The Hunger Games: A Parody of The Hunger Games
by labonath151
Summary: Come read the new (it's actually kind of old...) and exciting story of Katniss Everdeen! Reviewed by an amount of people I can count on two hands and one foot, the funny (you be the judge), tangent-full story of love, fake love, and a vat of ketchup. We've got creepy Cinna, Kanga Rue, a big, anti-climactic plot twist, even more anti-climax, and so much more! (PLEASE READ IT PLEASE)
1. Chapter 1: Raindrops Flutter By

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Okay so I started writing this a while ago and I am almost done now and I thought that I should write a new introduction for this so I did and here I am and wow is it hot in here oh whoops maybe I should put a period or something of the like in here otherwise this will be a run-on sentence oh haha it already is maybe I'll just stop.**

**In any case, you should read this because I put a lot of time and effort in it and I am thinking of rewriting some of it, so I want to see how people like it.**

**Read the reviews, people have liked it in the past so why shouldn't you?**

**By the way, I am Language-inclined and a fan of tropes et cetera so there will be a lot of things in it. Excuse the grammar. Yeah, a note on grammar, sometimes I misuse grammar and spell things wrong. That is on purpose. This is not a serious thing, I just have fun with language. Just stop reading this and read the story, I mean come on!**

* * *

><p>Chapter 1: Raindrops Flutter By<p>

My name is Katniss Everdeen. Why am I lying in my bed? I should not be lying in my bed. I should be up out hunting so that I can provide for my family.

This is my story!

...Sorry, that was a bit of an unnecessary interjection. But, following my narratives, I might seem a bit strange in my ways of writing, so forgive me. I have gone through trial after trial after trial, and I still have not found rest. Actually, maybe a bit of rest. But that's not important.

This story started with the creation of the world. Skip several years... and some of my ancestors are born. Skip even more years... and I am born! That has to be one of the single greatest events in the world, considering how awesome I am and how much I've done for everyone – because it's true. I am awesome, and without me, Panem would probably not even be in existence right now. Oh, I forgot to tell you about the setting of this narrative. My schoolteacher always told us to start with 5 w's and an h – although that never got me anywhere. Maybe it will now. Hmmm... considering the failure of my last epic novel, I might adapt this intriguing system here goes: WHO? That's easy, me. And a few other characters, but, for now, it's just me. WHAT: I don't know. WHEN: After the wars that destroyed the world, turning North America into a wasteland. Of forests. Sounds like a waste to not use them. WHERE: North America, now known as Panem. WHY: Because. HOW: You'll see.

(To the readers: Just to put these facts into perspective, here's the history of it. The world was in war, and North America got stuck in the middle – I suppose – so a bunch of dictators decided to form a government called the Capitol where everybody is well-fed and vain. This government rules over 12 districts, 1=rich 12=poor. Sadly, our main character lives in 12. Anyway, to impose their superiority, the Capitol puts on The Hunger Games every year, taking children from all the districts – 1 male 1 female – and they are put in an arena with a bunch of supplies and they have to kill each other to be that last one standing and live a life of painful memories and wealth.)

So, where was I? Right, I'm lying down in my bed. I see my little sister's cat (Buttercup, who is actually pretty ugly. Looks like a pug) standing on the windowsill. It's raining outside for a split-second and raindrops flutter by. Okay, that doesn't happen. I'm just kidding. But Buttercup hates me and loves Prim (my sister's nickname for all the dummies out there), and Prim has a goat. But I don't want to tell you that story. It will make me shed tears (and maybe skin if I'm lucky). My Mommy is a doctor/nurse type of person, and my Daddy died in a mining accident. You see, District 12 is the mining district. Yup, we suck. But it's better than the idiots in District 13 who were bombed.

So, I'm used to blood and gore and general disgustingness because Mommy brings home people who are sick practically every day. By the way, I'm 16 years old. So, let's see, I've introduced myself and Prim and Mom. Fair enough.

I wake up drenched from another bad dream. Oh, wait, that was a while ago. Clumsy me. I am now out in the woods going to the place where I hunt with Gale. He's a guy, but he's a friend. If he were a boy you could call him a boyfriend, but he's a man now. Is manfriend a word? Spellcheck says no, so let's just say he's a good friend of mine. We have a lot in common, like the fact that we are both outlaws, although the Peacekeepers in our area don't even turn on the electric fence that separates us from the forest. He's actually a pretty cool guy named Joe who does handy work sometimes. No, I'm just kidding. If it annoys you that I kid around so much, talk to my Dad. Heehee... Yeah, OK, not funny. So where was I? I seem to get off topic so much.

Gale and I meet in the forest at our usual place. He is a master of snares. Sometimes, when he makes funny faces (once in a blue moon) he looks Chinese. Do Chinese people even exist anymore? I don't know, since Panem is only set in ancient North America. So slap me. We meet, and it seems that he has caught a few squirrels and some other animals. He smiles. "I caught squirrels Catnip! I'm going to trade it illegally at the Hob" (our local black market for food) "and get some money, even though I know it's illegal." Sometimes he gets excited like that, so I tell him to calm down.

"Calm down."

"Thank you, sometimes I don't know what I would do without you! But seriously, that hair? You should do something to it once in a while. It looks like a bird made a nest in there." I put a hand up to my head, where I feel a peck. Suddenly it feels like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. So I decide that horror is out of the question, and I take the nest out and throw it in the pond.

I spend the rest of the day hunting, and then I go to the Hob where I have a bowl of soup. Some drunk guy tries to feed me saying "Yummy yummy yummy!" so I slap his face and leave. Gale walks me home and then I go to sleep. Or at least I try to. I'm lying in my bed, thinking about the next day. Tomorrow is the day of the Reaping. And I'm crying. Because it's Friday.

* * *

><p><strong>Did you like this? I hope you did. The story is going to continue with the reaping. I hope this wasn't boring, but I had to set up the story to begin with. Insanity will ensue in the next chapter, so come back later to read my story. Favorite it! And may the odds be ever in my favor!<strong>

**2013 Update: The odds of you continuing this are good I hope. It's a fast read, only about ½ of the length of the book The Hunger Games. In any case, I hope this brings a smile to your face**


	2. Chapter 2: REAP!

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**It's actually too bad that these events didn't transpire in the book, because if they did, I would be so happy. I hope you enjoy this chapter, because I had so much fun imagining it. I think it's pretty good because of a few of the events that happen. I'm not trying to be conceited. I hope I don't sound it...  
><strong>

**Chapter 2: Reaping**

I wake up in my bed and suddenly realize it's the day of the reaping. I pick up my bow and arrows (did I tell you that I'm awesome with a bow?) and I go to hunt. Forget the reaping; the chances of me getting picked are rather large. Wait a minute; I just made a contradictory statement. AHHHHHHH! I hate it when I contradict myself because it proves that I _can _be wrong. I hate being wrong.

So after a bit of hunting (I MISS YOU GALE!) I go back to the main square. I haven't read the book in a while, so I forget what it's called. Anyway, there's that idiot woman named Effie Trinket (what, did her parents name her for her trinkets?) who has pink hair and a terrible squeaky voice (was that in the book? Honestly, I need to read that) and she is wearing a spring green dress (hunger games Wikipedia rules). Honestly, sometimes I wonder if she is wearing a wig. But, with the Capitol and their idiotic beauty thing, you never know. Or maybe you do.

"Welcome to the 74th Hunger Games Reaping Ceremonies!" she says with a genuine grin. What, does she _like_ sending people (children!) to their death? Wow, psychopath warning! Anyway, after a long speech that is entirely boring, it's time for the drawing. "Ladies first!" she says in her maniacal (OK, a bit over exaggerated) voice. She sticks her hand into the large glass jar, picks a name – and her hand gets stuck. She grunts and growls and wheezes trying to get it off, but nothing is working. The crowd is silent. Effie laughs. Nobody else joins in, so her squeaky voice squeaks really high, almost shattering my eardrums. Finally, two Peacekeepers help her get it off. She smiles.

"All in a day's work!" She stumbles, her wig falling off. She squeals again, and this time the crowd does too, as we all see her bare head. Not one single hair is growing on it. She picks up her wig, readjusts it, and continues. "My my, this is quite exciting!" The whole crowd is stone-faced. She adjusts her wig again and inhales. "The first tribute to be going in the games is..." We all realize that she is going to pull the sneezing trick where she pretends to try and cover up the name by fake sneezing. I groan and turn my head. Why does every televised thing have to be entertainment for the Capitol and the idiots that reside there?

"AAAHHHHHHHH-PRIMROSEEVERDEEN-CHOOOOOOOOOOO!" I have my ears covered and just barely hear her say my sister's name. I see her near the front of the crowd, a lonely 14-year old in games for adults. From the speakers, the song 'Everybody Dance Now' starts playing, and Effie starts grooving to the music. Nobody – not even a mouse – grooves or dances with her. Prim looks like she's on the verge of tears. Sucker! HA! Good, I'm not going to the Hunger Games! NANANANABOOBOO! Oh, true, wait a moment... Primrose Everdeen is my dear little sister with a cat and a goat and a little poor life! I can't just let her go! Oh, I guess it's my time to go to the games. OK, I'll volunteer. I let out a blood-curdling scream (everyone's blood is curled, we all die, the end! (I wish...)), and everyone looks at me. I sigh.

"I will volunteer for Prim." Effie Trinket starts sobbing.

"OH! This is too much like that new drama show on CPTLTV! You see, a lonely girl is sentenced to death by gunshot for stealing this woman's bananas, and then this weird, stupid, ugly girl steps up and says 'no, I'll do it since I'm younger than you and I still have a life to live – BOOHOO!'" I give Effie a strange look, but she is still sniffing silently and holding her hand to her heart. Suddenly, I hear a whoosh, and Effie has disappeared. All that is left is her wig. Everyone starts cheering and applauding at this most happy event. The Peacekeepers try to keep everyone quiet, but to no avail. But Prim is still up there, now crying. Where is Effie?

Suddenly, we see what happened to Effie and we all start crying, because she is still alive. We realize that Haymitch Abernathy, District 12's only living victor of the arena, has slammed into her in a drunken rage. Effie repositions her wig, and gets back on the makeshift stage. Haymitch grins like an infant. Effie pulls out a wand and yells "Avada Kedavra!" Nothing happens. Haymitch tisks.

"TSK! You should not read junk fiction (it actually isn't, remember he's sort of drunk) like Harry Potter or the evil Boogey Monster will eat your cookies!" Effie rolls her eyes, but by that time, Prim and I have switched. She turns to me.

"Prim – oh, my! It seems that the two of you have been conspiring behind my back! Naughty little children! I have magical wand that can–"

"Shut up." That's all I say. Then, "SHUT UP! YOU COME IN HERE WITH A STUPID PURPLE WIG AND THEN YOU PULL LITTLE SLIPS OF PAPER OUT OF A HUGE JAR AND YOU THINK YOU'RE THE BOSS OF ME! YOU AREN'T! YOU NEVER WILL BE! I AM GIVING UP MY LIFE FOR THAT OF MY SISTER, AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE STUPID JOKES!" I stop.

She smiles, jaw wide. "You talk really fast!" I am going to punch her, but she continues talking, blah blah BLAH! "Alright, I don't want to meddle in business, TAKE the girl's spot. Now for the boy..." Thankfully, she doesn't get her hand stuck in this jar. She picks a name and reads the name. I am glad that she doesn't sneeze. Because it she did, she could spread a disease, because I'm pretty sure that she's full of sickness.

She coughs.

"AHEM! Peeta Mellark AHEM!" My jaws go wide, my eyes roll into the back of my head. Just kidding. You see, I'm using sarcasm as a literary technique to enhance the storyline. Alright, I have to admit, it didn't work. So slap me and call me a human. But I recognize that name. Some sort of personal narrative...

**Do you want to hear the story of the bread? I know I don't. So that's why next chapter is not going to be called Peeta's Bread, or Katniss Eats Again, or Bread? YUM! It will have a bit more class in it. Not saying that I didn't enjoy the story, it was good, but I don't have time. Submit another review for fun! Please...?**


	3. Chapter 3: Gale and the Wolf

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**This chapter is dedicated to myself. It tells the stories that Katniss holds dear to her heart. Plus, it addresses her issue with verb tenses. Sorry about the mixed sort of indents, I had a few small issues with that. Enjoy!  
><strong>

**Chapter 3: Gale and the Wolf**

Yeah, I'm not going to tell you the story about how Peeta gave me bread and how I now owe him a gigantic debt. That just wouldn't be cool. So, I'll tell you another story about Gale, because I'm not in love with Peeta yet, whatever the author says.

So, anyway, I'm awesome because when I was a kid, I was out in the woods running around. Yeah, I almost forgot to tell you that I have a few mental disorders, and this was one of those times that they were acting up. A LOT! So, anyway, I was running around in the meadow when I saw one of those weird Capitol hovercrafts. That was when I noticed that they had taken up this redhead person who was living in the forest (well, I got that boring story out of the way). Yeah, so I took off my clothes and swam around in the pond. And that's when Gale came.

He was whistling the theme to Peeta and the Wolf (see how I made up a funny title thing? I'm amazed at how awesome I am!), and then he saw me swimming sans clothes. So, he just stopped whistling, stared for about two seconds, and walked away.

No, I'm just kidding, that's a terrible story. We've actually been good friends for ages (not Middle-Earth ages, the metaphorical type of ages) and we've hunted for slightly less time than ages – if that exists, that is. So, one day we were hunting, and I caught a squirrel, and we high-fived, and we ate it, and we laughed, and we went to the Hob, and I slept, and I'm breaking a major role of grammar by writing a run-on sentence. Sorry to anybody trying to read this all in one breath, 'cause I'm an impossible person.

Yeah, so we're good friends. Did I tell you about the wolf? No that's just a boring story about a cute wolf that attacked Gale, and then we ate it and… I guess something happened in Gale's digestive system, so he was treated by Mother. Oh, that is not a cute story, it was udderly gross! Heehee… sorry, sometimes I feel it necessary to laugh at my own jokes. You know, comic relief in an otherwise brutal and hungry world. Word.

So, after the reaping, I go home where Haymitch is lying in a provocative pose on my bed.

Just kidding. Did I mention that I kid a lot? I didn't think you would have guessed by now. But, I got home and Prim was sitting on my bed normally (thank heavens), so we had a good cry together. Because cries are good, since they flush out our system, so to speak. So we got rid of chemicals in our bodies and we visited Mom. She let loose a pool of chemicals, and we all cried together. Except for Prim's cat, who was being a noob.

So, I am terrible at writing this memoir happening in the present because I keep switching tense. Is that bothering you? Whoops, another interjection – pardon me.

So, we had to go to the train, but before, we said goodbye. Gale said: "Blah blah blah." He sometimes sounds a bit like Kesha, although he's never told me that he feels like P Diddy (whoever _that_ is). This idiot girl who is the mayor's daughter came in, so I pretended to be nice to her. You know, brownie points if I make it back. She gave me a gold pin with a mockingjay on it (beat that spell check!), which I would rather sell for a few cents than wear. It looks like the bird has been hit in the talon with an arrow, and the gold is slightly faded. Though, the movie poster shows it flaming. But what the heck, these visits were all boring.

I entered the train. I waved goodbye to everybody. They were all stone-faced. I cried. I could see Prim and Mom crying. I couldn't see the goat (I promise I won't tell the story until I must, as painful as it is...) and Buttercup, but I bet they would never imagine shedding a single tear for me (excuse my poor use of tenses, I'll try to remain present. Gale always warns me about this). So, Peeta's there, and he's baked me a cake. He starts singing a song.

"I-I-I wanna ba-a-ake you a ca-a-ake to eat in the Hunger Games!"

I suddenly realize that he's singing the parody version of this narrative, so I laugh. Because I can. WHAAT! No, really, he actually started singing! But not the parody, a song about fat women eating cake. Ridiculous, I'll bet. Next to enter the train is Haymitch Abernathy, who doesn't sing a song. I could never ever ever in my long-legged life imagine Haymitch singing a song. But he throws up on my shoes. My gag reflex kicks in, and I start choking. Haymitch tries to rush in and rescue – AGHAGHAKKK! Oh, good, Peeta just performed the Heimlich on me, and that stupid piece of almond is out of my system. We get in our bunks and go to sleep. But before I go to sleep, I think about Peeta and his strong arms, performing the Heimlich on me. He is a strong, handsome boy, really! But what about – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

**My, it seems that Katniss has fallen asleep. But what is happening? Is the storyline advancing too rapidly? Will the Capitol be overtaken right before Rue is k-ll-d? (spoiler hidden! Phew.) No, that would never happen. But, Peeta might get on Katniss's nerves with strange nicknames. And the Capitol food might not be what Collins makes it out to be... you'll just have to wait and see! Remember, read much, review often!**


	4. Chapter 4: Capitol Crunch

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Nothing too too monumental in this chapter, just a bit of random. Oh, yes, we learn that Katniss hates character development. i think it might be a bit because she's a bit out of there sometimes, wishy-washy-like. So enjoy, because I enjoy writing this. Read this and tell your friends, because friends are good, possibly one of my core values. Because.  
><strong>

**Chapter 4: Capitol Crunchies**

"Wake up! It's going to be a big big day!" I hear Effie Trinket yelling in my ear. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" she screams again, this time her voice squeaking. I jump out of my bed, inadvertently kicking Effie in the face. She giggles and jumps back. "It's time to get up and get ready! Today we have a full, _full_ schedule! You see, we're going to be on the train all day, and we have several icebreaker games for you and Peeta to play!"

I grimace. "Peeta and I are going to be playing _games? ALL DAY?_"

Effie smiles. "What, did you put on too much makeup this morning?" I make no signal at all. She sits down on my bed and pats my head. "There, there, I know it is a challenging to be pulled out of your little safe world and thrust into the ultra-cool and intensely awesome Capitol, but hey – at least we've got food!" I smile, refreshed at the prospects of food. Effie smiles and stays on my bed. I feel a bit creeped out.

"Um... Effie?" I say.

"Hello, I'm Effie, and I want to be your friend!"

"Yeah, good for you. Get out of my room."

She leaves, and I start to dress myself. I decide to wear clothes. What a surprise! Sorry, that's unnecessary. I just wear plain clothes, nothing special, because I don't know what the weather is... did you get that joke? NO! Well, maybe I'll explain. You see, I was capitalizing on the literary technique of irony because, really, why would I have to worry about the weather on a train? Oh, I am so humorous sometimes!

Effie and Peeta are waiting for me in the eating train, where a table of 'succulent' dishes have been laid out. But the one problem is this: do you call dark coal covered in chocolate and sprinkles scrumptious? I don't know what district you're from, but in District 12, we mine coal; don't eat it. Anyone who eats coal is sent immediately to a doctor (my MOM!) and they are considered stupid. Aren't we all? You know, the fragile grips of sanity are rather difficult to grasp in a world torn in 14 (did I tell you about District 13? HAHAHA!). Sometimes I – Oh, sorry, I mustn't ramble or my story is going to be long. I don't even know what my story is yet, since I haven't entered the arena yet. And I'm still wondering how I'm going to be able to sneak this parchment into the Games. But I'm awesome. I'll just write on my hair in invisible ink – BECAUSE I CAN'T!

Other delicacies are: stewed cockroach, cat's tail (Prim would not like that), coloured bombs, and badly burnt toast. Effie Trinket digs in, while Peeta, who hates burnt toast (whoa, how do I know that?) walks away and comes back in two minutes with ten loaves of freshly-baked bread. Effie takes a bite and spits it out. "AAAHHHH!" she yells, the wig bobbing on her head. Instead of shouting "Hot, hot, HOT!" she yells "Fresh, fresh, FRESH!"

I grimace. "Effie, how stale is this food?"

She grins. "It's been here since my first Hunger Games, considering that no one ever wants it. Strange. It's SOOOOOOOOOO delicious!" She digs in greedily, attacking the food like she has never eaten before in her life. After chewing (CRUNCH CRUNCH!) and swallowing a chunk of coal, a large chunk appears in Effie's stomach. She grins and gives me thumbs up. I look and feel sick. Peeta smiles at me, saying:

"What's the problem Catnip? Feeling sick, Katy?" He grins like a little child and starts bobbing up and down, laughing. I slap him. He stops, getting the message. Should I tell you the story about the bread? No, not now. It's not the time, but maybe later. Instead, I dig into Peeta's bread. Effie laughs.

"YOU FOOLS! You actually thought this was real breakfast? Wow, you are probably some of the most gullible tributes I have ever seen!" She guffaws, spitting out a chunk of coal. I wish she would choke and die. Oh, yeah, I suppose that's a bit morbid. But, it's true. She comes and gives her speech every year, and sends two poor children to their death. She has only seen one District 12 tribute come back alive – and we know what has happened with him up to this point (DRUNK!). So, she obviously doesn't have happiness in her. Wait – my brain is sort of disjointed. I don't think I finished my previous thought... did I? Whatever, it doesn't matter because FOOD'S HERE! And suddenly I realize that this food is probably going to be delicious. Because there is an M logo. And I smell real food.

It's a strange thing called 'hamburger', something from the distant past when there was a fast food (what in a goat's name is THAT?) restaurant called MacDonald's. They had plastic tubes that children slid down and meals that included little doll-type plastic statues. What was wrong with those idiotic inhabitants of Earth? Bread and water is good! That is, until I bite into my hamburger – and I realize that hamburgers are probably the tastiest types of food in the whole of Panem (save ice cream. I've had it once, and boy, that's good). So I say thank you to Effie and run back into my room. I suddenly realize that character development is lacking in my pitiful narrative, so I decide to go talk to Peeta. He has black hair and glasses.

"Peeta Chow here!" he says in a Chinese accent and laughs. He must be doing one of his weird imitations, and I'm lost for words. So I tell him: "Peeta, calm down, I need to work on character development." So, he asks what I want to know about. We talk for a while. I can;t continue the character development, it's just too difficult. I want to cry, WAAAHHHH!

OK, that was a ridiculous thing to say. I'm sorry.

Haymitch talks with Peeta, and then with me. But I don't want to talk about that, since I don't want to develop Haymitch. Oh, that's hilarious. I'd better get ready, because I'm going to meet the other tributes tomorrow. Plus I'll meet stylists, apparently. I really want my stylist to be a guy called Joe, because that's so chill. Effie says she has a dog called Joe, but there are no stylists. Rats. Maybe I'll get one named Cinna...

**Wow, Katniss is quite a mentally awesome person! She already knows she's going to get a stylist named Cinna? No, she doesn't. She might have written that in after to make her look smart. But the next few chapters are going to be good, as Katniss is going to do something dangerous with Caesar Flickerman and gasoline is in the building! The girl on fire is going to blazes as you continue to read - remember: read much, review often!**


	5. Chapter 5: Annoying SubPlots

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**This chapter deals with something we all hate: annoying sub-plots. Like when a girl is stranded on a desert island and then (SUB-PLOT!) she realizes her father is dead too. Don't worry, this isn't about Katniss's father doesn't die in this chapter; that was, like, chapter 1, I forget, that was like a sub-sub-sub-sub-plot. And sorry it's been so long, I've been busy for about 2 months.**

**Chapter 5: Annoying Sub-Plots**

We arrive at the Capitol, the train screeching to a grinding halt. The train lurches forward, sending me flying across my room. My kettle with boiling water splashes on the floor, and I scream, but nothing happens. It seems that the water has turned into vapour. I suddenly realize that it is chilly. We haven't stopped at the Capitol. We've stopped at the Arctic!

We continue on and finally make it to the Capitol. I think that I might have just dreamed that last part. I'm having a lot of strange dreams, like the one in which I'm a flying pig. But that is irrelevant as Effie Trinket knocks on my door. "Wake up; it's going to be a big, big day!"

"Effie," I grumbled, "It's four in the afternoon. I'm not asleep. Anybody who is asleep is a loser." I hear Effie try and suppress a yawn. LOSER! But I forgive her immediately for that shortcoming and all the others that will (certainly) pop up. How would she know what it's like being anything _but_ a loser, coming from the Capitol? It's absolutely positively MIND BLOWING! ... Wow, that was weird!

We all get off the train, and I can sense that Haymitch has been drinking. Not that his breath smells like alcohol, and not that he's stumbling around and mumbling "Mehtrecky, goolafootyra!" It's something more like – OK, the both of those are what cause me to think he's drunk. But, then again, he is always drunk. We enter into a building where there are many fascinating things, and – honestly? I'm super tired of this whole thing. I feel like screaming out to the night (even though it's morning) and I yawn.

Do you know what I find sort of strange? That the Capitol is called the Capitol.

So, we all head to our rooms to get a good night's sleep. I wish. But, there is still more for us to do here. And the itinerary (which I not-so-cleverly stole from Effie) sounds really boring. So for the next bit I won't expand.

We do a bunch of things, meet some other tributes, talk to President Snow (who has a terrible cologne – is it called dead flower?), blah blah blah, I go to sleep. Oh, and there was something about Peeta and Haymitch having a chugging competition, but that makes no difference to me, because I am going to soon be in the Hunger Games. And I do not want to be in the Hunger Games, because, you know, they're the HUNGER GAMES! I have felt hunger before, but the hunger you feel there is… so much more hungry. It is weird how they can twist your bodies in such a strange fashion as to block your digestive system from letting any food through, and the nutrients build up and…

Am I talking about the Hunger Games or the first grade? I can honestly not find any difference between the two, that's how terrible it was. And one more thing. Before I went to sleep, Peeta and I went up on a roof. Not that I know which roof, considering that every building has a roof, and there are several roofs all over the Capitol. But it was a pretty tall roof; I could tell because we could see other roofs. Wow, all this talk about roofs has suddenly got me hungry for some crème brulée!

But back to the roof: Peeta and I went on the roof. Then he showed me his favourite novel he has been reading for the past six years. I know, he's an incredibly slow reader. And then he said something that really got my attention.

"I don't want to be a pawn for them, in their games. It's ridiculous that they can do this to me and not get away with it. WHERE'S THE POLICE!"

"Peeta," I say, "they ARE the police…"

He gives me an incredibly blank look (another reason why the book he's been reading is 'Johnny Goes to School'), and then says, "Oh, I never thought of that."

I sigh. "Really Peeta, are you trying to bring in another annoying sub-plot? Because that won't work."

He looks at me. "What I meant about being a pawn… I meant that."

I laugh. "Sure. You're just a baker, nobody likes you!"

"I'M JUST A BAKER NOBODY LIKES ME!" he shouts, and then we look at each other. Subconsciously, we had begun to break into song, specifically 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. It's strange, because we've never heard that song before. It must be that darn narrator again, making us say things we don't want to. We both start humming Beethoven's 9th Symphony Movement 2, because the narrator makes us. Wait – I'm the narrator, so this is really confusing… wow, I just created a paradox! NICE!

So, we both agree to never speak of this again, and I go to bed. Like a boss.

The next morning, I wake up. Because this is the first day of the rest of my life. Directly after thinking that, I go into internal conflict and philosophical debate, because I realize that statement is extremely confusing. Isn't everyday technically the first day of the rest of your life? And then I realize that this is useless internal debate, because I'm going to go into the training area today. And I'm PUMPED, word! Wait a minute – what does that term 'word' mean?

"SHUT UP!" I yell at myself, just as Haymitch walks out of his room. Flashing me a dusty dirty look, he whips out his knife and does a few karate moves, ultimately tripping over his hand and falling on the floor. I shrug and continue walking, rolling my eyes. And then I wonder what the heck– Forget it. SO I walk to the training area where a person is waiting for me. Apparently, I'm the first person there, so I do a backflip. Well, not really. More like a 'flop backwards on the ground like a dead seal' flip. Yeah, I'm cool like that.

"Excuse me Miss… Katnip?" says a man who could just be Santa Clause! Actually… no, he's far too fat. I think that his earlobes are even bulging too. EW! I'm so glad that I'm not his wife. Or kid. Or Mom. Or kid. Or… let's just say I'd hate to have him at Christmas dinner celebration. I automatically nickname him Mr. Pig, although I know his real name is Bob (he has a nametag that says 'Hi, I'm Bob')

"Excuse me Mr. Pig, my name is not Katnip, you double-stomached fat-faced frooping-ear lobed Santa of a man. It is rude and disrespectful of you to be so ignorant and stupid, to think my name is Katnip."

Mr. Pig slowly chews on something in his mouth, possibly a little child or a live lamb.

"Oh, true, that's your evil alter-ego in another alternate dimension." He grins. I frown. "You're Katniss Everdeen, the protagonist of this novel, also recognized as 'hero' and 'main character'. Yeah, that's right, like a–"

"FATTY!" I scream in his face cutting him off. The man's associate (apparently also called Bob), a tall and skinny man whom I call Mr. Tree Trunk, grins and says:

"You fool, you're supposed to be here at 5:00 in the afternoon, not the morning! Wow, you are truly a stupid and foolish idiot! I think I should slap you silly!" With that I slap him. Composing himself, he says: "Go away you little girl, Katnip. You have to be ready for the Capitol Tour at 8:00 in the MORNING YOU FOOLISH GIRL."

Well, so much for that sub-plot. The training sub-plot will have to wait for another several hours. Oh well, it's a pretty boring one. OH! I HAVE AN IDEA! I'll use the literary technique of foreshadowing, used to tell the reader about an event that will happen in the future of the narrative, allowing an air of suspense and drama. In other words, the narrator tells the reader something, like he's telling a secret. It's really unfair to the protagonist, but I'm the protagonist AND narrator, so I can do whatever I so wish! YES! So; foreshadowing: kanga is my friend.

WOAH! Didn't see that one coming! If you figured that one out, slap yourself on the back and call yourself a genius!

* * *

><p><strong>I know, the events on the roof aren't exactly as they actually happened. And they don't actually go on a tour in the book, but hey - I'll take about two paragraphs on that. Next paragraph will deal with Rue and training, and creeps. Yes, creeps. Plus, sometime in the future we'll have more on foreshadowing and a chapter dedicated to plot twists - oh, I can hardly wait!<strong>


	6. Chapter 6: Training Tangents

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Well, here we are, finally the training arena. but, Katniss is just so out of at the time I think, so she keeps going off on tangents. Yes, this may seem like a really weird chapter, but it's OK to have on of those once in a while. Or for me, most of the time... Anyway, enjoy.**

**Chapter 6: Training Tangents**

Wow, this is so boring. Right now I'm on a tour of the Capitol. There are a bunch of animals – oh, wait, now I see. They are creepy human beings wearing colourful wigs etc. That's right, I just used the term et cetera after listing only one item. I AM SO AWESOME AND PROBABLY THE AWESOMEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD BECAUSE I AM KATNISS EVERDEEN THE PROTAGONIST OF THE HUNGER GAMES SERIES WOW WHAT DID I HAVE FOR BREAKFAST FRUIT LOOPS THIS IS A RIDICULOUS RUN ON SENTENCE IN CAPITALS! Sorry, I forgot to turn off the caps lock. Wait – am I writing this down, or typing it? Because that is technically impossible, since I am Katniss Everdeen!

Forgetting that loose plot thread (along with a few dozen others...) I somehow am transported to the training arena. Of course, I'm the first one there. Fortunately, Bob and Bob – or whatever their names were – are up in the loft, fighting over some roast beef and mashed potatoes. It's actually pretty epic, Mr. Pig pulling some epic karate moves. Jackie Chan, you might say. OH! I thought of something genius! Well, that's because I'm genius. EPIC MEAL TIME! That's what is happening up there! YEAH!

I don't know precisely what happened earlier in this chapter, I was sort of in a semi-dormant state. I must have been in a drug-induced stupor! Wow, those idiots, Plutarch I-don't-care-something-about-a-bee and those other creeps (Bob and Bob) plus anybody else even living in a place relatively close to the Capitol is to blame! ... Oh, true, that includes me and my mom and Prim and all the other habitants of Panem. And suddenly I'm thinking again. Because Panem is only the remains of North America, so... what happened to the rest of the world? I bet the Chinese are living in a world of utopia. The Russians, probably still communism. And us? We live in a desolate, crappy world controlled by people who probably _used_ to be Russian. President Snow *COUGH COUGH!* Yeah, that's right, I just said 'And us? We live in a desolate, crappy world controlled by people who probably _used_ to be Russian. President Snow *COUGH COUGH!*' And do you know how I began this whole story? That's right you FORGAT because you're a noob! PWNED, fool!

Well, I would certainly be excellent as a – wow, I just lost my entire train of thought. That's me, Katniss Everdeen, the dumb blonde. OH SORRY, that's not politically correct, I forgot, it's rude to say that. Dumb me, dumb me, why am I going off in stupid tangents! OK, I need to focus on the narrative, the main idea, the essential! Ok, the main idea: SNAPE KILLED– oh, that was a close one. I almost revealed one of the greatest Harry Potter secrets, other than the fact that Harry is a horcrux! Whoops, I hope the editors take that one out... didn't mean to say that. I may as well say – no, back to the training arena. With this amount of filler, either people are going to get bored, I'm going to forget my name, the publisher will cancel the novel altogether, or I'm going to run out of ink and paper. _That is_ if I am actually using ink and paper, but not going back to that argument.

So, we are in the gym training, and there are a bunch of different stations, like lawn bowling and table tennis. I meet this chunky creep called Cato who is like ten times my size. No, literally, he's like 60 feet tall! I'm actually joking, using sarcasm as a literary technique. Why am I always talking about literary techniques? And how come my writing and grammar is perfect. I mean, I haven't grown up in school, and I haven't received any education at all. HELLO? Can you spell FAKE? NO! Because I haven't gone to school and I'm not educated! Even Prim, who is younger than me has better grammar than Haymitch, who is more likely to have had an education than me. Beat that omniscient person up there *COUGH SUZANNE COLLINS COUGH* Wow, I just said, 'Beat that omniscient person up there *COUGH SUZANNE COLLINS COUGH*' I feel like a nerd!

Well, I have only said, like two sentences about the training so I'll get on with the narrative, opposed to the exposition, an entirely different form of writing. Wow, how the heck do I know this? Anyway. So, we're all playing ping pong and bowling and then this other creep called Cato asks me where ping pong originated. I take out my iPod and quickly look it up on Wikipedia. I wish. But no, we don't have iPods, we have nothing. I feel even poorer than those kids in Africa for a while. I meet some of the other tributes – OH! Just imagine this: TRIBUTE COMMUNITIES :D Yeah, I'm that cool, I put an emoticon in my narrative. Yeah! So, back into the circle or line, or whatever from my... lost train of thought! I go and I train more, and I am not excited because later I am going to meet my stylist, and I have issues with body image. Once I wrote a story about a blue banana who has body image issues, and he meets this guy called Ezylryb who is a philosopher, and then they talk about the omniscient narrator and... wow, this is boring. How about I list only the important characters, using a bit of foreshadowing!

Marvel and Glimmer (district 1), Cato and Clove (district 2), a creep whom I call Foxface, even though it's a girl (district 5), Thresh and Rue (district 11), and me and Peeta (district 12, dummy). I sort of take notice of Rue, most likely because she is so miniscule I could lose her in a lunch bag! Yeah, she's actually so small she fits right into a bunch of miniature places. So, I think we sort of clique, because one minute we're trying to murder each other and the next we're gossiping. No, just kidding. Hahaha, I am so hilarious. Wow, I am an insane person. I just wrote a whole chapter in, like, an hour. That's right, I may be Katniss, but I'm not actually writing this in the present – OR AM I? Oh wow, just kidding. This is so much fun to confuse the readers, I love doing this. Well, I need to go visit a guy – a stylist – because the opening ceremonies are approaching... I know, it sounds like the Olympics, and it pretty much is, minus the cute mascots and sugar pies. WHAT?

**Oh wow, finally done that chapter, it was tough. but next chapter will have some dialogue, I PROMISE! We will meet Cinna - who isn't quite how Katniss imagined him. Plus, I am so excited for the two chapters after that. They will be the opening ceremonies and the interviews with Flickerman. Wow, who has ever wanted katniss to light on fire, or for her to fall off the stage? ME! Yes, finally. Anyway, I'm tired, it's 10:25 =P I need to sleep... sleep**


	7. Chapter 7: Blame Gasoline

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Well, here we are, the opening ceremonies. It has honestly been so long since I have read the book, I forget what happens =P So, I just made something up. THis is more interesting, and I think Cinna as a creep is an interesting development. And i know, I never put the words Blame Gasoline in the chapter, but it makes sense once you read the chapter. So enjoy, and I don't mean any disrespect to those who lost loved ones in 9/11 or anything related to that.**

**Chapter 7: Blame Gasoline**

OK, so I am really creeped out, because my stylist looks surprisingly like Lenny Kravitz – YIKES! I mean, I just didn't expect someone like him to be Cinna! (Wow, not like anybody feels this in real life ;D) And he has three other little stylist friends with him (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Funny story, I didn't realize they were guys until Mockingjay, so I'm a loser...), who appear to be wearing tattoos and other strange trinkets, etc. I feel like throwing up.

"Hello Katniss," says Cinna, and I know immediately that he's one of those guys who would look inside a girl's window while she's changing.

"Hi," I say, not too sure how to respond to his slightly gravelly voice. I feel like dying, it's so ridiculous. I should not be here. Why am I not dead? I sooo wish I was dead!

"Sup," says Cinna, changing his attitude to that of a gangsta – WORD! (Once again, that horrid word!) "Well, we need to get you to ground zero before we can touch you up." WOAH! Suddenly, I am wondering if this man who calls himself 'Cinna' is a terrorist. Because, even though Ground Zero is no more, it is still remembered in our history books. Not that we have books. Um… Oh dear, I just created a plot hole, or loose thread. Well, we'll just have to leave that one hanging!

"What precisely is ground zero?" I ask, putting on an obviously fake British accent, like I'm a narrator. David Attenoborough? He ain't got SWAG!

"Well, you are such an idiotic ignoramus. You don't even know what ground zero is? Well, I'll explain. It's a commemorative site for the event of the crashing into of the Twin Towers. Stylists? Hats off."

The stylists take their hats off and observed two minutes of silence for those killed in the crashing into of the Twin Towers, all the while I try to find a method of escape. Sadly, none. Cinna smiles with a cheeky grin, like a monkey who has eaten a particularly delicious banana. That's right, I did just say that.

"OK, well, the ground zero we are discussing is the base beauty, nothing more, nothing less. Sort of like when you go to get a cake, instead of it being overdressed or crumbly, it's just a delicious circle of vanilla goodness, with vanilla icing on top. Sure, it might be a carrot cake, but that's OK, because some people actually like carrot cake. Surprise, surprise."

I raise my eyebrows. "WOAH! Didn't see that one coming! So… what now?"

Cinna whistles mockingly. "It's time to get funky! No, I'm just kidding. Not really. You just have to take all your clothes off and expect me to not sexually harass you. Yeah, I know, the author of this story is an idiot." Really Cinna? Are you calling me an idiot? Well, I don't have much of a choice… so I proceed to take off my clothes. You know what, I don't really feel like narrating the next few events… So… Yeah. Well, I know, this is apparently a huge scene where I learn a lot of things and I grow a relationship with Cinna, but really, who wants to read a whole chapter while I'm tout nu? Maybe some perverts, but no. So let's flash forward (that's right, I did parodize Lost!) to the time when we are about to enter for the Opening Ceremonies…

"Katniss! Got any beer?" says Haymitch, pretty drunk. At least he isn't carrying a knife or other firearm, as that would be quite dangerous. But then the head game maker, Plutarch Heavensbee walks up to me and slaps me in the face. And then he walks away. OK, not really, I just wanted to create another loose plot thread. Oh really Peeta? That's rude. Peeta just said–

"I think there're a few loose threads up there…"

Wow, thanks for saying that out loud Peeta. I officially hate you, although I don't know if I do. FORESHADOWING! Oh my goodness, Cinna suddenly walks up to me with a gas can and what looks like heavy machinery.

"Katniss, we want you to make a smashing entrance. Originally, we thought of putting an animatronics hammer on your head smashing that of Peeta, but then we remembered that we don't want him to die – DUH!"

"What the heck are you talking about?" I say, slightly miffed.

Cinna smiles. "We decided to do something even better: create the illusion that you are on fire so that people will remember you as the girl on fire. Not that they'll remember Peeta; you see, he's a noob. So, I just need to sprinkle this cool stuff I found in my closet onto your entire body, so don't worry, not like it's flammable or anything. Don't worry about Peeta, he's going to have these artificial flame-like paper mache flame things, not a chemical. So yeah."

Peeta is over there looking smug, while Cinna drenches me in this liquid fluid thing that smells strangely like gasoline. Now I am really freaked out. Plutarch comes up and says: "District twelvity twelve twelve twelvity twelve twelve over the hills we go!"

Really, he just made a Frosty the Snowman reference. That is not cool. I'm afraid my publisher is going to cancel the novel if nothing of great interest happens. So I tell Cinna to just get on with it and get us in the parade. And suddenly I am fearing for my life. I know, I am not even in the Games yet, but Cinna has taken out a flame thrower, and I am now on fire. We are pushed out of the little room on our carriage into the arena where the spectators suddenly cheer. What, it's not that special, we're just on fire. Well, only me, not Peeta, he's got those awesome fluorescent flame things that are pretty holographic. But I am screaming because I am on fire. And so I start running, but I don't realize that my arm is attached to that of Peeta, so we stumble out of the carriage and tumble on the road – which happens to be a busy intersection in the middle of rush hour.

Just kidding, hahaha, wow, I fooled you pretty bad there. You have to admit, you were fooled by that demonstration of wit. We just fall out, and I jump up and run forward as fast as I can, trying to get to some water. Peeta is following me. No, I am dragging him, more so. Because we are attached, albeit by a little bit of Velcro. I guess I underestimated Velcro a lot, so I won't do that anymore. I will declare it before everyone: VELCRO IS BETTER THAN DUCT TAPE!

…

I shouldn't have said that, all the fans in the arena are now looking at me with a generally disinterested look on their faces. Well, at least I am in some water now, so I'm not on fire. That's good. I am now getting out of the water and – oh my. This is a rather surprising plot twist. It seems that Cinna has fashioned a Mockingjay costume under this so that my clothes would burn off, leaving this. Maybe he isn't such a creep…

No, this outfit is starting to burn off, he probably wanted to see my body again. Oh well, I have to get out of here. Plutarch Heavensbee is buzzing at me to get out, although the crowd loves me. Sweet stuff! Well, I suppose I'll conclude this chapter now. And yes, this is organized into chapters – I KNOW THIS! How? O_o

**Well, another chapter come to an end. Next chapter will be the opening ceremonies, which will be sooo much fun! I will give you a hint: the title to the next chapter is: Chapter 8: Twirl Tumble** It is going to be making fun of the Katniss twirl signature move, which will be so much fun =D I hope I'll have it up Tuesday or so, depending on how it goes. I am also working on a Harry Potter fan fic parody... so if you like HP, check out soon Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Attempt at making an Interesting Novel. TOODLE-OO!


	8. Chapter 8: Twirl Tumble and OoC

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

******Another chapter, this time dealing with the events of the creep, Cinna, the twirl on the stage during the interviews with Caesar Flickerman, and characters who aren't acting like themselves. If you really like this, share it! This chapter was done pretty quickly, and I made a few references... I think. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 8: Twirl Tumble and OoC**

Well, I am glad that's that. I did not particularly enjoy the sensation of having my clothes burn off. But, that was the first time that's happened to me. Ugh, except in Grade 3, but that' another story. Wait, did I state earlier that we don't have an education system? What is WRONG with me? I suppose that Alzheimer's can come at an early age, but I didn't expect to get it this early! Oh dear, if Prim could see me now she would throw up her stomach contents onto my clothes, causing a chain reaction until no one in the world has anything in their stomachs. So, to summarize that sentence into a few words (in school – if we had it – summarizing was not my strong suit. Well obviously, considering how long I am stretching out these parentheses. The interior space is like a crocodile's mouth, just waiting to devour a human being in its stomach's ascorbic acids. Wait, no, is it ascorbic? That's Vitamin C, I think I'm thinking of something else... HMM, I'll have to Google it after I take over the world. Holy shmoly, PLOT SPOILERS! Wow Katniss, what's wrong with you? Apparently a lot if I'm talking to myself.), I am glad I am not dead. And if you followed that sentence, I congratulate you heartily!

Hehe, that paragraph was 221 words! =D

So, after that I take off my clothes in front of Cinna (again, sadly. It sounds like I'm going to have to do a lot of this, and I don't like that.), and he puts me back at ground zero (I think he has Alzheimer's, because we go through the whole conversation about terrorism again, sheesh!). He and his stylists (did I mention they're guys?) then fix me up again (It seems I'm using a lot of these parentheses, so I'll try to minimize the amount of times I use them. Nah, just kidding, I only used this to lighten the mood. Oh, true, now you're angry or mad at me, so never mind then.). And suddenly, I'm struck at how much this narrative is failing due to parentheses. So I'd better get on with the story or my publisher is going to literally kill me. No joke.

After Cinna does a touch up with his three guy-friends (I'm not even going there...), he starts talking to me in a creepy voice. I guess that's what he's famous for.

"Katnippy Whatnippy, come hither to me!"

"Really Cinna, that's not appropriate."

"Why not?"

"Because, readers want to read interesting dialogue that gets to the heart of the character to develop their personality. The only personality you've got is a creep."

Cinna gives me the puppy eyes. "But Katniss, I – I LOVE YOU!"

"Really Cinna? That just does the OoC thing, and nobody likes that (In case you're an ignoramus, that means Out of Character). So if I were you, I would SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

"Oh, true. Sorry protagonist. Anyways, my three special friends and I have made a pretty dress for you! You want to see the pretty dress? Huh? You want a pretty dress? Come to Cinna's room, he has special dress in there for you to wear!"

"Ok then... not even going there. Just give me the dress and then I'm out of here."

"Fine then main character. Have it your way. Here's your dress, it's special. When you twirl, it stays on your body. Huzzah. So just twirl during the interviews. I'm outta here." And with that, Cinna exits the room, and quickly ducks behind the door, waiting for me to exit that way too. I don't want to think about that creep... he gives me the shivers. So I go out the back exit, and run into Peeta.

"Wow Katniss, please, some decency! I know this is rated T, but come on, you don't want me to make it rated M. Are you purposefully walking to me like that without any clothes on?"

"WOAH! Didn't see that one coming. Peeta pulling a double entendre type move? Out of the ordinary, OoC! What's wrong with all of these supporting characters! I am trying to narrate a good story that will sell to young adults around the world, and you fools are just making it difficult! What will I say to my publisher when she reads the draft and says, 'Gee, what's wrong with Peeta, he's making an OoC move!' Yeah, that's right Peeta, in yo FACE!"

Peeta simply stares and blinks at me. "Katniss, that was a rather OoC move, I don't understand why you just said that. I'm telling Mommy when I get home. Or maybe at the interviews! Yeah, that'll be cool. See you then! Wait a minute... you're still tout nu."

"Wow Peeta, way to go, now you're using French colloquialisms. Tout nu? You could have just said no clothes, it's so much easier! I am going to go into my room and scream, and maybe even talk to Cleverbot. Because he's a robot, and I can reveal all my personal information like my address!"

"Katniss, by the way, your skin is beautiful. That sounds really creepy, but it's some type of foreshadowing. Darn narrator. And plus, Cleverbot isn't a robot, you're talking to other real users, and they switch users once in a while so that you think it's a robot. Katniss, it's the truth."

... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream. Suddenly I don't care that I don't have any clothes on. I run back into the room and put on my dress. What a shocker, I never saw that one coming.

Well, it's time for the interviews so I go and sit in the spot reserved for us tributes. My heart is still pounding, as the revelation is shocking – positively shocking. OK then, I just made a James Bond reference. Katniss Everdeen is back, and better than ever. And that's what seperates me from them. Not that I really know who "them" is.

The interviews are so boring. Honestly, I've been watching these on TV for over a decade, and this is always the most boring part. Other than President Snow, with his speech full of white lies. OH YEAH! I did just do that, make a joke like that. Oh wow, I am awesome. Katniss is the best name in the world, I am so naming my son 'Katniss'. OK, this is so boring, cue the flash-forward sound from LOST.

KASHWOOPLEEZAKJUDDDD... no, that can't be right.

Anyways, right now I am sitting with Caesar Flickerman, the host for the interviews. I fell asleep for quite a while, because I am the last one to go. And I am determined that this will be the best interview that snowy dude has seen in his entire life. So, he asks me a question:

"Is it true that your name is Katniss Everdeen? PSYCH! Wow, you noob, I totally got you!"

"Well, I wouldn't be talking. You're the dude wearing a ring of olives on your head a nd a white toga on your torso. Sandals? Those are out of style, just ask the most 2-dimensional character in the book."

"I see you've met Cinna, he is so OoC. And what are you wearing? Is that a dress? What does it do? Kill people with hidden flamethrowers? Yeah, after that stunt you pulled yesterday with that gasoline, I wouldn't be surprised if you killed every last one of us. Show me your dress; I can take it. BRING IT ON!"

So I bring it on. I stand up and do my preliminary stretches, perfect for pre-game work outs. Caesar seems to be doing some type of finger exercise pushing his index finger out toward the audience, bringing it back, and then pointing at the ceiling. I do some neck rolls, but my neck is so stiff. I do a few kicks to prepare while Caesar does eyebrow raises, and sings a few la-la-la-la-la's to prepare. He does some beat-boxing. Is this a rap battle? I sure hope not, I hate rap, I prefer pop music like Ke$ha and Katy Perry. PSYCH!

We're both ready, so I begin. I twirl. That's what Cinna the 2-D creep told me to do, so I do. I twirl and twirl and twirl all around, clockwise, counter that, anything that comes to mind. And then I feel a bit dizzy, because that is the body's response to such an event. And I'm feeling the edge of the stage drawing closer and closer and–

"AHHHHHH!" I scream as I fall off the stage, about a 50-foot drop until I reach the audience. Just kidding. More like 100 foot. So I am freaking out. The creator of the interview place didn't really think of this one. But I'm falling, and I'm screaming, and I realize that I won't land on a little girl; I am going to land in a pool of ketchup. And I love ketchup. So, in midair, I get myself together and get into a cannonball position, ready for the splash. I make impact and expect a tidal wave of ketchuppy goodness, but no, I just sink. Darn it, viscosity.

I gave them a show, and now they're all laughing at me. That's OK. Tomorrow is the training scores real deal, and then we're going to go into the arena and kill each other. Fun, fun, fun. So I lick myself, and Cinna comes over and offers to lick me (so I slap him), and by the time I'm in bed, I am tired. Wow, whodda woulda thoughta that?

(Insert reference to popular culture and media here!)

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter, the next one will be concerning training and the scores, so the actual Hunger Games will be happening in a few short chapters. But I'll get there when I get there. Remember: read much, review often.**


	9. Chapter 9: Blubber

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Another chapter, once again; the last of 2011. This one deals with the training scores, and what should have happened. And, by the way, I have nothing against fat people. To clear anything up... ahem... anyway... And the bit about anyways not being a word? It can be used slightly as a slang term, but in proper language it is more proper to use anyway. Anyway... READ ON!**

**Chapter 9: Blubber**

So, the interviews apparently went very well. According to Haymitch, he received over two trillion telephone calls asking to lick me. The visual is... Oh, that's just gross! Please, someone, get me out of this place of everlasting saliva! Where did all these tongues come from?

Whoops, I just made another grammatical error. Did you know that it is a grammatical error to end your sentence with a preposition? No, not a proposition, a preposition. Now I am going into tangents. Allow me to pause and choose one...

...

OK, I'll go into one then the other. First, about... OH MY GOONDESS I JUST LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT! As said in Calvin and Hobbes, my train of thought derailed before entering into the station. Yes, yes, quite humorous, thank you, yes, yes. Wow. I am an idiot. I can imagine the headline in tomorrow's paper: "Katniss Everdeen, Teenage Idiot Thinks Strange Thoughts and Narrates Life in First Person; Wants to Write Best-Selling Narrative; Is Weird". Any newspaper that picked up that one would run out of money for ink. With a lack of thought for this, I will move onto my second tangent. Like a tangerine. Lol. Ha, that's not even a word, lol.

Anyway, remember how I said something about prepositions? That reminded me of something that I now forget. Oh, bother. I feel like Winnie-the Pooh. Where's my honey? RABBIT! GIVE ME THA DARN HONEY AND I WON'T HAVE TO EAT THE PIGLET! I AM SERIOUS! I HAVE A BOW AND ARROW AND I AM NOT TO BE TRUSTED!

Say, do you know what's ironic? Precisely, nothing.

So, what is this chapter called? Blubber? EW! That is gross, is this about a fat person? That is honestly disgusting, fat people make me puke. Once I saw a rerun of the Biggest Loser and suddenly – BLEGH! I threw up onto Prim's goat (whose name is Chlifa, AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you get that one, man, you are good!) who now hates me. Well, I hate it, except for the milk it provides. Actually, I hate that milk. And goat cheese – BLAGH! I just threw up on Peeta's head. That is correct, he is in front of me. We are standing in line for tacos today at lunch. I know, I spent about 200 words talking about comics and propositions, so I had better continue with the story or my publisher – an evil man named Bob the Builder – will throw cement at me. Back to reality... (OH I AM SUCH A MASTER OF IRONY!)

"Really Katniss? You just threw up on my hair while we are in line for tacos. That is disgusting." Says Peeta, taking a gob of the goo and slinging at the nearest person (a dreadfully overweight guy whom I later learn is named Steve the Rapper).

"But Peeta, it's not my fault. You see, the narrator made me think about it." I say this in a rush. For some reason. Maybe because I was too lazy to replace my poorly placed period with a comma. Oh sigh.

"Katniss, are you a stupid idiot who needs to visit the doctor? Wow, we don't even need to ask that question, do we?" He turns to the readers and winks. Wow. That was creepy. But he has a good point. Being the narrator, I created something of an oxymoron, blaming myself for implementing an idea in my own head. Gosh, why is this in the first person? I can only really blame myself for that. Why didn't I create a nom de plume, perhaps something like Jacqueline Lafixe? That would be epic. Ugh, spellcheck says that Lafixe isn't a real word. I'll have to try for a real one. Fantine? NO! I thought that would work, as it is a proper name in a classic fictional work by Victor ugo. Oh well. Really, I have to get back to the narrative.

"You are correct Peeta, I think I will take a Tylenol. Get back to normal – whatever your normal is!"

"Really Katniss, I didn't think you were the type to sell yourself for cheap advertising. Honestly. And Tylenol? I can't believe it. I am dumping you."

"But Peeta, this is only the first book... I wanted to hold back on the foreshadowing until about Chapter 14, and what is this? Chapter 9? Not acceptable. And how did you know that? Did you read my plot outlines in my special secret super awesome journal/diary?"

Peeta blushes green. "Well, you know magical fairy dust and its magical properties... some of it accidentally tumbled onto your special secret super awesome journal/diary and it opened and actually talked to me."

With a sudden realization that Bob the Builder probably won't like this chapter if we keep talking about my special secret super awesome journal/diary, I walk away, leaving him and the rapper Steve dripping in throw up. Ha. They are strange little elves.

I walk to training, where we are going to do our training scores. WHOOPIE! I hope I throw up on Rue.

"What did you just say in your narration?" says a little girl right beside me. It is a little puny tiny miniscule (add more synonyms at will) girl named Rue. What is her last name? Your mother cares.

"Well, if you read the script I handed you in Chapter 6, I said: 'I hope I throw up on Rue' because it is true. Haha, I am just kidding."

She gives me the (to borrow the colloquialism) hairy eyeball. Well, an eyeball can't be that hairy, it would be disgusting. So we both walk in different directions until we realize we walked right past the door leading to the training. Man, we are idiots.

"Katniss! I thought you had died!" says Haymitch.

"Haymitch, close your mouth. Bob is going to cancel the novel if we don't get through the scores." He instantly shuts up. Bob is like taboo. No, not the game you silly goose.

I am going to skip a bunch of annoying filler paragraphs involving long and boring conversations and a text message from the editor (he says I need to get this to him 24 after the games finish or I will die – AH FORESHADOWING!). So, finally it is time for me to go in. Haymitch, still drunk, tries to give me a hug, so I move to the side swiftly. He lands on Peeta's lap. But on with it.

I go into the training arena where there are these people in a box above me eating meat. Well, not really above me, more like to my right. Stupid me. I have my choice of what I can do, so I pick up a bow and some arrows and plan to shoot at this dummy. More like a dumby! Ha! Get it? No? OK then. So, there are the people in the box. They are not paying me any attention at all, just eating and drinking wine. Grape wine. In case you didn't know. So, I do what any relatively insane person would do – I get mad at them. Well, more like enraged. They are supposed to give me a score out of 12. So, being kin to Anne of Green Gables, my temper gets the better of me. With a Tarzan cry, I turn around and shoot the arrow at the turkey a particularly fat man is eating. Now you will see how my ramblings actually have a point.

Since fat people make me sick, I start to throw up while I am shooting. Just as the arrow releases from the shaft, I jerk my hand the slightest little bit. Oh no. It will not eat the turkey.

The next few minutes happen in super slow motion.

The arrow hits the fat man in his particularly fat cheek. His blubbery face wobbles a bit as the arrow bounces off and lands at his feet. WOAH! Didn't see that one coming! The rest of his body is jiggling as all the rest of the boring men look at me with evil stares. Before they can do anything to me, I – first throw up – and then shoot a bunch of arrows to create a smiley face, and a message "I'm sorry!" =) I'm sorry

I quickly walk out of the arena and go to my room. I go to sleep. I wake up. It is the day where we will learn our scores. To skip even more boring selections and a phone call from Bob, I skip to where we are all in front of an ancient-looking television. I am surprised. For the Capitol, this is extremely low-tech. I will skip more extremely boring dialogue with Haymitch, and the part where we celebrate my score of 11, to the time I go to bed. Good night. I hate my life.

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wrote it in less than an hour. Yes, I am slightly bored. Remember: read much, review often. I will hopefully have more up later. Next year. ha. Sounds funny. next chapter will begin the Hunger Games - FINALLY! I might have to reread the books to remember the sequence of events. Anyway... YES!**


	10. Chapter 10: I am Suddenly Hungry

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Well now, it certainly has been a while. Maybe the reason I have this up now is because I was writing this instead of studying for my science test - WHICH WAS REALLY EEEEASY! But in any case, this is the chapter before Katniss enters into the Hunger Games. Will Cinna actually get at Katniss? Will Peeta and Katniss have a strange discussion? WIll there be some double entendres? Probably. You'll just have to read to find out!**

**Chapter 10: I am Suddenly Hungry**

I don't know why I am laughing. Oh, that's right, I borrowed Peeta's joke book. Derp. Anyway, it is the day we are going to depart for the arena. I stole Peeta's joke book because I am too lazy to buy my own. Are there even joke book stores in the Capitol? I don't know! And I don't even care. Imma gonna be outta here in a jiffy, word! Wait – I already went through that mental discussion about what word means. Should I do it again? OH MY! It's an internal conflict within an internal conflict! Internal conflictception! Wait, that's not a word… word… this is going to end really soon if Bob doesn't like this new chapter. It's supposed to be thrilling and exciting and intense and awesome because I might just DIE! He said that he sent out a poll and 99% of the readers wanted me to die in Chapter 10. But then there was a big protest all over the world, and they had a slogan saying that "We are the 1%", so I guess maybe they will make an impact! But then again they were just sitting there and shouting and doing nothing, so yeah.

Pardon me. Peeta just told me that the slogan "We are the 1%" is a global protest about the economy. Now that's ridiculous. Because if it's happening right now it means we are on two separate timelines, which means that if there were a way to cross into the other time stream I would end up in past North America! Yay! That would be super-awesome-and-splendidly-fantastic-with-a-cherry-on-top! But wait a minute, that is altogether impossible! My mind has officially been blown. And the narrative has halted, so I will get back on track.

So I see an Avon girl.

The plot is pretty thin right now… so I will tell a story about how Gale and I met. So once I was walking in the woods shooting squirrels left and right, when a fat boy walked into the path of my arrow. He got an arrow to the knee, but I had magical powers back then, so I healed him. He felt grateful, so he gave me a dead pig and I sold it and got about 7 dollars. Yeah, that's about it for the story about how we met. But after we met we went on several extraordinary adventures, like the time we went through the magical forest of swirly candy canes, or the time we swam in the ocean of chocolate gum drops. Wait, those were the times we were on drugs, so they don't really count (NOTE TO YOUNG AUDIENCE DRUGS ARE SUPER BAAAAAAAAAAAD! SO DON'T HAVE THEM!). But how we actually met was there was a snare and I touched it and it snapped on my hand so I did a bit of an Irish jig trying to get it off and Gale walked up and he started jigging with me until his foot got caught in a trap, so I toughened up and took it off me and him, and he was crying so I slapped him, shocking him into happiness, and then we were good friends. ! That was a really stupid story I never should have told the audience about it. The audience is you! Oh snap! I have just lost my train of thought so I will… um… read a chapter summary… yeah good idea!

It's morning now after my thoughts about Gale and Irish people, so I go eat breakfast.

"Peeta's going to train with me and you are a sucker," says Haymitch Abernathy. So I drop my jaw and do the Irish jig. Did you know that once I had a dog who was Irish? Yes, I did, but then on Bring-Your-Dog-To-Work-Day, he was in an unfortunate accident with my father in the mines. He died. I cried when I came home and my mom said, "Why are you crying Katnip?" After punching her repeatedly, I said, "Irish Dog died!" That Is right, we named the dog Irish Dog because that is precisely what he was. So, then my Mom said "Oh no – is father dead?" I said, "Yeah, I think so, but who cares about Dad? IRISH DOG BEEPING DIED!" What does beep even mean? I don't know. But my mom slapped me, and then Prim slapped me, and even that stupid cat Butterface slapped me silly. So I was sick and in need of a doctor and my mom just said "Oh heeellllllllllllllllll no!" so I went to Gale, and that's how we met.

Back to the widely expansive and epic narrative. You know what? We haven't had some good dialogue in a while so how about I copy a transcript of something that happened when Peeta and I met on the roof again.

"Hey Kantkiss Neverclean."

"PEETA! You know that's from another parody, an actually PUBLISHED parody! If they sue us, Imma gonna kill you and Bob will after that, and then you'll die in the Hunger Games! So just quiet yourself down."

"Oh, that's what I was reading the other day! You know they called me Pita Malarkey, and that made me cry. By the way what does malarkey mean?"

"Um… let me check in the dictionary."

"This is the Capitol they do not have any dictionaries you fool. It was probably degrading anyway. They think that I do not have the ability to kiss and that I never bathe myself in water? SHAAAAAAME!"

"Prove it then."

"What, you want to watch me have a shower?"

"Aw yeah, sure, let's make it a date. I'll cook you up some buns…"

"Peeta, enough with the double entendres, this is supposed to be a children's book. So you want me to kiss you, you mean?"

"Yes, that is right Katniss."

"Aw heeeeellllllllllllllllllllll no you idiot."

"Well it was worth a try."

"WOAH! Are you a – you know – a–"

"No, no it's not what you think!"

"YOU ARE A BAKER!"

*awkward silence broken by the sound of a squirrel hitting Katniss in the face*

"That was a strangely awkward silence."

"That was a strange squirrel and you are a really awkward person. I know you were revealing your true intentions with me…"

"Well I'm going to go, I've read the end of the story already, I know what you know… I CAN READ IT YOUR EYEYEYEYES…"

Another reason to kill Peeta before he tries to get to me. Because I know he wants to kill me now so that I will not beat the bloody pulp fiction out of him. Look at that, I just made a cool and witty reference to a popular media form! BOO YEAH! Uhuh I am the awesomesty westy person to ever exist on the Earth Smurf! LOOK AT THAT I AM ON FIRE! Actually, that was Chapter 8 I think. SO never mind that. Well, I hope Bob is happy that I did something interesting with that dialogue. It was slightly racy, but that's OK, because that's what the kids want. You see, I was talking to this 8 year old and… well that's another story for another time – NEVER!

Awkward silence broken by me saying awkward silence.

You know, doesn't that always happen to you? You're talking to someone and all of a sudden you both stop talking, and there is silence for a second or two (except for that kid crying in the neighbour's house), and then one of you says "Wow, that was an awkward silence", thereby breaking the awkward silence! I just don't get it! Well back to the narrative.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I have not read the book entitled the Hunger Games in at least a year. That is why I am trying to stall and fill up space, if you haven't noticed, with Kantkiss Neve- rather, Katniss Everdeen's ramblings about nothing at all. Maybe I'll read it soon so that I can remember the story :D

**BACK TO YOUR SORT-OF-NOT-REALLY ENTERTAINMENT UNLESS YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS**

Really? That was really random. Do I ramble? I don't think I ramble. You know my mommy once told me that – true.

"So I am now in a helicopter surveying the land. It is black. And that was not a racist statement, dear friends like Cinna a.k.a. Lenny Kravitz. It is simply because I am in a helicopter with windows painted over with black paint. Not comparing African-Americans to paint or anything else for that matter, I am not racist..."

"Katniss, shut the swear word up!" Peeta yells at me, replacing a bad word with "the swear word" so that my story will appeal to a larger audience, other than bored people with no time on their hands hoping to die. Sorry if you are reading this and do NOT fit this description. "Katniss, you've been announcing the ongoing events for at least two hours. And you keep saying exactly the same thing over and over again. Give me a break and a gun so that I can eat my cake and then shoot myself."

"OK," I say, handing him a picture of a broken arm and a Nerf Gun. Taking the Gun, he shoots himself in the face, but the Nerf missile misses his face entirely. Either he is playing around or he had too much coffee again.

"Tributes, please fasten your seatbelts," says a loud and rowdy voice. "We are about to go through a time/space portal to an alternate dimension filled with butterflies and ponies," he says, and my face brightens. Peeta rolls his eyes.

"Yay, really, we are going to an alternate dimension!"

The man guffaws. Rudy Trudy. "You stupid person, we're actually landing in teh underground hangar where you will spend your last few precious seconds before being killed in brutal and violent ways only imagined by dictators and video game nerds. Loser."

And that's when I snap. A twig. Because I am awesome like that.

So, we land and talk and do a bunch of boring stuff, and I'm like WOOHOO and Peeta's like SHUT UP and Cinna's like PRECIOUSSSS, making a reference to Lord of the Rings. Wow, I knew he was a psycho, but I had no idea he read books. Maybe he just likes Frodo... a LOT! So and then we are in this really weird room, and I am alone there with Cinna. And the door is locked. That's when he makes his move.

"You are very pretty Katniss."

"IKR!"

"You are going to win the Hunger Games."

"IKR!"

"You are going to remove..."

"Oh no you didn't!"

"True."

After that the bell rings, so I go to answer the door. Being such a funny person, I answer: "Joe's Pizza, you order, we schmorder!"

Two guards glare at me. "Shut the swear word up lady. And get in that glass tube." I don't see why not. So I go in, but before, Cinna makes one more attempt at getting in me. He grabs at my chest area, and pretends to put a Mockingjay pin there. What an idiot, I hope he dies. Maybe he will. So the guards carry him off and I am going up in the tube. And then I am in the arena. Just because the chapter title needs to have some correlation with the chapter itself, I say out loud (to the chagrin of the other competitors):

"I am suddenly hungry!"

******Any Hunger Games fanatic knows that the Hunger Games movie is coming out tomorrow (if you are really ignorant... it's Thursday). So this is in celebration of the day before. I am going to try and get the next chapter up tomorrow in celebration of the movie. In fact I was originally going to put this one up tomorrow, but hey - we could all do with a bit of light-hearted Hunger Games fun on the day the movie comes out. So stay tuned. The next chapter will involve... oh gosh, I don't even know what. YOu see, I write whatever comes into my head, so that's why it's really weird. I need to see a psychologist :P So if the whole thing is seeming out of whack - it is. Remember: read much, review often! And don't be shy to PM me if you think I am the craziest person in the history of .**

**TOODALOO! **


	11. Chapter 11: Absolutely Useless  Really

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Well, here we are, the chapter where absolutely nothing happens. And I'm not even joking. You think I'm kidding? YOU read this chapter! This is just a bunch of filler, basically. And this is when the T rating really comes into effect for some strong double entendres and references... if you know what I mean. We learn something strange about President Snow and Plutarch Heavensbee or whatever his last name is. I hope you at least laugh, And I made the middle part exactly 2000 words - at least according to Microsoft Word. So yes, read it, laugh, groan, and best of all, review when you're done.**

**Chapter 11: Absolutely Useless. No, Really.**

Wow, so this is what it's like to be in the Hunger Games! It's actually pretty cool. Oh by the way remember when I was talking about the Avon girl? Yeah, maybe I should have expanded about that. Because when you think of an Avon girl, you think of someone going around and selling women's products. There's a catch though: they don't have any tongues. There was once a show on Capitol TV (the only TV station other than Reality Show Central) about the Avon girls, and the one who sold the most products would get their tongue back. Not surprisingly, no one won.

Why am I talking about the Avon girls? I _have_ just entered into the Hunger Games arena, and I am probably going to face certain death. Well, there are a lot of variables concerning death such as stupidity of opponents and the arena itself, but I'm not too worried. Usually there are some really strange people who compete, such as in the 54th Hunger Games. This guy ran right into the Cornucopia and took off all his clothed. In effect, he flashed the camera with his whole body! At home we were all applauding, and in the arena everyone was laughing their heads off, and I think even the gamemakers were laughing their heads off (a special behind-the-scenes feature showed their heads actually popping off their necks). But even after their heads popped off a bunch of Peacekeepers came up and shot their fingernails off – a capital crime for laughing on the job. That's why Prim declined when they offered to take her to Peacekeeper school – you see she is a tigress at heart. Scratch that – a TIGER! RAWRAWRAWRWR! Because she happens to be oddly male... but I don't want to get into that. Actually, I do. Just not now. Oh my goodness, I'm just looking through my mental checklist! You know in stories where people make mental notes to do things and go all stupid and mental? Yeah? No? Maybe so? HEEHEE! Well I'm one of those people because I'm cliché. No, not in a weird way. Maybe I should add to the list to talk about Prim sometime because I never really described her character. Maybe I'll do that sometime when I'm trapped in a cave with my District mate and someone sends us a something and we do something. Ew, not that.

Back to the action. This is boring. I'll let you hear what I am.

"Riders, please do not step off your metal plates you are standing on. Pardon me, the grammar in this sentence is terrible – Jerry, who wrote this? Ken? Well go over there and effing shoot him with your machine gun! There... OK, that's better. Geez, can't even ask for some good grammar when we are talking to the Tributes! OK... is this still on? Wow, honestly, who's working the audio? Jerry was? Well, no wonder, you went and shot him, why'd you do that? I told you to? Well you're just a stupid low-down UGH!"

"Sorry, we're experiencing some technically not-really-technical problems. Chuckle chuckle. Just lightening the mood. Em, sorry, this is really hard. HA blafjklas HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my goodness, that's what she said! WOOOOOOHOO! Well my goodness, that beats all. Oh wow, hey Prezzy, got any good jokes? AUGH!"

"Hello contestants. This is President Snow, the coolest guy in the world! SOOOOOO sup? Yeah, not much, things are going pretty well with me since I am the most awesome guy in the world! And no – I will disprove the rumor that I invented gravity! SIKE! Haha, I am driving all you idiots crazy! Oh, don't mind me; I'm just the old guy who looks like Santa! YADA YADA YADA!

"Come on chaps; give me at least a laugh... I'm watching you!

"There is a downside to being creepy I guess. Oh well I'll just leave."

...

...

...

"Fools. You're all going to die a terrible and painful death! You know why? Because I'm sexy and I know it!"

"Boss, come here!"

"What is it Plutarch?"

"I've got something for you!"

"What did you say?"

"The hobbits, the hobbits, the hobbits, the hobbits – to Isengard! To Isengard! The hobbits, the hobbits, the hobbits, the hobbits – to Isengard! They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! Gard-ga-ga-ga-ga-gard!"

(Both) "Doooo do do dooooo do do doooooooo, Do do dooooooo do do doooooo do do doooooo do do do do dooooooo do do dooooooo do do do doooooooo. Do do doooooo do do dooooooo do do dooooooooo!"

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you do not know that song, and cannot even understand how in the hecksicles do over and over again can be considered a song, look up "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard" on Youtube. And try to listen to it for 10 hours! I almost got through 10 minutes, but anyway.**

By this time I think that pretty much all the tributes are half-asleep. I know that I'm wide awake a shooooooooo HAHAHAHAHAHAHA just kidding, jk! Wow I am so hilarious. Sorry – sometimes I can't help but laugh at my won ultimately silly jokes. Am I not so silly? Who's the silly one? Who's the silly one? Who? You!

...

Why am I speaking to myself like a baby? Oh right, because I'm so silly! Oh – I think something more is coming on the speakers. Oh, and by the way, in case you didn't know, all this is being broadcast to millions – scratch that, _trillions_ of people in Panem. What I hear now is... oh my, that's just...

"Wanna come over to my place tonight Plutarch?"

"What are we going to do Corialanus?"

"Remember – just call me Cory."

"OK. So, we gonna make some hot dogs?"

"Hotter than ever! I've been cooking some up in my oven if you know what I mean…"

"I'll bring the condiments… the mustard."

"Ooh you're just such a smexy boy!"

"Rawr! Oh, I just love it when you–"

"Is this thing still on? NO! We're recording live! Plutarch get out of here! Oh, remember to bring the hot sauce with you – extra-large. We ran out last time."

I always wondered if there was something going on with those two blokes – all those snide remarks

"I want a hot dog! With extra mustard!" I say out loud, although maybe a bit too loud. All the contestants around me groan, save Peeta, who licks his lips slowly.

"I'll cook one up for you…"

"Peeta, go die in a mining explosion or get stung by tracker jackers or go get acquainted with death in some unpleasant manner."

There is a long and awkward moment of silence, which I use to look around at the other Tributes. The girl in District 5 … WHOA! That's not even a girl, it looks like some rabid… _fox_ hybrid! I gotta get me one of those! I mean, what would you do if you had a fox-human hybrid? If it were a guy, I would slink around and whisper _foxy_ things in its ears... hehehe, get it? Oh wow I just make myself laugh sometimes! But then again, who doesn't make me laugh? Well, I guess Stephen Harper. I don't see anything at all even remotely humorous about him. Scuse me, did I get off topic again? Maybe I should slap myself.

"Contestants, I am very sorry that the beginning of the Hunger Games is being delayed, but we are just having a bit of fun backstage – not that any of you would care, because most of you will be dead within a matter of paragraphs! You see, I am magical – in more ways than one, if you know what I mean! How do I speak a winky face? I don't want to verbally say winky face-right bracket, but I guess I have no choice so I'll say it. IT! Oh my goodness, all you stupid fools always fall for that one, I think I'm going to start the Games because we're running out of random monologue and dialogue.

"So, well, let's have a little sharing session here: how is everyone feeling at the beginning of the Hunger Games? Huh? Contestants?"

"FOXY!" I yell. "HUNGRY!"

The President chuckles. "You don't feel foxy, you're thinking about the girl from District 5, whose name is actually Foxface! Interesting fact, yes, don't we all love interesting facts? OH MY GOODNESS! That's a good idea, next year we should do a Jeopardy-themed Hunger Games! Or Wheel of Fortune! THIS IS JEOPARDY! I know, right, I bet that the viewer rating would raise from 99.9% to 100%! What's that Harry? The whole Capitol is forced to watch the Games? Well, I'm not one of them! Maybe I'll actually watch this year!

"Sorry contestants, but as it stands, we only have about 1400 words down right now, and Kantkiss Neverclean's editor or whatever his face is wants at least 1750 in this chapter."

"SHUT UP MY NAME ISN'T KANTKISS AND I CAN I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU SIKE WHY WOULD I ACTUALLY DO THIS I HOPE I DON'T USE UP ALL MY VOCAL CHORD POWER BECAUSE I'M LINED UP FOR TWO MORE NOVELS UP AFTER THIS ONE IF IT'S SUCCESSFUL SORRY ALL YOU STUPID CONTESTANTS I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KILL ME BECAUSE I AM AWESOME!"

"Em... I don't know if I want this particular chapter to go on any longer because I think that the main character is just slightly psychopathic... you know what, I think I'm going to recommend you to a good friend of mine who could really help you! Want to talk later? HAHAHA you're gonna die in the Hunger Games, why would we talk later? I may as well just press the "Murder Katniss Everdeen" button on my remote control – you know, I do have one."

"You're lying, you're actually a contestant on Undercover Boss and you've failed!"

"Wha–"

"Oh snap Prezzy Wezzy, I gotcha fair and square this time. And by the way, the only way to say winky face is by saying winky face. You are a weird person and–"

Suddenly, there is an automated voice message in my head.

'President Snow has decided to ignore you. After recovering from symptoms of depression and absolute joy – and after you have finished talking to someone about your bipolar disorder – maybe you can go visit him in his office for some tea and crumpets. He is a gentleman when it's his robot talking to you and not him. Thank you. This is a recording. And I'll prove that by making a beep sound. BEEEEEP!'

Thank goodness for that automated message, it pushed the total word count about 1750 words! So we'll be able to allow readers the peace of mind that the chapter will be over soon. I hope at least. Because this has been the strangest chapter so far... well, except for Chapter 2, I don't know what was up with that title. I mean REAP? That sounds a lot like another word, which I do not wish to talk about. Gale and I have already had the discussion that it's not the other word – we both agreed, so it's... what do you call it... consensual. OK, this is really awkward because Peeta might read this sometime, and if Peeta knew he would flip out. Why am I worrying about Peeta?

"I feel that an important plot point is being revealed, readers!" says the girl from District 10. Oh, I'm reading this, I'd better listen for an important plot point so that I don't get lost in the narrative!

...

...

...

OK, that's right I'm the narrator so I'm the one who delivers the plot points! Well the way I see it, the big plot point is...

"Get ready Tributes! The Games begin in three, two, one and a half, one and a quarter, one and an eighth, one and a sixteenth... oh screw this, I'm sick of it: The Hunger Games begin... NOW!"

WOW!

**I hope you weren't scared off by that chapter - I admit, I almost was. I don't usually write like this, but when I do, I make sure to add a joke like this in somewhere. NYEH! Well, I use well a lot to start off my sentences. Derpy. So next chapter will NOT be filler, I promise. Katniss will actually do something interesting, and I think we're going to see a very large plot twist in the next chapter. hehe, it's going to be a huge plot twist - bigger than the Snow-Plutarch one in this. I can't even believe I thought that up... I am being so long-winded and I should be doing my homework. OK, stop typing. ... ... ... UGH IT'S IMPOSSIBLE OK I will stop writing but if I don't get a few reviews i am going to make the next chapter twice as long as this one. I'm not kidding. OK - better idea. If I DO get some reviews, I WILL write the next chapter twice as long! OK, well, that's bad. I'd better start writing the next chapter... after my science homework!**

REMEMBER: Read much review often!


	12. Chapter 12: THE BIGGEST PLOT TWIST EVER

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Well, this is certainly a really strange and interesting chapter. Unlike the previous one, it actually drives the plot forward - at about 1 Km/h. Yes, be it as it may slow, sort of steady. Actually, not really at all. And one thing: this chapter is Rated T for a reason. Not violence. Just warning you ;P This took a lot of time in the works because I tried to make it really good. Enjoy, and remember, paradoxes are a lot of fun.**

**Chapter 12: The Biggest Plot Twist Ever**

So we all start running to the Cornucopia. Wait a minute, I'm running to the Cornucopia? Ha, who'd ever think I'd be running to the Cornucopia in the 74th Hunger Games! But then again, this moment is not very fun. Because someone just fell on their face, dead. It's pretty amazing that I'm not using run-on sentences, because I'm pretty bad at grammar, you know, because there was never a good teacher in our school except Mrs. Hungaria, this woman with a really strange accent who said that she comes from a far-away land across the sea where people never die because of magical potions and such! She died.

Wait a minute, I'm in the Hunger Games! Oh true I already said that. How many times do I have to repeat myself before I actually LISTEN to myself? Oh my goodness, I am IN THE HUNGER GAMES AND I MIGHT DIE BECAUSE, WELL YOU KNOW MOST PEOPLE DIE IN THE HUNGER GAMES!

OK, so I see Peeta yelling at me. "KATNISS YOU STUPID IDIOT WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HAYMITCH TOLD YOU TO RUN FOR THE RIVER OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE, NOT RUN TO THE CORNUCOPIA! I'M TELLING YOUR MOTHER!" DARN IT he's going to tell Mom and Prim will be mad and act like a spoiled Princess and I DON'T WANT TO DIE! Well, too late, I'm in the Cornucopia. So, I'd better do something… maybe the Irish jig!

"Gale, if you are watching this, then look at me! I am doing the Irish jig!" All the Tributes including Peeta stop fighting and look at me. Even the dead person who fell looks while I do the Irish jig. You know, the Irish jig is actually sort of fun! I should do this more often!

"KATFACE LOOK OUT!" Foxface shouts at me. I ignore her and glare.

"Excuse me you disgusting fox hybrid? How DARE you say that to me! I have worked long and hard to learn the Irish jig, and it hurts my feelings when you laugh at me. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I ever try." All the Tributes stare at me with their jaws agape, so I just laugh. "All you people think you're funny, well listen to this. Why did the chicken cross the road? BECAUSE I WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE DOING THE IRISH JIG AND THE CHICKEN WANTED TO WATCH BECAUSE I AM JUST SO AWESOME! You all think that you are going to be the victor in the Hunger Games, but you are all wrong. I'M THE FREAKY PROTAGONIST!"

"You got the freaky right…"

"SHUT UP! I'm out of here. And you stupid District 1, 2, 3, 4, whatever people – CAREERS – I'm going to just up and take everything from the pile here while you kill each other goodbye." So I just pick up a few weapons, some food, some things and a neon orange backpack, and I head off into the forest. Just as I enter I see a Cyclops chasing me! AHHH! Just kidding. It's just an arrow. I want to run back and scream "RUDE!" and point my index finger up like Bon Qui Qui or whatevs her face is (I JUST MADE A SORT-OF POPULAR REERENCE!), but I decide that I might get shot. So, I just run into the forest.

A while in, I hear some cannon shots. That means that someone has died. Heehee, that's chuckly. Is chuckly a word? Spell check sayeth no. Oh well. So what am I doing now? I'm running.

**I'M KATNISS AND I'M RUNNING AWAY, RUNNY RUN AWAY, RUNNY RUN AWAYYYY!**

For those of you who have never watched the Yogscast, I have one thing to say. Eff you. And by Eff, I mean Effie Trinket. Her name is like a bad word. So EFF YOU!

Man, this is extremely boring. I mean, it's the twelfth chapter and there's no action! For Peter's sake, I thought this was the HUNGER GAMES LALALALALALALALALALA!

OK, well I'm hiding in a tree. Bob is going to be so mad if nothing happens so I'll just watch My Little Pony – Friendship is MAGIC!

"Hey, Twilight!"

"What is it Spike?"

"You're an idiot!"

"Spike, that is not nice. You know that if we want to make good friends, we have to be nice. Because friends are nice to each other, you know, friends sort of… help each other… yeah, this dialogue is sort of scarce."

"Really Twilight? Really? You have a job studying friendship. Now THAT is idiotic. Like, do you actually get _paid _to be friends with people? Did Princess Celestia have one too many strong ones again…"

"Spike, I get paid with laughter and even more friends!"

"And is there any income tax on it? Do you have to pay taxes like I do? I'm your 'Personal Assistant', I organize everything for you, I antagonize you sometimes so that you can actually learn something and do your job, and I have to pay TAXES! What is wrong with this? Plus, I get paid LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE!"

"Hi Twilight! Do you like my special swirly tail?"

"Oh hi Rainbow Dash! Spike is just antagonizing me again and being generally annoying so that I learn another sweet and awesome lesson about friendship!"

"Oh, that stuff? I don't care. You are a really stupid person."

"AND ABOVE ALL THAT, I also have to explain all the lessons to you in a manner by which you may be able to grasp the littlest PART OF IT!"

"Oh, I'm not trying to teach a lesson of any sort. I just wanted to show off my tail that is sparkly and awesome! And you are stupid, Twilight."

"You see Twilight, Rainbow Dash is just trying to point out one of your faults! Your inability to excel in school studies and friendship lessons is keeping you from being _really_ good friends with Rainbow Dash! So, you had better keep up your studying."

"Actually, I hate Twilight the most out of all the Friendship is Magic characters. I wish I was in the original series, even the though the graphics were the WORST EVER!"

"Spike you nincompoop! You are being a bad friend. I am going to send a letter to princess Celestia! Pen out? I DON'T GIVE A WHIPPITY DOO WHA! Okay, write this:

"Dear Princess Celestia;

"Spike, my little 'friend' is in fact being a bad friend. I think you should hang him like you did to Pinkie Pie. Also, you are such a noobish Princess. No one likes you except for me, so I think that you should change some of your style.

Sincerely, the awesomest pony ever,

Twilight"

"Twilight, you think I actually did that? I just blew a letter saying that all things are fine and that you want a pay decrease!"

"YOU UGLY-LOOKING DINOSAUR!"

"DERRRRRRRRRRP!"

"Hi Derpy Hooves!"

"DERRRRRRRRP Twilight."

"I am glad that I am friends with you, Derpy Hooves, because you never do anything wrong!"

"HERP A DERP!"

"Derpy Hooves! I may have a tail like a Rainbow and be slightly over-enthusiastic and awesome and SOOOO modest, but at least I don't 'accidentally' sit on dynamite plungers to make the dynamite hidden under the house explode!"

"I may be a dinosaur, but I suggest we get out of here before this whole place goes sky-high!"

"HERPITY DERP DERP"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM

"Twilight! Save my spiky tail!"

"I will Spike, because you are my friend."

"Oh, Derpy Hooves, um… please tell me why, um, you killed my friendly little bunnies."

"Fluttershy! You are so cuddly I could kill you!"

(Narrator) "And that, friends, is why friendship is witchcraft – I mean, magic. Tune in next time for the episode titled: 'Fluttershy Chainsaw Massacre'! I am so excited I just wet my pants!"

Well, em… that is rather strange. I think that when President Snow and Plutarch took over the main television networks including "Pony Pwned Network". That was my favourite because ponies are so EPIC! Being Katniss Everdeen, I am a Pegasister. NEIGH!

Wait a second; let me reread the title… "The Biggest Plot Twist Ever"? Oh no, I hate plot twists. Like, when I was watching Fight Club and we suddenly learn about what really happens, I was just like – OH SNAP! And when I was watching the Lord of the Rings and Gandalf was all like YOU SHALL NOT PASS I was like – OH SNAP! And when I was watching Bambi and YO MAMMA DIED! I WAS LIKE – oh snap. And when I was watching the Hunger Games (you know, the movie – DUHH), I was like – wait a minute, why doesn't Madge give me the Mockingjay pin? Like, really, in the sequel Madge becomes more of an important, as does the Pin, so I think that the producers should shoot themselves in the face and die with an iron pin. Beat that, Bi-h!

But no, really, I hate plot twists. I always read books and burn them when there is a huge plot twist I hate, and that's no bull – although it is a bullhorn. So, what would it be like to survive a plot twist? I can just imagine it: KATNISS IS ACTUALLY A GUY! Then Peeta might not like me and – I'm not supposed to know that. I'll just do that epic mindwipe thing. !

So, Peeta. Yeah, he's the guy with the bread. That was a strange incident. Did I tell you about the story in which epic rap battles of history go down? I mean, when things happen that are really strange? I'll tell you about it later and OH SNAP! I forgot, I don't think that Madge gave me the Mockingjay pin in _this_ story either! I'll just Control-F it to find out… Nope, haven't mentioned her until the previous paragraph or so. Oh well, I'll just have to change the past. Actually, I've seen Back to the Future, so I don't want to mess with the past unless it involves Justin Bieber. I want to change that past because that person terrorized the world with violence and poor singing before Panem existed. So yeah. Oh wait a second…

I see a boy down below and – oh my Hoo, this person doesn't have any clothes on! In fact, it looks like he's dancing around a fire with nothing better to do! Wait a second, I can hear some of the things he's saying…

"HOOBALA! RAINY RAIN! DINKY WINKY SWINKY HEY! RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN I AM SO BORED WHAT SHOULD I DO BUT MAKE RAIN FALL!"

It sounds like he is doing some variation of the Hoobla Rain Dance, something that the Capitol made up to trick people in the Districts to hope for rain. They instead got sprayed by a toxic mix of poisonous gases inside a rain cloud. That was District 54. There used to be millions of Districts. AND THEN I GOT AN ARROW TO THE DINOSAUR!

No, really, they got murdered. But back to the person who is dancing naked on a … beach? Oh, I see, there's a sign that says that it's a nudist beach! Oh, wow, I've always wanted to visit a nudist beach but my parents didn't want me to go there. So, now is my big chance! I hurriedly rip off my clothes, and join in the festivities. I notice that it's the boy from District 6, I think his name is Derp. Well, that must explain it. But I'm having so much fun frolicking in the sun right by the beach that I forget that I'm in the Hunger Games! So, the boy and I strike up a conversation.

"Hi, are you Derp?"

"Yes, although I am actually not like my name. I am intelligent and no one cares, just because of my name. I've never had somebody to love." He starts crying. So, I walk over and give him a hug. It's sort of awkward, since neither of us have any clothes on, so we're sort of… touching. And that's when I realize that he's actually really handsome. I mean Gale, he's a beast but this guy has these subtle things about him that make him attractive.

"I don't know why they think that. You're one of the handsomest people I've ever seen!" He blushes. He's just so cute when he does that!

"Th… thank you. Katniss, is it? Well, I think that you're really pretty." WHOA! That's unexpected. No one has ever said that about me. I realize we're still locked together in a hug, bodies touching. The warmth of his body is so soothing and gentle. I breathe in sharply.

"Dammit," he says, "you're the sexiest person I've ever seen!" He pulls me even closer, until our lips are touching, and he kisses me. And it's the best kiss ever. So I kiss him back greedily, and we are both in agreeance. He touches me, and it's the best thing ever. Is this real? I can't believe it, this boy is like a dream, how could he be sent to his death in this cruel game? Well, here goes nothing. If we're going to die we may as well have some fun before being sent to our deaths.

"Katniss," he says, groaning, breathing in and out deeply. We haven't even begun and he's hyperventilating. "I think that—

And with that, I wake up. DAMN IT YOU LOUSY WHOMEVER YOU ARE! It was all just a dream. Oh well, I think I will remember that dream for a long time. Because it was actually pretty epic. Wait a minute – I must have forgotten to say what happened before my dream!

So I was walking through the woods and decided to sleep in a tree. End of story. So let the story of the here and now go on.

Well, I had better get over the dream, so I wake up. Thankfully I was able to get all those supplies at the Cornucopia, so I'm pretty well-stocked. I have a bow and a few quivers of arrows, a lot of num num food, some cool Pinkulwhoppers and a whole lot of FOOJIGORAMIAKILZAXBY! OK, I guess that I still am a bit on the crazy side, but I'm down with some real, like me and mah homies. Not really, since that sounds really awkward coming from me, a complete vanilla Oreo cookie.

WHOA there, I now see a boy sitting over somewhere, and I think that he is another competitor in the 74th Annual Hunger Games! Unless he is a creep who somehow infiltrated into the arena with a magical laser beam. No, wait, the guy didn't infiltrate into the arena – because it's a girl! Wow, maybe this is the big plot twist previously mentioned about 2457 words ago in the title! But no, it's hardly a shocker; something stupid like this was bound to happen. Now that I think about it a little bit more, I don't know if many plot twists still exist in the present world. There have been so many shocking endings, interesting plots, and mixed up blughs, that it might just be impossible to come up with a surprisingly shocking and horrifically strange plot twist for this chapter!

I'll get back to my rantish thing in a moment, because I see another person sneaking up on the girl, who is in fact a midget. I think she's, like, 3 foot 3 inches or something like that. It was actually strange (so my stylists said) to see a guy tribute for district 8, but no girl tribute. I will go into epic narrative mode. One reserved for the great stories like THE HUNGER GAMES and such, toodly doodly boo.

The girl snuck up on the guy and stabbed him in the back. Literally, not figuratively. Although it could have possible been figuratively, depending on the circumstances. The girl screams in slow motion, runs into the forest, and a cannon shot sounds.

OK, interesting event. My epic narrativeness is still full force, so beware of my sweeping power with magical words! BAZINGA!

That about pretty much sums it up. And maybe I should explain a bit about the cannon sound my epic self heard. You see, when someone dies they set off a cannon, which kills another person, and so on and so forth. Actually, that only happened once, and it was a "malfunction" (everyone knew that Mister Prez did it). It's just a sound, and then at night there's a huge image that projects onto the clouds showing the dead Tributes in their underwear. One major reason I want to win. I mean, do _you_ want the other Tributes to see you in your underwear? Big no.

Wait a minute, I think that this chapter is long-winded enough, I should wrap it up. But I still don't understand how the supposed Biggest Plot Twist ever has occurred… it just doesn't make sense! Let me analyze what has happened since my last rant. Em… the boy was backstabbed. Nope, absolutely no plot twist there. So what was the biggest plot twist?

I AM GOING TO DO A HUGE FACEPALM BECAUSE I NOW GET IT AND BECAUSE IT FEELS COOL TO SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE WHEN YOU ARE KATNISS EVERDEEN! It is quite obvious now. There was never going to be a plot twist like I actually turn out to be a boy, or Peeta is actually in love with a pinecone. All of that is too ordinary. But what would be a really good thickener upper of the plotter? What is the thing that no one in the world except for Nathan Labonté would expect?

No plot twist!

But wait a minute – if no plot twist actually _is_ a plot twist, then that creates a paradox! You see, the biggest plot twist is there is no plot twist. But, there no being a plot twist _is _a plot twist! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!

And dollars, if you catch my drift.

(To make it 3000)

**This chapter was exactly 3000 word with those last four words, just throwing that out there. I didn't follow my promise to make this chapter twice as long as the previous one. but, then again, no one at all reviewed. Probably no one read either, but that's OK. Not actually. READ MUCH REVIEW OFTEN FOOLS! No, not you readers - the other fools. Next chapter won't be quite as long, and will hopefully be quicker and wittier. My current humour is long-drawn and dry, while I hope to introduce something that keeps one laughing. Anyway. It will also be shorter. So, stay tuned!**


	13. Chapter 13: There and Back Again

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Sorry to say, my extremely dear and wonderful readers (if I even have any), but I lied last time. I said that I would make this chapter shorter! But, alas, it is my curse to go big all the time. And I don't know if it's more punny than the previous chapter. At least some plot things happen! And yes, I know, I am so nerdy: I put in the Lord of the Rings references :D In fact, a whole section is dedicated to it. And I also implant some cultural references so... just keep reading!**

**Chapter 13: There and Back Again**

It is nighttime. Nighttime is not a word. But night time is. Actually, it is two words. I surprise myself with my intelligence sometimes. So it's night time, and it's time to see who dyed today. I am so excited because when people dye, they turn different colours. In the sky, they show what colour their face turned before they died. I really hope that Peeta's poop brown is in the sky, although the last time I saw that colour I pooped my pants. His bakery sells a special brand of bread that is that certain colour to help with indigestion and build-up of fecal matter. That's right, FECAL MATTER.

Cannon shots haven't rung much for a while, but it's night time now. If I do some epic mental math, I think that there are 13 people who are dead. That does not include my dead spirit. LOLOLOLO I think I'm tired, Mommy told me that if I don't go to bed at a reasonable hour I would start acting like this. I'd better get some sleep.

BUHHHH BUHHHH BUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh no, it's the Panem National Anthem. They were so NOT creative that to get it, all they did was record people dying in the first Hunger Games. All the Tributes died from constipation.

After the Hymn – if you can call it that – a voice comes over the loud speaker. It's Seneca Crane. Boy, he is one of the most annoying people in this whole novel. His voice is really nasally, like if you were to mix the Joker with Hitler. And no, I'm not being racist. The German language is in fact quite nasally. How do I know? I don't.

"Good evening boys, girls, Tributes of all ages. By now, after observation of the Cornucopia and its many items, this year's theme is 'Circus'! No, not Spears Woman Circus, that was last year. The duh duh duh duh-duh duh-duh duh duh duhhh duh duh duh etc. type of Circus." Oh Ford, not again. They try to make themes for the Games every year, and last year every day there were Brittney Spears Mutts. Not good.

"For tomorrow's entertainment there will be a 9 o'clock movie in the lounge, followed by some refreshments at the Cornucopia. It'll be a Potluck, so bring your own desserts. And while we're at it, why not look at all the people who died today!"

In the sky, pictures flash of people in their underwear. There's one person from District 9 who forgot to wear underwear to the photoshoot... they really need to work on their fuzzed-out pictures, because I think I hear a scream coming from somewhere in the woods. And then a choke as the person dies. Their picture flashes on the screen. Another person flashing me and the rest of Panem. They should get a censor – but, with Prezzy Snow as the one censoring, you can't expect anything other than... mahogany. That effin' Trinket!

Well, it's night time, so I will go to sleep. God night.

Wait, this line feels familiar. Oh, right, chapter 9 before I say I hate my life. Well, I am happy to say I don't hate my life!

I despise it.

I am so cliché.

SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP...

No, Spell Check, I would absolutely NOT like to delete repeated words.

Well, it's morning time. I would sing a lovely tune by Edvard Greig, but I can't sing through pages. I wish I could, because then i would sing this song I wrote last night while raging about Spell Check. It goes a bit like this:

My name is Katniss

And I like pie.

Peeta does not make

Very good pie.

If I don't live

Then I will die.

But I am Katniss

So I'll eat pie!

Isn't that the most emotionally stimulating song ever? It makes me cry. Mostly because it's so bad.

Well, now that it's morning I'm going to take stock of my inventory. I think I pulled in the mother load at the Cornucopia, but sometimes they stuff the (clearly) neon orange backpacks (not movie lover's colour version) with fake plastic hammers and plush bows, so I need to make sure I have some good loot – WOOT! And also, sometimes they put poison in the food. But I don't care about that. Ooh, there is a whole lot of food here, enough to feed District 12 for at least a decade. No wonder it took me so long to lug this whole thing around. Also, I have a bow and twenty quivers of 100 arrows, seventeen different swords, a sniper rifle, a machine gun, and a bazooka. Thor's hammer is in here, but I don't want to anger the Demi-god so I'll just throw that at the first person I see. Hopefully it's Peeta. All in all, I'd say I'm stoked.

Oh snap, I see a bunch of short and stubby muttations walking toward me. If you don't know what a muttation is, get the puck out of here (and into the net). Wait a minute, they're not muttations; they're the Careers. What's really strange is that everyone from Districts 1, 2, 3, and 4 are dwarves. OK, they aren't dwarves, but they resemble them strongly. What's even stranger is that District 3 is the Technology District – and they're not Careers. I wonder why that boy is with them. Wait a second… is that Gandalf? If bread is as magical as magic mushrooms, Peeta is Gandalf. But even so, it's too hard (that's what she said) not make fun of them.

"Hey – is that the Company of the Ring? Nah, too short. Maybe the Council of Rich and Stupid Short-Pants." Not the best of things I can say, but they suddenly notice me in the tree. I didn't actually want them to see me, I just wanted to be like an omniscient narrator who is unseen by the characters, no matter how much they are killed, maimed, and generally hurt. I guess now it's time to play the music… it's time to light the lights…

"IT'S TIME TO MEET THE MUPPETS ON THE MUPPET SHOW TONIGHT!" I don't know from whence that came. But I yelled it, so I hope that it made someone feel really inferior to me. That would be really exciting, since… well, you know. Actually, you know what? I am going to the shut the front door.

"Hey, look, it's a random person in a tree! Since we are mindless robotic being sent from the Capitol, let us go and see if there is a simple way to murder this person – or at least maim or generally hurt them. I hope it's not the narrator, though." Let's see… that's one of the genderless people from District 1. Let me name all of them.

District 1: Fili, Kili

District 2: Oin, Gloin (no perverted lector, not groin)

District 3: Frodo

District 4: Bifur, Bofur

Bifur and Bofur are really fat, I think they have to be the fattest people in the world. Literally, they are slithering across the ground. Actually, not even slithering, more like… blobbing. And if you do something for which there is no word, then you are a legend. They are legendary for being the fattest Tributes ever.

"Where are you going, Isengard?" I say smugly.

"Actually," says the stupid loner from the Third District, "Merry and Pippin were the hobbits who were being taken to Isengard bys the Urak-Hai. You, my dear sir, should read the novels."

"Aw hell no, RUDE!" And this time I do that Bon Qui Qui thing, sticking up my index finger straight in the air with a hint of 'I'm better than yo mama attitude.' "You, stupid idiot excuse for a hobbit. You probably don't even know that you aren't supposed to be on this special Adventure. You aren't even born yet! In fact, I bet you're adopted by Bilbo."

Frodo's eyes tear up (as in he's crying, not he's going epic blind), but he recomposes himself. It's a bit awkward to watch someone rapidly scrawl down marks on a 5-lined piece of paper as they wave a sword around in the air like a conductor. Not a conductor of heat or a train conductor, Reader PLEASE! I'm talking about a MUSIC CONDUCTOR! Don't worry, sometime I derp too. Like, at least ten times a chapter depending on the length. If this one continues at this pace, it might even be nine.

"DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS?" yells Peet aka Gandalf at the base of the tree. He waves his baguette in the air (probably baked it in his figurative oven) and runs – straight into the tree. Dazed, he pukes up a whole loaf of stale Pita bread. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that."

I know how to troll them good now. I yell: "THERE ARE TROLLS!" Instantly they all take out their Mac computers (because they're rich suckers) and check their Facebook accounts. THE FOOLS! They obviously haven't read the book.

"Frodo, why are you so silent? Sauron got your ring?" I think it's Oin that laughs, as Frodo suddenly yelps. Fili and Kili shake their heads and pull huge battleaxes. I think it's time to get down to business.

"I don't care whether you are an extra-terrestrial song sent from katy Perry to terrorize the world, or whether you are a fly sitting on a wall, or a Bilbo Baggins dying from lack of adventure, or if you're just a piece of magical lima bean. Well, I know you aren't magical. But we are going to kill you."

And suddenly I realize that I am the narrator so I can briefly manipulate the story. How about… right, that sounds good. It's like I'm a Divergent released into a Simulation World!

"Oin, Gloin (not Groin), Fili, Kili, Bifur, Bofur, Frodo… I am sorry but this tree is a lot higher than any of you can reach. Furthermore, I confiscated all your weapons so what you're left with is a moldy biscuit. To add to that, you are going to argue endlessly about how to kill me. Go ahead; I'm waiting!"

They stand there for a second, stunned. An then they start arguing, using nasty words I wouldn't let even Buttercup hear. And I hate Buttercup. So that proves something. I think. And eventually it's nightfall, and they all suddenly drop, asleep, on the ground. Good, because I need some sleep. I'm about to settle down (after brushing, of course!), and then I look in the Evergreen tree beside me. Is it a… wow, this is a really strange situation. There is a Kangaroo sitting in the tree beside me! "AHH!" I scream, until I realize it's just Rue.

"Shut the Effin' Trinket up Stupid NISS! I want to freakily murder you!" I don't know how someone can murder you freakily… but then again, I do not want to find out. "Look up above you, there is a tracker jacker nest. If you want to live, you'd better throw it down on those Effin' Trinket people down there, you Effin' Trinket!" Apparently this girl likes swearing a lot. Pardon me, this _kangaroo_. This is really awkward, trying to talk to a loud-mouth kangaroo whose name is really strange. It's almost as bad as trying to get the answer to a simple math question out of Haymitch. ("Haymitch, what's one plus one?" "I don't Effin' Trinket care, GIVE ME AN EFFIN' TRINKET BEER!")

So, I decide I should do as she says. Maybe she won't kill me. If we are in an alliance, that is. So I go to sleep for the second time in one chapter. This doesn't make sense at all, but still, it's nighttime.

It's morning.

I would sing a lovely tune by Edvard Greig, but I can't sing through pages. I wish I could, because then i would sing this song I wrote last night while raging about Spell Check. It goes a bit like this:

My name is Katniss

And I like pie.

Peeta does not make

Very good pie.

If I don't live

Then I will die.

But I am Katniss

So I'll eat pie!

Isn't that the most emotionally stimulating song ever? It makes me cry. Mostly because it's so bad.

WAIT A SECOND THIS IS DÉJÀ VU I WILL NOT GET STUCK IN THE PAST LIKE A STUPID INCEPTION MOMENT I WILL GET UP AND MURDER SOME DWARVES! The people at the base of the tree are waking.

"Hey sleepy sleepy dwarves, get a load of ma TRACKA JACKASS! I mean, Jacka, not Jackass… WHATEVER!" So I throw down the nest of tracker jackers. And they all scream and run away. And then I hear a piercing scream. YAY THEY ARE RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE TRACKA JACKAS ARE CHASING THEM! Oh no, Rue died! YAY RUE DIED! NOW I AM A LONER AND OH NO THERE IS A FIRE I AM GOING TO RUN AWAY NOW!

How about we enter a trippy dream segment? Oh goody, that will be a lot of fun! Let's get burned as the dwarves set out on a marvelous journey.

Wait a trippy journey?

* * *

><p><strong>It appears (at least to me, especially since I am making this story) that Katniss is about to have a trippy narrative sequence. Sorry to all you heart-felt people who don't like it when the plot is changed, but this is a PARODY! So deal with it. This next chapter will take some more time to write to make it pitch-better (not perfect), so I hope it will be shorter. Anyway, toodle-oo! READ MUCH REVIEW OFTEN BYE!<strong>


	14. Chapter 14: Trippy Dream Sequence

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Ok, so here we are pretty much half a year later. If anyone is even reading this anymore (not that anyone ever has), than I am sorry for the wait. I know what it's like to wait anxiously for the next season of Community or something like that. AND IT IS TORTURE!**

**A. Not comparing myself to Community - much funnier than me;**

**B. I actually DO mention Community in here near the end;**

**C. I don't own anything contained in this chapter, except maybe the deer that Bella eats before... you'll see;**

**D. ENJOY!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14: Trippy Dream Sequence<strong>

This is the tale of Captain Jack Sparrow.

I am standing on a ship, I am waiting for the train that will take me far away… I don't know where, but I hope it takes me far away. From Peeta, from Buttercup, from the Hunger Games. Wait – how can it not matter where the train will take me?

Oh, wait, that's Inception. You know, sort of cool story, Disney let Nolan do Inception as a gift because of the Dark Knight success, so he just did that and was like 'Oh, I'm cool so I'm going to make a trippy movie while I drink tea and talk Britishly, and the movie will be about dreams because I DREAMED A DREAM IN TIME GONE BY! WHEN HOPE WAS HIGH AND LIFE WORTH LIVING. I DREAMED THAT LOVE WOULD NEVER DIE! I DREAMED THAT GOD WOULD BE FORGIVING!

Ok, hold on a second… I started off with Pirates of the Caribbean, went onto a messed-up Inception quotation, which continued with a cool Inception fact, and concluded with a Les Miserables line made sort of famous by Susan Boyle. I guess that the first three paragraphs can indeed be considered trippy. But really, this induced state is sort of cool, because I've never even seen Pirates of the Caribbean… and At World's End is playing right in front of my eyes! Although, you know, it's really confusing if you haven't seen the one before it, what's it called… No, not the Aviator, I think that was a DiCaprio movie. Was it? You know I'm getting really confused… Oh, that's right, Dead Man's Chest. I always thought it was kind of disgusting that they were all sort of racing after a heart. You might be wondering how I know this if I haven't seen the movie (Continuity!), but I've read the Wikipedia summary for, like, all the Jerry Bruckheimer movies.

You know, it's pretty amazing because I just looked on IMDB in this weird state and found that he also did the Amazing Race! I always thought that Phil Keoghan was the force behind that, but I guess all he did was provide a kind-of-sort-of-cute-actually-ugly face for the show. And that odd accent I could never really point out…

This is the story of Katniss Everdeen (yes, my dream is actually continuing now.)

I am walking through a forest. It is misty, and a pretty deer is drinking by the water. Aww, how cute, it's a nice little deer, and it's drinking from a cute little babbling brook, and it's just so peaceful. Wait – is that a sparkle? I see a sparkle. Darn it, I really don't want this to be a stupid Twilight parody. And then—there's a figure that is hurtling through the air, and then the deer is bleeding and there is a stupid Bella person there eating the deer, so I decide to kill her. But before I can kill her, she morphs into Meghan Fox and says in a creepy voice: "I'm going to _eat _you!" Goodness, it's been a while since I've seen Jennifer's Body. Never want to see it again, mind you. I'm more of a Princess Bride person, you see.

"Stop right there! Or I am going to eat you back!" I say to Meghan Fox… but it's Bella again. And really, I can't eat a vampire. They taste like chicken, whatever that tastes is like. No one really even knows…

"You know what?" creepy Bella says to me. "I am going to let you in on something that you'll never forget as long as you live. You'll probably die from seeing this." And suddenly we're in a room and there is Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart… rather, Edward and Bella. And they are—oh gosh, they aren't wearing any clothes. I mean, Ed's fine, but Bella… no, not really. And then they… right. This is something I will never forget. It's SO INTENSE! Phew, I need to get a breather. I walk outside and… THERE'S LAUTNER THE WEIRD WEREWOLF WHO IS NOT WEARING CLOTHES EITHER! At least he's not at it with Bella. Oh, wait, he is… with Bella's DAD! Wow, that's a bit far, wouldn't you say, Jacob?

I was happier watching On Stranger Tides, which is a much more focused but overall less enjoyable Pirates installment. I need to get out of this teenage girl dream world… oh, wait, I am a teenage girl. If I could go with Pattinson I'd be happy, but I can't. Because that would just be soooo disgusting. MOVING ON!

Suddenly, there is Prim. She is such a cutey patootey. Aww, what a smug little cute weird strange girl. I just wrote the first adjectives that jumped into my mind. She is looking at me with those smug little eyes… so cute! URGH but then she throws her bowl of wet cereal at me. That's kind of disgusting because it's Lucky Charms—MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!

You know what? I do not like trippy dream sequences. Because, really, they are just an excuse to do a huge mash-up of a bunch of different pop culture references. I feel kind of like Abed from Community with all of this. TROY AND ABED IN THE MORNING! Oh cool, I'm just realizing that today is October 19th! And if you don't get that reference, then I am ashamed of you and all the obese people your age, because people shouldn't be obese. And if you are obese, than my thoughts and hopes go with you forever.

Okay, I think that I've wasted enough of your time. You know, before writing this I actually watched the first movie of myself. Not to give the next chapter away, but I live and find Peeta and he is sort of alive but I nurse him back to health and attend a pretty rad feast. Okay, we're almost at about 1000 words so I'll wake up. Wake me up, when September ends!

* * *

><p><strong>Well, there we are. A fairly good trippy dream sequence. Better than my trippy LOST dream sequence from my Lord of the RingsAlex RIder crossover I've discontinued. Oh well, I am going to write the next chapter next, so please read. And tell your friends. Because I honestly believe this style of parody is superior to the "song" or "letters" or other things. I am parodying the Hunger Games like I mean it. OK, bye bye! (Read much, REVIEW often!)**


	15. Chapter 15: Kangaroos Lie I Mean Die

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Okay, so I don't have much time because I need to go to bed, which is why this chapter is shorter than I would have liked. In this chapter there are several references, I hope you catch them all. And also, check my Youtube channel (labonath151) because I have a Hunger Games video on Youtube! That's right! It's in French, but the opening and ending is cool. So just watch it and grab someone who knows French. But first read...**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15: Kangaroos Always Lie—I Mean Die<strong>

I wake up from my smoke-induced state of absolutely-minimal-consciousness. Well, at least I had some fun with Robert Pattinson! Well… not _with_ him, as much as close to him. But it was worth it. But enough with my ramblings.

So, now that the fire burned up my body, I am, like, dead. But this parody is kind of like Family Guy, so no matter what happens to me – whether I am eaten by dingoes or slapped silly by a taco – I will regenerate perfectly whole. Well, not everyone regenerates. TAKE THAT BOY WHO WAS EATEN ON THE SEASON 11 SEASON PREMIERE! Wait till you see the Season 12 Premiere, human beings…

Anyway, I'm rambling. I get up and smile like I'm one step ahead of the game. Because I am, really. Like, honestly, I still have enough food to feed half of District 12 for half a year. Which will feed me for maybe two years. I eat a lot, you know? Anyway, BACK TO THE STUPID STORY LEONARDO DICRAPIO!

So, I'm all like 'Whoo, I'm alive!' And then suddenly I remember that I am in fact still burned. Darn, so it isn't that much like Family Guy. Okay. Time to make my appeal to the American – I mean Panem – population.

"I want to thank every American who participated in this election. Whether you voted for the very first time or waited in line for a very long time – by the way, we have to fix that – whether you pounded the pavement or picked up the phone, whether you held an Obama sign or a Romney sign, you made your voice heard and you made a difference."

WAIT! … Wait just a second, something's not right with that speech. But I can't really figure it out… Oh gosh, now I sound like Peter Griffin because I sound stupid. Oh, and now with my British accent I sound like Stewie! No, it's not Stewie, it's… David Tennant? Pardon, just call me the Doctor!

Oh, but that happens later. Although I haven't decided between Eccleston, Tennant, and Smith. Eccleston is really hip and has a cool voice; Tennant is quirky and really cool; and Smith is classy with his bowtie. Yes, it'll be Matt Smith because of his red bowtie. You know, it's hard to find bowties today, never mind back however many years ago. Like, seriously, I wish I lived in the days of the original Mission: Impossible TV series with Steven Hill (Dan Briggs) as opposed to Peter Graves (whatever his stage name was. Like, really, no one cares! Oh, right, Jim Phelps because in the first movie he turned out to be the bad guy and Peter Graves was pissed about that so he left the movie theatre during the movie or something. I started watching the second one once, but the whole thing was just so boring. Although the soundtrack was excellent. You know, you can never really go wrong with Hans Zimmer, unless there's John Williams. Because no matter how much positive critical reception and accolades Zimmer receives, John William's the man. And don't disagree with me, because you cannot beat the likes of Star Wars, E.T., Jurassic Park, Jaws, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, Schindler's List, and Superman. That's right bubby, suck it up like a lollipop.)

After reciting part of Obama's speech, a silver box drops down with a parachute. I never really understood that whole thing until I saw the movie, but that's another story. I open the box slowly because the camera is panning counter-clockwise around me, focusing on the box. Another camera is zooming in on my face. And cut to the box. I open it, and inside is a nuclear device. Cue laugh track.

I'm just kidding, I'm still so funny, ha ha ha. Okay, what really happens is that there's skin burn thing medicine. And that's good because of stuff. Okay, well, I think it's time for me to team up with the cutest Tribute.

But first I will brutally murder a rabbit and eat it raw. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Suddenly I hear a twig snap. GASP! Is it Robert Pattinson? Oh, or maybe Zac Efron! You know, his mother had some interesting thoughts on his first sex scene. Yeah, I saw the interview, it was kind of comic. I bet that Pattinson's mother has already done it with him, so she would be too embarrassed to comment on his scene.

Anyway, it's not a naked Robert Pattinson. It's an ugly Kangaroo. I mean, oh, it's Rue, the prettiest girl at Prom! Okay, I'll admit it, I'm a bad actor. She's actually an ugly BEEP. I'll be the first to put that out there. What's that? Oh. So, so Peeta put that out there first. Dammit Peeta, you are my greatest foe. But we are actually in love. But we actually hate each other. But we are married. You know what, I'm starting to sound like Leslie Knope. And Peeta's the Ben, although I don't think that Peeta has a pretty buttom. Like that? It's a combination of the words butt and bottom.

"PSST, girl who fell in ketchup and also was burning on fire with gasoline and also almost did a boy in her dreams! Come over here!" How does she know about the boy? Wow, it's probably the big gossip everywhere now. I feel kind of like Nancy Drew in Warnings at Waverly Academy, although that squirrel puzzle was kind of pointless. Along with all the 1000 other stupid puzzles.

I answer by yelling my war cry: "EULALIAAAA!" You see, once when I visited Brian Jacques's world of battling mice, hares, and badgers, I visited this 'dope' mountain called Salamandastron, and I learned that battle cry. Jacques is dead, but Redwall lives on forever! But really, read the books.

So we both giggle and jump off, even though Rue is quite literally a Kangaroo, although not the cute A.A. Milne Winnie-the-Pooh type kangaroo. More like the puny, blood-sucking kangaroo. And oh yeah, speaking of continuity, Rue didn't actually die in Chapter 13. So there.

Anyway, a bunch of boring stuff happens. We become all chummy, I cut off one of Rue's fingers, Rue cuts of one of my hairs so I act all surprised and stuff, so we're all good. Like really, she thinks cutting off one of my hairs hurts as much as me cutting off one of her fingers. But all good things must come to an end. And it's night and stuff…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**And my Dad just told me to go to bed.**

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE!**

…so I guess that Rue will die. She'd better, that Effin' Trinket! Okay, enough with that Beep. Time to make up a really cool mission that will ultimately kill Rue and lead me to my lovely Peeta Bread. Anyway, TALLY HO!

* * *

><p><strong>OKAY don't got no time, sorry for poor grammar, read much review often, NEW CHAPTER COMING SOON AND FUTURE CHAPTERS WILL INCLUDE MORE REFERENCES LIKE DOCTOR WHO, 24, BREAKING BAD POTENTIALLY, AND MAYBE SUPER HEROES. I DON'T KNOW YET GOODNIGHT!<strong>


	16. Chapter 16: It's A Trap!

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**So, here it is, Chapter 16. Stuff happens. THe plot moves forward with but a few sidebars, such as the Winnie-the-Pooh story. I kind of like that one. So enjoy it, YEAH!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16: It's a Trap!<strong>

Rue and I are walking through the woods. We are whispering secrets in each others' ears. It is a lot of fun. And it is about to get so much more fun! Because we are going to go on a fun hunting spree. We are going to do something stupid, and potentially deadly, just for fun. You know, it's just another day in the Hunger Games. Like another day in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. That guy was so nice, he, like, had a train that led to a miniature world filled with puppets. I never really understood it either.

"Kantkiss, why did your Pantwiss?" Rue says in a surprisingly sarcastic and overly stupid voice.

"First of all, little baby KangaROOEYWOOEY, people have to stop calling me Kantkiss or The Harvard Whatever Thingy Dingy is going to sue me, beat me, and murder me. And that's only after Bob feeds my toenails to baby bunnies and cuts off my earlobes while I'm listening to a mash-up of Justin Bieber, Kesha, and Miley Cyrus. That in and of itself is true torture. And then Peeta will probably build a time machine to make sure he's not REAPED, so the future will be messed up and I'll be stuck married to Jonathan Malone. Now that is even worse torture. And don't get me started on time travel; that happens next chapter or so."

"Why you stupid Effin' Trinket, I wish you would stop talking about things that NOBODY CARES ABOUT! LIKE REALLY IN CHAPTER THREE YOU MADE REFERENCE TO PETER AND THE WOLF, IN CHAPTER FIVE YOU REDID A LINE FROM THE BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, AND IN CHAPTER TWELVE YOU MADE A PARODY EPISODE OF MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

And it is at that moment – which reminds me of The Dark Knight, inconsequentially – that I decide to do something with Rue. Yup, that's it, we've got to do something about that one. Oh goodness, now I'm sound like Holly Flax from The Office. She was actually one of my least favorite characters from The Office, simply because she was so stupid. All she did was pretty much nothing – except Steve Carell. Oh, burn, that was actually kind of a low blow. But what would have been the lowest blow ever is if Meredith did him. Now that would have been really disgusting. Like remember that episode when Meredith wears a dress that is either too high or too low, like, she pulls it up and she isn't wearing anything there… and she pushes it down and something slips. Like, really, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE! ARRGH!

Anyway, it's time to advance the plot because, really, almost nothing at all has happened in these 15 or so chapters. Let me relay everything that has happened.

I wake up and talk and go hunting; I get REAPED; I go to the Capitol; I train; I get lit on fire; I get mind-REAPED by Cinna; I fall in a bucket of ketchup; I go into the Hunger Games; I learn that Prezzy Snow and Plutarch are gay; I learn that Peeta isn't; I take everything from the Cornucopia and do the Irish jig; I run away and get stung by Tracka Jackas and get burned to death and meet a Kangaroo and make a plan. That's all so far.

So, my plan. I must do something, and so I will.

"Okay, so the Tributes have lots of food," I say. "I thought I was the only narrator in this story, but apparently Marvel is also making a memoir, so he's really messed things up. He stole all my food while I was rambling about something or other a while ago. He was pretty stupid, because he put the food in the pile, got some Tribute junkie whatever guy to reactivate the land mines from the start, and put the mines around the pile. Only the stupid Foxface person has figured out how to get in the middle. Like, not even the Tributes know how to get to the stuff."

"I was too lazy to see if you used proper grammar in that paragraph, but I'll give you an F for eFfort. LOL! Anyway, yeah, cool, so what's the plan boss?"

"Well, you're going to go around and set fire to things so that people are distracted. And just so that no one believes that the fire is real, we'll put up, you know, two other fires. Just in case. And while that's going on, I'll go and get rid of da stuff, mon."

"Really Catsniff? That's a stupid plan."

"I know, right?"

"Let's do le!"

So we set off to accomplish our mission. My number one piece of advice for Rue? 'Be sure to set the fire near other people.' I really want that Kangaroo to die because if she lives, than Winnie the Pooh might come into the arena. Oh, man, I forgot to think this through; if I kill Rue, then Winnie the Pooh, Rabbit, Eeyore, and Piglet will come after me with various weapons of mass destruction with the single goal of murdering me brutally and mercilessly! I once saw the Capitol version of Winnie's Magical Play Place…

"Hey, Piglet!"

"Yeah Poo-poo?"

"What the hell Piglet, I told you not to call me that!"

"Oh, I'm sorry Pooh, but you're looking kind of brown these days. Anything ya wanna tell me? Diarrhea? Constipation? Come on, there's gotta be something wrong."

"Piglet, you've crossed me one too many times. I've got a knife hidden in this here honey pot. If you make a single move, I'm going to stab you.

"Oh hello, is anybody home? POO POO POO!"

"What the hell Tigger, I told you it sounds better when you say HOO HOO HOO! WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST ON CALLING ME POO!"

"Well buddy ol' boy, you got yerself a body full of fecal matter, POO POO POO!"

"Oh, stutter stutter, he's right Pooh, you're full of c**p!"

"EVERYBODY, PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"

"What the heck? STUTTER! IT'S RABBIT, AND HE HAS A STICK!"

"PUT DOWN THE STICK, RABBIT! Remember what happened with the scissors?"

"Ho, ho, ho. I'm so glum so I'm going to moan about it and steal the Family Guy line about there being a nail in my rear end."

"OK, everyone calm down! I've got a gun and I just learned how to use it! I wasn't born from my piggy momma's FACE yesterday, was I?"

"No, Piglet. You were born the day before yesterday. I'm going to have some honey now."

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP! IT'S CHRISTOPHER F***ING ROBIN, AND I'VE GOT BOMBS STRAPPED TO MY BODY! ONE MOVE AND THE HUNDRED ACRE WOODS BLOW!"

Let's just say that Christopher Robin moved, and he had to blow everything up because he moved. He was really stupid. Well, that was the Pilot for the show, which was taken off the air after one episode. There wasn't enough violence, swearing, and nudity. Although there was a pretty steamy Rabbit/Owl scene. Everyone thinks Rabbit is a guy, but Rabbit is actually a GIRL! I was shocked too.

So, here we are. Rue is off getting herself killed and I am beside a pile of food and stuff (like from Parks and Recreation) about to blow it up. So, beside me I've got a bunch of rocks. I can either throw a rock at a bomb, or I can shoot a bunch of arrows at a bag of apples and waste time so that nothing can be accomplished, save some suspense. You know what? Let's do the illogical thing and shoot at the bag of apples. You know, I could just chuck a rock and run, but I'm going to do the bow thing. Try and look good for the camera, you know?

So, I just shoot at the bag of apples, suspense happens and stuff, and then the thing explodes. WOAH! I should have thought about running, but I thought I'd stick around for the explosion. Just wanted to be heroic or something. But it was a really stupid decision, because now my brain is ringing. AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO PICK UP! Good thing I've got a really hip-swingin' answering machine! Well… it takes, like a million rings before the machine kicks I, but once it's in, it's in.

So now I can't hear anything, so I am going to go see if Rue is dead yet. I hear a scream somehow – YEAH! Oh, wait a minute, I'm jumping ahead to the real end of Chapter 17. Let's summarize: the Tributes come back, Boy from 3 gets neck snapped, Tributes go all caveman style.

OPPA CAVEMAN STYLE!

HOO!

HOO!

HOO!

HOO!

HOO!

OPPA CAVEMAN STYLE!

And stuff happens, yeah, I only lost hearing in one ear, and I go after Rue who is not at our appointed meeting spot.

Oh, look someone, just speared her. GOODY! I'll just shoot the guy who speared her.

Well, she's dealt with. I'm so glad that she is dead. I can finally go and meet Peeta. Okay. The chapter is going to end now!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**I was told to go to bed again, so… Yes.**

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I had better run away before I get killed by a flying squirrel, on a completely unrelated note.

Jello!

* * *

><p><strong>So, there it is. I gotta go to bed again. But soon time travel will be discussed. Another prevalent Family Guy subject. Guess what show I've sort of seen a bit of in the past little while, wink wink. Okay. I'm done.<strong>


	17. Chapter 17: Rue is Dead But Puns Live On

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**AO! It's been a while, but I've taken up several new activities since I last put up a new chapter of this delightful parody of the best-selling Suzanne Collins novel, "The Hunger Games"! It's the story of a jolly elf who frolics in the forest and-pardon me, wrong story. This is a more woeful story. I suggest you put this book down immediately and go read a book about the water cycle. And if you get that reference, you are virtually applauded. I'll tell you others at the end, so that you can go start reading that series. And by the way, I am still messed in the head.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17: Rue is Dead but Puns Live On<strong>

Rue is dead, and I can hardly believe it! It seemed to only be approximately 10 seconds since she was last alive! What will I do without her? HOW WILL I CARRY ON? Oh, sorry, once again Mr. Caps Lock strikes again. Rather, I struck the caps lock button. Did you notice that? No? Alright then, I'll carry on with the narrative.

Rue died, if you forget the tragic ending of the previous chapter. It was entitled "It's a Trap!" and in that particular part of the story, Rue died. If you've forgotten that Rue died by paragraph 2, you also have mental problems because I referenced Rue's death and such and such in the first paragraph. By forgetting about Rue's death by the second paragraph, when you have read about it in the first paragraph, you are mentally problemed. Is problemed a word? I don't know, let me look in my pocket dictionary which, incidentally, contains a potion which brings people back to life. Wait a minute…

I take the potion that magically restores life and decide that it will be really useful in this particular situation. I take the vial, walk over to Rue… OHHHHHHHHH my schnitzel truck, this is the most suspenseful moment since that Effin' Trinket pretended to sneeze and… ATCHOO! Pardon me for writing that down, but I thought it would help cut the tension. With a butter knife. A particularly sharp one, that is. Because, you know, butter knives are dull, although not so much as dinner parties, wolf babies, and A Series of Unfortunate Events. Wait a minute, WHATT! How could "A Series of Unfortunate Events" be dull? I am sorry, I just insulted myself, Daniel Handler, and the poor Beaudelaire orphans. Wait a minute… I sniff Olaf!

A moment of silence for the poor children…

Just kidding. Back to the narrative, kind of like back to the future. Pardon me, let me capitalize upon this situation [PUN #1] to rewrite: Back to the Future! Anywho, Back to the Narrative!

I take the vial, which will grant life to one dead, and put it to Rue's lips…

Then I smack her face, laugh, and drink the bloody potion. Not bloody as in the British profanity; rather bloody as in "full of life-giving substance". I try to swallow the thing but it is just so… gaggy! Pardon me, let me check to see if "gaggy" is in the dictionary… No, turns out it isn't! Well then! You really do learn something every day. Oh right, I was gagging. So I throw up the potion on the ground and suddenly I'm in the middle of a bunch of tall flowers and roses and pretty, pretty little num nums! By num nums, I mean "beautiful flowers that I will now use to decorate Rue's body as an act of rebellion against Panem". Wait a minute… did I just say that I would rebel against the Capitol? No, come on, I would never do that! I'm good ol' Katniss Everdeen who love Panem and just wants to entertain the people of the Capitol by dying!

I'm just kidding. Oh, how droll am I. Very thank you. Wait a minute, wait just a minute… did I really just ask myself a question and then answer it? Wow, that's fairly remarkable! So where was I? Oh, yes. So I uproot a bunch of flowers and put them around Rue's bod so that people will be like "Oh, it's Katniss Everdeen the girl quite literally on fire, as well as Katniss Everdeen the girl who plays with flowers and is a dog whisperer! So I put the flowers around Rue and then slap her in the face. That serves her, trying to steal my thunder! I bet nobody liked her anyway.

My suspicions are confirmed as, upon my fifty-second slap to Rue's face, some District 11's special type of bread falls from the sky and land's smack-dab on Rue's face. The flab jiggles a bit, and I snatch the bread. Clearly, this is like the three hand smooch smooch that means thank you, goodbye, admiration. Who am I kidding? In this case, it means "thank you for getting rid of that poor excuse for a human being who was more bean than being"! So that's that, I take the bread. I try to bite it, but it turns out to be just a gluey thing that is hard and I can't eat it. They must have actually loved Rue…

And suddenly I start crying.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

No, not the author as in Katniss Everdeen, Bob, that author as in… Oh, pardon me, I didn't see you there. You may have noticed that Katniss Everdeen is a very angry character, and she hated Rue for some _small_ [PUN #2] reason. Oh my, that makes me chuckle, HA HA HA!

*Is slapped*

Ahem, sorry Bob. As I was saying before… anyway, I was saying that Katniss hated Rue, well, then she felt kind of remorseful. I warn you though, this tale is rather unpleasant, and best left for early in the morning so that no one will be awake to see your tears from weeping at the dreadful and terrible events of this narrative. Please do not read this at night, as I did, otherwise you will spend the night in tears and sorrow, most likely either wanting to or actually ripping your hair out at the infortune of the characters of this story.

But anyhoo, I'll stop talking so that you can get back to the exciting, suspenseful, and wonderful narrative.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried over Rue's death over Rue's death over Rue's death over Rue's… wait a minute.

As I was walk through the forest, slightly discombobulated (thank you Hans Zimmer), but still able to stand upon my own two feet, a voice booms over the loudspeakers.

"Attention! I would…"

The voice is cut off by the overly-loud Panem Anthem playing. In the background, I can hear faint sounds. It sounds like there's some yelling involved… there's a second voice now yelling back. Now then, what's that? Oh my, it sounds like someone's been hit! The anthem fades suddenly and a little "ahem" is heard. And then my good (not really good, just in a colloquial way) friend Claudius Templesmith starts to talk over the loudspeaker. I guess I haven't mentioned him before… wow, I am a generally stupid cakesniffer. STOP SNIFFING CAKES! Anywho, Claudius is the announcer guy. Not that anybody cares about him. He was once voted "Panem's most overrated person".

"Attention all ya dogies, little honey boo boos of the Hunger Games! Boy, I could eat some of that!" He takes a moment to make a strange growling sound. There is a small lamb bleat and scream. I gasp. Would this really happen? A lamb dying? NOW? It's one thing to happen on a television show renowned for violence and unpleasant occurrences, but to occur in a novel for young children? The idea is unbearable! WHERE ARE THE CENSORS? Pardon me, I sneezed.

"John Jon, what are you doing with the sound effects board? The poor participants of the Hunger Games are already in a world of hurt…" – a term used in this instance as 'in a situation in which they must fight to the death or be killed – "…and the sound effect of a lamb dying is probably upsetting their dinner! And what of the censors? WHAT ABOUT BOB?!"

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Bob, the editor, does not condone the killing of sheep, although he does condone a number of things including, but not limited to dinner parties, horseradish, and a particular sugar bowl…

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Wow, what an idiot author! Oh wait I is the author… Any who dee do deed um, um, where was I? Oh right, Claudius was talking.

"Anyhow, such and such, blah blah blah and oh yes, we have a special announcement! Get ready people, foreshadowing! It's very important, particularly if you take English class, which you will have to for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE until University or College or the workplace, because you are expected to know literary devices, phonetics, and the themes contained in such works as Macbeth, To Kill a Mockingbird, and the Hunger Games. Oh, wait a moment…"

Claudius realizes that he has unintentionally made a meta joke about the Hunger Games, because that is the book that is currently being created. It's a bit of a paradox, but then again, this book will be published after the events of this book, so it doesn't matter because you will be studying my book for themes. Not that there are any. Study _that_ sentence! [SORT OF PUN #3]

"Anyhow, such and such, blah blah blah and oh yes! We have a special announcement! And no, no foreshadowing. So, because there are only six people left, and because the Capitol is just lapping up the fake romance thing, there is a new rule that says that if both you and your District-Mate are still alive and all that jazz, then you two can come together to rule the galaxies on the Dark Side. Wait a minute… sorry, that was just my voice-over for the trailer to Star Wars Episode XXVIII. Just saying, Harrison Ford is the legend. I mean, it's been about 150 years since episode VII and he's _still_ doing the movies! WOW! Inconceivable!"

It is inconceivable that he is still talking [DESPERATE PUN #4], seeing as this announcement is very boring. I think it's _boring_ a hole in my head! [I'LL TAKE THAT PUN #5] Wait just a minute…

"Is Peeta still alive? I'm a bit disoriented and hungry because I'm in the Hunger Games! I mean, in the movie, there was food abundant, but no, that's not how it really happens in real life… how do I know that the movie exists when this hasn't even happened yet?"

"OK Katty Kat Katniss, the stupidest human being on Earth. Peeta is alive. Go doggie! Fetch the bone!"

I've got to pick a bone with him… [IS THAT A CORRECT PUN #6?] Well, I might as well follow the instructions to give the Capitol a show.

JOLLY GOOD SHOW! (British accent, anyone? Yes please.)

* * *

><p><strong>Jolly good chapter wasn't it? Other than all the puns, this was a pretty <em>pun<em>ny chapter, am I right? OK, I'll stop. As a reward for reading the chapter, here's the reference I included into a part or two of the chapter: A Series of Unfortunate Events. MY CURRENT FAVOURITE NOVEL SERIES! It contains lots of fun literary lessons and other wonderful sidebars, and it is the best. Almost quite literally.**  
><span>

**Well, I am writing these in my French Immersion Business class because I have a lot of spare time, so expect some more from me. I'm also creating a sitcom! YAY! It's going to be mockumentary format, like The Office or Parks and Recreation, and it'll have lots of the meta elements of Community. It also contains several movie and television references in each episode, because that's just how my brain works. If I can get enough support, (OGADEBOGADE IF YOU SKIPPED THE FIRST PARAGRAPH READ THIS)... If I can get enough support, I will upload a preview of the script to the last safe place. Until then... TALLEY HO!**


	18. Chapter 18: WOAH! NARRATIVE!

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**I actually have a lot of narrative focus in this chapter and, seeing as I wish to create Catching Fire: A Parody of Catching Fire, I wish to introduce the love triangle bit. The beginning is good ol' messed in the head my style type thing, and the ending is a bit more... racy, without crossing borders. Katniss and Peeta, cuddling in a blanket. C-U-D-D-L-I-N...G! A bit of cable TV reference to plot twists... yeah, nothing too funny in this chapter, but a whole lot more funny to come. Remember to read much, review often!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 18: WOAH! NARRATIVE!<strong>

I suppose, seeing as things have taken a turn for the obvious plot twist, I should do something. As the famous philosopher once said, "Get busy living or get busy dying." Wait a minute… that's not a philosopher, although it is a fairly philosophical character, film, and overall concept. Did you know that the end of the Shawshank Redemption is considered a plot twist? Whoda woulda thunk! But it was narrated by Morgan Freeman, thereby rendering it a fantastic film. GOOD SHOW!

I feel like going back to the chapter about the biggest plot twist ever, because I might die, and in that particular chapter I was at least attentive because I thought I would die. What's a better plot twist than killing off a main character? The people who made The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and Downton Abbey are experts on that type of thing. I mean why George R.R. Martin? Why did Neddard Stark have to die? But there is a fairly _stark_ contrast between all those shows [ARE WE REALLY STILL COUNTING PUN #WHATEVER?]. Boo me.

So I decide to follow Claudius Templesmith's instructions and try to find Peeta. And suddenly I realize that I have completely left the reader out in the proverbial cold about me not having very much earing in my hear. I mean, hearing in my ear. Wow, I'm just schlamazelling everything! So that's why I don't hear the wildfire starting. I turn around and there's a little campfire with marshmallows and graham crackers and chocolate and all that jazz there. WHOO! I decide to walk away and not eat it, rendering this either a lost thread, a stupid plot point, or foreshadowing… it's the second one, in case you were wondering.

I decide that Peeta would first need to go toward water, because when the Tracka jackas came down to play, Peeta told me to run away because I was feeling woozy, but Cato came up and hit his leg with a sword, but they were all woozy and drunk too so he must have thought he was going toward a river of alcohol. I'm drunk too, incidentally.

I go toward the stream and decide to wade in it so that if any beasties of the southern civilized (hee hee) decide to try and murder me, they will suddenly stop and think: Wait, the scent has conveniently disappeared right beside the river! OH NO! I CAN'T TRACE HER ANYMORE! And then he would throw himself into the river out of grief and despair...

Well, so I'm walking beside the river now, and suddenly I hear a garbled sound: "MFDSHJ!" I stop to think about what could have made that sound... a fox? A dusty muskrat? A certain fungus with deadly properties... I decide to investigate, but first, I do a cool, hip little tap dance and accentuate my stomps. The sound is made again: "MFSSHJ!" OK, it's got to be a human because that's not the sound of a fox. I step of the miniature hill and...

"Get off me you idiot!" a voice cries at me. It's Peeta! I thought he could have died! Boy am I grateful to see him! Well, actually, not really because I think I tried to kill him earlier on in the narrative...

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Somewhere around Chapter 16 or 17, all indications of thoughtful continuity sank into the murky depths of silliness and humour, if that's what you wish to call it. OK, what I really mean is that there is absolutely no continuity anymore because it's been so long since I first started this. But, that makes it all the more fun! On we go.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Who is this author guy? I thought _I_ was writing this narrative. Anyway... where was I? Oh right, Peeta. is face is caked in mud, grass, and other various natural disguises. His voice is dry, but not as in "Oh, that was a terrible pun" dry, but as in "If I don't get water within the hour I think I'll die" dry. I'm a poet! Yayserz!

"Katniss, don't attend to me, win the Hunger Games so that you can live a life of luxury filled with appliances and products from The Capitol Store - Show Till You Drop!"

"Peeta," I say, breaking up the quotation unnecessarily, "I hate The Capitol Store, they have such a horrid colour scheme for their products. And besides, Claudius Templesmith said that if both people from one single District are left at the end, they'll both win! And we're both alive, right? Or are you a ghost? AHHH!"

"Katniss, stop being an infant! You really think that we'll both win? It's simply a ploy to get the audience interested in our not-so-very-much-developed-in-this-particular-paro dy love story. At the end, they'll probably announce that only one can win, and then we'll have to kill one of us! It just doesn't make sense for you to take care of me like this!"

A beat. Then I say:

"Peeta did you take your meds?" He giggles, then takes his meds.

"I'm just kidding Katty Watty. You're a schlamazelly wazelly! They'll let us both live. NOW TAKE CARE OF ME!" Goodness, why did I ever agree to take care of this fooligan? Get it? It's a mixture of the words fool and hooligan. I am so brilliant!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I doubt you have made the mistake of agreeing with Katniss when she calls herself brilliant but, it you have, then this note is to tell you that she is not that brilliant. She is actually a buffoon. I just didn't want you to get the wrong impression of the idiotic main character, as she tries oh so hard to get the reader to like her. This isn't even what actually happ-

Pardon me, the author has just exited the room on unsuspicious circumstances. Katniss is a lovely girl and, as you read, you will discover that I - I mean, she - is a lovely person.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I start by removing his pants. Yes, it is a disgusting process, and I will try not to go into all the details, but I will say that his trousers were disgusting since he had been lying there for a day or two. The sword cut extended fairly high up his thigh, so I had to remove his underpants. Do you call them underpants or underwear? That is one thing that had confused me for as long as I can remember. I mean really, pants or wear? You wear pants, but you can't pants wear... so I guess it's... oh, whatever.

"Katniss," Peeta says, "That tickles!" He is almost in a state of unconsciousness, and pretty much passed out. Still, it seems that he can be annoying and be aware of what I'm doing at the same time. Oh dearie me, this will be rather uncomfortable. I have to cut his under garments (does that work better?) off because they're sticking to his wound. I feel squeamish. Something about Prim being better at this than I am? I forget, but I think I was about to share some random anecdote that nobody cares about. But still, it is rather awkward to take off all of Peeta's clothes. Oh, right, I forgot to mention that I took off his shirt and shoes and socks to wash him properly. Now he'll be tout nu.

I'm pulling down Peeta's under garments when I stop. I can see hair...

"Katniss..." Peeta says almost gently. "It's alright. I don't care."

"But Peeta, then I'll feel as if I owe you something, because that's one of the themes and social obligations."

"Katniss, just bathe yourself while you bathe me. I won't even remember when I wake up."

I guess that what Peeta says does make some sense. It's been a while since I've bathed, and for some odd reason, I don't want to smell bad near him. Is this foreshadowing? Darn you!

I brace myself, and then pull down Peeta's under garments. I won't go into detail about this experience, but I will just say that I am pleasantly surprised and, now, eager to wash Peeta. I drag him into the river to wash his cut and to bathe him.

"See Katniss, it wasn't that hard," says Peeta.

"Actually, Peeta, it is very hard," I say.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Oh dearie me.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Taking on my end of the somewhat bargain that we have made, I remove all of my clothes as well. I notice that Peeta is staring at me out of the corner of his eye the whole time. When I pull off my last garment, he smiles, almost gawky. Whatever, he won't remember this.

And then I pull out a bar of soap from my orange backpack and we both have a surprisingly pleasant bath time. I have a marvelous time scrubbing down certain parts of him... and then, once the wound is nice and clean, I set all our clothes out to dry and bandage Peeta up. I wrap a towel around my body for the sake of decency, and offer Peeta a towel as well, but I think he's a big show off. Concerning his body of course. I never really noticed it before, but his body is working it! OK, just kidding, he's not necessarily working it, being tired and all from the wound and loss of blood, but he has a fine physique.

We decide to camp in a cave, and I bring our still drying clothes inside as well, to dry off. I put on my under garments, which have dried quite nicely, although Peeta's are wool, so they've got another week or so before being dry. I have a heat-reflecting sleeping bag, so I put Peeta inside of it so that he can sleep.

"Katniss," he say, is a whisper. "Come inside and sleep. You need it." He is still not wearing any clothes. I accept in an instant.

"Remember," he says in a very quiet voice, "We are madly in love." I chuckle a bit, and we curl up together. And I am exhilarated. His flesh against mine is making me quite... quite.

"Tell me a happy story, Katniss," he says.

So I tell him a goat story.

* * *

><p><strong>Next chapter will be Katniss's goat story, plus we will see Foxface's death and the fever and the sleepy syrup. This will be the fourth or fifth last chapter, unless I decide to make it a nice, even 25. And I don't really want to go to far with the exualsé bit, but unless the reader wants me to, it will be quite tame. This is all fun, coming back to my story and working on it! I'm enjoying it quite a bit. How about you? Share this story with all of your friends, and I might do a Divergent version like this. Also stay tuned for Catching Fire: A Parody of Catching Fire!<strong>


	19. Chapter 19: Goat Schmoat

HE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**No preamble; just plain chapter!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 19:Goat Schmoat<strong>

"Once upon a time, in a land beyond the Capitol, there was a goat named Joey Jung Jong." I decide to tell Peeta the fake story made up for the Capitol audience, interspersed with me telling the reader the real story. Hopefully it will confuse and distress everybody that exists on this Earth!

"Was the goat a he he or a she-she?" Peeta asks. He knows how to ply the crowds. He's a, a playa! Wow, that sounds more awkward out loud than I expected.

"It was a she-she goaty goat," I say to Peeta. "Now, don't interrupt, I want to tell you the story before you die, and you might very well since your leg is infected and pus is spilling all out of it or something like that." Peeta smiles stupidly at me, not understanding that I said that he will probably die very soon. Ah, ignorance is bliss. NOT. Read 1984, people.

So, one day I was out hunting in the woods when I nailed something and heard a strange scream. It was a lion! I HAD HIT A LION! When I arrived, the lion was wearing a mask of white paint and was miming a mime. If you've ever tried, you'll understand how difficult it is to mime a mime, as mimes mime other things such as, sometimes, mimes who mime mimes. My my mime, mine mime mine is running out of puns!

"I was at the local market one day when one of the sellers, Greasy Fork Nails…"

"Is her name really that ugly?" Peeta asks. I laugh.

"You bet your trousers and under garments that you aren't wearing, which I am enjoying quite immensely at the moment, that her name was that ugly!" We both laugh. Her real name is Greasy Sushi, but she absolutely loves it when we call her Greasy Fork Nails and laugh at her endlessly. Although, her angry face and laughy face are pretty much the same… But trust me, that is usually the highlight of her day!

I went toward the lion, and mimed a mime miming that they are a mime miming being in a box. The lion roared with immense approval, and then mimed Rowan Atkinson miming Mr. Bean, miming that he is the Queen of England who is miming that she is a secret spy who is miming that he is a member of the Gentlemen's Club of Yorkshire. HOOEY!

"So, I was visiting Greasy Fork Nails when I heard a strange sound… it was the roar of a lion!" Peeta gasps.

"The last time we had a lion in town was the day before the reaping!"

I nod. "Exactly. Except this lion was pretty big and ferocious."

The lion suddenly mimed being a fish miming death, and hopped happily h'into h'the h'river. Pardon the h'alliterations. The lion was under a long time, so I, in a clichéd manner, windered if the lion was alive. There was a camera angle from under the water which showed Little Li Lye struggling under water, then a close up of my face filling with tears, and then the triumphant shot of—

"Me, triumphant! I decided to give that lion a piece of my mind for paying two dollars for a piece of bread instead of two dollars and two cents by giving that fool a slapping worth five times that amount of money. And they all said, in a slightly off-Cockney accent, 'GOOD SHOW MY GOOD CHAP!'" At this point Peeta is wriggling a bit in our little sleeping bag, under the influence of my…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Beware meta humour.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

…extremely funny style of narration.

"Katty Watty, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEEEHEEEHEEE! Continue. Please, Madam."

Me! I jumped into the lake pond whatevermabobber, and decided to save the lion. Except, while I was in the aforementioned body of water, the lion started slashing me! No, not as in a slash fic, because that only comes in the second book. SHOCKING! No, no slash. I mean, yes, slash, he scratched my muzzle to, to borrow the colloquialism that is not so colloquial in this present day and age, Kingdom Come! But alas, the lion died. YAY!

"So, I scratched that Effin' Trinket's muzzle to, to borrow the ancient colloquialism that is not so colloquial anymore, Kingdom Come!" Right now Peeta is positively writhing around in the sleeping bag, making absolutely delightful sounds. I'll not talk about those anymore in this chapter, as they are my business, le wink wink.

"And the lion died, and I got to keep its pelt, which is hanging in my room."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Here at wherever I happen to be, which is none of yo busyness, we do not endorse anything that Katniss says at all. She is stupid. She is an idiot. I mean some on, she likes Peeta which is justification enough to despise her just in the slightest. But, we especially discourage lion hunting, as there are approximately 274 234 lions left in the world. Don't listen to Katniss, because she is an unreliable narrator. Suzanne Collins, on the other hand, is one.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

So, the lion died and I skinned the pelt off savagely, and it's hanging in my room at home now. COOLIO! But then, I heard some bleating, and I realize that the lion was planning on eating the goat for dinner! What a goatish thing to do!

"So Greasy Fork Nails gave me the lion pelt as special something or other, and since she had an almost-dead goat that nobody wanted, she gave me that. I decided that I should give it to Prim," looking at the cameras, "because I am a very good older sister and I love my sister very much and I want to come back to her." The Capitol will like that up like whipped cream off a hunk… of metal, gosh, what's wrong with you? Nothing.

"Did you give Prim the goat, or did you _goat_ to buy her something else?" Peeta laughs very loudly and starts wriggling again.

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Puns, like Balsamic Vinaigrette, movie musicals, and dinner parties, are fine once in a while; but, in excess, they are terrible, and people think less of you because of them. That's why one should pour Balsamic Vinaigrette carefully, own a variety of different genres of films including but not limited to historical epics, gangster/crime fiction, and chick flics, host dinner parties no more than three or four times a year, and, most importantly, only tell puns when it is appropriate to do so.

Sadly, Peeta was a person who poured too much Balsamic Vinaigrette, owned several movie musicals (but had never seen The Godfather, the Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, or Casablance), hosted dinner parties once or twice a month, and, most disgustingly enough, made puns very often, in the most inappropriate of circumstances.

This was one such circumstance.

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

Puns, like Balsamic Vinaigrette, movie musicals, and dinner parties, are fine once in a while; but, in excess, they are terrible, and people think less of you because of them. That's why one should pour Balsamic Vinaigrette carefully, own a variety of different genres of films including but not limited to historical epics, gangster/crime fiction, and chick flics, host dinner parties no more than three or four times a year, and, most importantly, only tell puns when it is appropriate to do so.

Sadly, Peeta was a person who poured too much Balsamic Vinaigrette, owned several movie musicals (but had never seen The Godfather, the Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, or Casablance), hosted dinner parties once or twice a month, and, most disgustingly enough, made puns very often, in the most inappropriate of circumstances.

This is one such circumstance.

I am quite angry at Peeta for saying that pun, but then I realize that just a chapter or two ago, I made 5 or so puns when it was the wrong time to do so. And the last movie I saw before going into the Hunger Games was The Sound of Music… AND I HAD TOO MUCH BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE! And besides, his wriggling is quite nice, so I decide to wriggle with him while I tell him – and you – the rest of the story.

I took the goat home and took care of it and now it gives us milk, cheese, and meat once in a while. Its legs grow back you know!

"So, I took the goat to the store and bought a ribbon and gave the goat to Prim, and we were all happy for a time and even Buttercup our maniacal, 'most likely to be homicidal' cat liked the goat."

Wow, that took a lot of effort. And I thought I would kill Foxface in this chapter. Well, at least Peeta is feeling snuggly.

"I love you Katniss." That is shocking coming from his mouth, but it will please the audience, and it helps keep up the ruse.

"I do too," I say. I wonder what Gale will think about me saying that… Oh, wait, it's the middle of the night, he'll be fast asleep! Stupid me, he'll never know. I fall asleep against Peeta, enwrapped in his arms and… yeah.

I wake up in the morning, realizing that the chapter is not over. Of course it's not! I still have a big, big day ahead of me! … I'd rather not.

I decide to wake up Peeta by dumping very cold water on his face. That is when I realize that he has a fever, so I decide that dumping very cold water on his face is an even better idea. I do so, and he doesn't wake up. Oh no, he has a very bad fever! Run, run away! Aaaaah. Just kidding. I am quite humorous, if you haven't noticed by now. Goodness, you're just trying to make me feel bad, go away! I WANT TO EAT A TACO!

Pardon me, back to the narrative. Wow, how many times have I had the necessity of saying "back to the narrative"? It seems that I am a very unfocused and, generally, boring person. What am I saying? Am I rambling? Do I really ramble? I really hope that I don't because, otherwise, people won't buy my novel! Oh darn it, now you know that I make it out of the Hunger Games alive… Back to the narrative.

I go hunting for the rest of the day. When I come back at night, I kiss Peeta. Then Haymitch sends me a pot of soup for no particular reason. I guess that one kiss equals one pot of soup! Bad moth, but does anyone really care? Yes, you do because I've made you emotionally invested. JK, no one is emotionally invested in me. And hey, you author or editor or whomever (notice the whom…) you are, DON'T PUT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR EFFIN' TRINKET NOTES IN HER BECAUSE IT BREAKS UP THE NARRATIVEAND IS UNFOCUSED AND RAMBLES A LOT!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Note the irony. Because Katniss does all those things too. Isn't it funny? HAHAHAHAHAHAH—

*Is slapped*

Sorry Bob.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Good. So it's night and I am really hungry, so I decide to follow Haymitch's math equation. I give Peeta a kiss and, sure enough, a pot of soup falls outside the cave. Another two in a row, and something bigger has fallen! I coax Peeta awake and he kisses me back quite a lot, very deep and so on and so forth, and another even bigger thing falls. Sweet! Why didn't I think about trying this in the first place? I give him a little rub and a pat back there, and he does the same, and then there's a huge clunk outside. Okay, that's enough, no need to get too weird. Peeta relapses back into his fever. I decide that, after I change his wound bandage thingamajig or however you spell it, I'll let him sleep in the heat-reflecting sleeping bag to break the fever. But, of course, first I feed him some soup and decide to check the other large packages in the next paragraph.

Haymitch has kindly given us a small feast and a refrigerator that runs on magic friendship power. Yay! I put all the perishable goods in the fridge so that we can indulge in some yummy later. No, not that. Goodness gracious.

The next day, Peeta's fever has broken. But really, how can a fever break? Is it made of glass, or a not extremely strong plastic, or is it just a colloquial way of saying something confusing? Am I saying something confusing? Am I just stalling for time to think of a humorous way to carry on with the narrative? You bet your facial visage, if you so happen to have one!

"Katniss, give me a Kattyback ride…" Peeta says. We're going hunting this morning. I slap him and we head out on our way. He is really loud so I put a muzzle on his facial visage, which he so happens to have. Good! Now he won't talk. But he might eat something poisonous, so I had better keep him in my sighty wighty. Whitey. I mean.

After a while, I hear Peeta chewing on something. Goodness, they're nightlock berries! Those could kill him. I slap his stomach very hard, and it jiggles quite a bit before all the vibrations reach his mouth and he regurgitates the berries. He grimaces.

"It's a good thing I didn't eat those poison berries, because they were disgusting. I will conveniently place these mashed up berries and some other not mashed up berries with our food so that maybe someone will try to steal our food, but be stupid and eat the berries.

Believe it or not, that happens after a while, and Foxface is dead. Finally! It was getting unbearable, with her existing.

Time to go to bed because there will be a feasty weasty soon. YAY!

* * *

><p><strong>More to come later. REVIEW! PLEASE! MAKE THIS STORY POPULAR! Thank you.<strong>


	20. Chapter 20: NOT A CHAPTER

**Chapter 20: NOT A CHAPTER**

**or,**

**OUR UNBEARABLE PROBLEM**

Hello. It may seem strange for a chapter to be entitled what it is, but we here at "Writing Fan Fiction Parodies Whenever Bored" apologize for the blatant idiocy in the mixing up of the sequential events of the Suzanne Collins novel_ The Hunger Games_. We had not eaten all day, and the fumes were being inhaled by our nostrils, through our nostril air, and straight down our tracheai to our lungs, and so on and blah blah blah. It was not meant for the story of Katniss Everdeen, the girl we hope to one day set on fire, to be told out of order. Blame it on poor digestion and so on and so forth if you will, and we hope that this inconvenience will cause no cardiac arrest or slight confusion, the latter being the worst possible thing in the world.

We would also, while at it, like to apologize to everyone who has read the story to date, and to all who happen to be reading this chapter in particular. It was never our hope that anyone read this, seeing as it is a tedious tale, best left for putting young infants to sleep. Do you not agree? Oh, well, you can't agree with something if you aren't reading it, and I would assume that you aren't reading this right now because, if you in fact started to read this chapter, you must be asleep by now.

Anyway, due to circumstances that were altogether, completely in our control, the next chapter will be delayed, and released no later than within the next 5 seconds. If the inconvenience troubles you, then start reading from chapter 1, and you will fall asleep and wake up after the apocalypse, and perhaps then you will be selected to participate in an event such as the one recorded in this… whatever you might want to call it. I and a few of my associates were discussing precisely that the other day, and we decided that it is a parody. I suppose that is self evident…

Here at "writing Fan Fiction Parodies Whenever Bored", we would like to thank no one at all.

We would also like to say sorry to Joel Pennyworth Garth Barrett, who was the recipient of a completed manuscript of the entire story, the ending yet unpublished. Joel, or Joel for short, died immediately upon receiving the manuscript. Our illustrator, George Schmorge Schmschmorge drew a picture of an ugly pig on the front cover which caused slight confusion, the leading cause of non-cardiac arrest deaths in wherever you happen to leave.

Well, that is all from us, whoever we are. We hope that you have not taken this message to heart. We hope you have taken it to brain, and decided to stop reading this… whatever it may be, and do something useful with your time like the pile of English homework that is slowly stacking up on your desk. Speaking of which…

Sincerely,

No one in particular, but definitely somebody, otherwise who wrote this?


	21. Chapter 21: This is Actually Chapter 20

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**It has been a little while, and I have one thing to say: Never mind, I won't say it. I have a few chapters lined up, so remember to read much, review often! I would like to know that you think that I am a psychotic human being! Don't just keep me hanging! I enjoy it when people tell me that I've been knocked on my head as a baby, and so on and so forth. But, really, just try and enjoy the story. I try to make it as random as possible. And I write it during my business class!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 21: This is Actually Chapter 20<strong>

I wake up, confused. I just had a crazy dream in which I told a funny story and Peeta… goodness me, good thing that was simply a dream. Oh, wait a minute… that one kiss equals one pot of soup? I rush out of the sleeping bag to verify whether or not that whole thing occurred. Please let this be a clichéd Back to the Future type trope… but there it is, a fridge full of Capitol Food from the Capitol that Haymitch gave me. Oh well. At least Foxface is dead. Oh, wait, that was the dream. That is quite strange. Too bad it isn't a reality.

Suddenly, over the loudspeakers, one of the most annoying voices in the history of the entire world begins to converse with me again.

"Goooooooooooooood morning, Tributes!" Claudius says, overpronouncing the word 'good', which, if you'll believe it, is actually spelled with two o's. He starts speaking again, but is interrupted by the – apparently – new Panem anthem composed by John Williams. Very nice, but too many strings and too emotional. I prefer James Horner's; it had bagpipes and children's screams. In the background, I can hear Claudius screaming at someone again. These broadcasts are, probably, the most interesting part of the Games in general! Maybe I'll watch next year _if I am not participating in them…_ OOOOHHH foreshadowing is so brilliant. I wonder who invented it? J.R.R. Tolkien? I hope so.

The anthem stops finally. The audience is probably too weepy now after that very moving piece by Williams. They should have taken something from Jaws or Indiana Jones, not Lincoln or War Horse. Claudius coughs, gaining composure.

"AHEM! Wow, that was a fairly spitty spittle spitball! I should cough them up more often. Does the stomach even digest hair?" It sounds like he's talking to someone else. I hear a bit of mumbling in the background. "Hmm, I didn't know that. Anyway, I have a very important announcement that will change the game, and so on and so forth. Would you like to hear it?"

I think to myself, 'of course, just spit it out Claudius.'

"I'm sorry Katniss Everdeen, I can't hear your thoughts. But if you'd like me to spit it out, just wait one minute… I know I'm not supposed to be a sponsor or anything, but…" There is a brief pause as… well, it sounds like there's some yelling in the background. Goody, good show chap! About 50 seconds later, I hear the very – well, more like slightly slash not at all – familiar whistle of a parachute. Oh, goody! Maybe Haymitch got me some more food! I can't help but pig out on Capitol Crunchies! I open the little package… EW! It's a spitty spittle spitball! Le yuck!

"There you go Katniss, now please close your mouth and listen to the announcement, you ungrateful son of a gun."

I don't think that Claudius Templesmith understands what the expression "son of a gun" Means. I read this little tidbit in some sailor's dictionary, encyclopedia something or other:

"Son of a gun, an epithet conveying contempt in a slight degree, and originally applied to boys born afloat, when women were permitted to accompany their husbands to sea; one admiral declared he literally was thus cradled, under the breast of a gun-carriage."

"HEY, CLAUDIUS!" I yell. Perhaps Cato or Clove or Foxface will hear me and kill me with an assortment of various sharp or elongated arms, but I am OK with that, because there is nothing worse than having to fall in love with Peeta. Oh, did you hear that? GASP! Inner turmoil alert.

"OK Katniss, I'm listening to you. You've got 27 and a half seconds, now reduced to 23, now I think it might be at 17 or something like that…"

"Oh, never mind. I was just going to tell you that you used the expression 'son of a gun' in a not-quite-very-good context, as it should be used as in 'you very lucky and well-endowed person with skills equal to or greater than—"

"OK, times up. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!" As Claudius starts to speak in a grumbly, overly-melodramatic voice, Peeta steps out of the cave and starts making caveman sounds. He has a bad fever, and his wound is very bad. It says mean things to me and makes me feel hurt, but anyway, Peeta is under the influence of sickness. Which is the worst drug, if you know what I mean. You don't? Well that's too bad.

Claudius starts speaking, and Peeta actually stops making caveman sounds and listens intently. "TRIBUTES! Ladies, gentlemen, children who will likely die within a few days, and our very special friends, muttations, who will quite likely devour one or more of you… tomorrow, at sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, etc… there will be a feast! And not just a regular feast, but a feast fest! It will be a festive feast fest – festering wounds will be made into dead children, and this feast fest will festivate festivalus fest feast."

Claudius is one of those people who tries to make random puns and tongue twisters out of nowhere, often making up words to make them better, such as "festivate" which, according to spellcheck, is not a real word. Peeta looks up at me and then winks. I don't know why, he does random thinks all the time.

"Well, that's all Tributes. Except that this feast will contain one item that you need absolutely for your survival. Such as Katniss and Peeta? They need some medicine to heal Peeta's intense leg wound. I mean, he can't even walk right now, he's extremely vulnerable. Foxface, hey, I'm talking to you girl. Once you hide in the Cornucopia and rush to get your backpack before anyone can kill you – although they will have the time, but you know, they're lazy slobs – after you get the backpack, _go to the cave!_ You could kill Peeta and Katniss!"

I don't know why Claudius is revealing our location. That's not very kind of him. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! Actually, I didn't, I just felt like saying that in an over dramatic tone.

"Ok, swick – get it, a mixture of sweet and sick? I thought of it myself."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

For reference, Claudius Templesmith did not think up the word 'swick'. Remember, he is a fictional character and, thereby, cannot create words. If there is anyone who made up the word 'swick', it is the author, who is currently writing this author's note.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I'm going to have to contact Editor Bob, because swick? I invented it. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Bob is currently out of town, and did not receive Katniss's fictional letter to Bob. I might enclose it later on in the narrative if absolutely necessary, but don't count on it hunny. May I call you hunny? No? Then good day sir.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Too bad that Bob is currently out of town otherwise I would deliver him the letter. Oh well.

"Trout, out!" Claudius Templesmith's name is not trout; his nickname is not trout. He just says trout out because it rhymes. He changes rhymes ever other Hunger Games, so next year, it should be something different. "Hiya Kaya" anyone? No? Maybe I'll send a letter to Bob to tell him suggest that and put a copyright on it, ya knoo, ya knoo, YA KNOOOOOOOO. Oh my, I am exhausted. Well, where was I? TROUT!

Claudius Templesmith has stopped talking, so I go into the cave, followed by Peeta, and go to sleep. Just kidding. I go into the cave and take out my cellphone to phone Haymitch. YAY!

"KATNISS!" Peeta yells at me. "NO MOBILE DEVICES WITHIN THE ARENA! IF YOU DO NOT THROW IT INTO MY HAND I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DO SOMETHING YOU WILL NOT LIKE!"

"Like what?" I retort, using a pretty cool word like "retort".

"Um…" Peeta says, being uncool and having to be talked about with a cliché and generally boring word like "says". "Well… I might murder you?" he says again. How uncool.

"Oh, yeah, like you could even walk far enough to have the capability of running away from muttations that look like they have other Tributes' eyes," I retort, using a cool word like "retort" and a cool literary technique like "foreshadowing" in the same sentence.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Pardon me for being verbose – a word which here means "annoying, ignorant, stupid interrupter of terrible dialogue and not-very-witty people" – but I must alert you to a very grave and dangerous thing called foreshadowing. If you would rather have a happy life filled with images of butterflies and hot dead turkey slathered with gravy, don't listen to a word said in English class. I once…

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Pardon me for interrupting the author's extremely fascinating, although poorly critique of the school system, but I believe that it is my duty to tell you to stay in school and to now skip English class. If you would like to be a poor hobo who spends his time running from secret organizations and various villains with tattoos of an eye on their ankle, remain in English class. Besides, you know someone is noble if they are very well-read. I, for example, read three books yesterday. One was boring, one was a page long and very exciting, and the other was a secret a disguised secret document, containing a hidden code that I pretended to not understand when one of my enemies entered the room…

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

…cheesy tacos.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

"Haymitch, if you are here, know that I am alive and well," I yell at no one in particular. Ew, I suppose that yelling is a bit unflattering… "I have been stranded on a remoted island by that Effin' Trinket! Because she picked my name!"

"What an Effin' Trinket!" Peeta screams at me. I suppose that screaming is more unflattering than yelling…

"Anyhoo, Haymitch, it would be remarkable (insert fake French accent) if you could send me something delicious that would help me get to the feast, because I have a weird feeling that Peeta will not let me go because he doesn't want me to die, or some junk like that."

Suddenly, I hear a klunk outside. Oh my! It's an anvil! And it fell on Peeta's leg!

"AAAAAAHHHHHGhfjdkgheowi" Peeta screams in pain and agony, ignoring grammar and proper manners, which might include saying "Ow, that hurt a bit, would you please remove that anvil from my leg Haymitch, thank you." Peeta yells a variety of words – perhaps, more appropriately, a _Cornucopia_ of words, anybody? No? OK. – that just seem to becoming worse and worse and worser and badder grammer aind spelyng. Finally he stops and then winks at me, a symbol that he's just giving those chaps in the Capitol a good show. GOOD SHOW!

Then, all of a sudden, there's a thump that comes from outside of the cave. It's another parachute thinger! Maybe Haymitch sent me a pony! Only one person in all of the Hunger Games history has ever gotten a pony as a gift . Hey, you see that? It's a sad face. Read between the lines, budso. I open the little box. It's a note! Ooh! I wonder how much money Haymitch wasted sending me this stupid note. It reads:

Dear Katniss,

I know that your intelligence is even less than that of Peeta's, so I am sending you this note instead of him.

Anyway, the weather is fine here, in case you asked. Nice fireworks hunny. Now, what am I saying? I'm just kidding of course. Anyway, where was I? I somethhimes because I'm dru—oh, right, the feast. I had a very nice one with Cinna the other night. Well, it was nice until he started to touch me strangely… I don't really remember last night much… but, anyway, back to your very special feast tomorrow.

You can't let Peeta stop you from going because, even though his injury is very bad and so on and so forth, he'll try at all means to try and stop you. From experience: don't let him near a possum, a skunk, or a vat of fake vomit. He'll throw it at you like there's no tomorrow. Probably because the chances of there even being a tomorrow are very slim…

Anyway, you must go to the feast and get the backpack or whatever that will be waiting for you there because there's some medicine for Peeta's leg. He might've recovered within a decade, but then that anvil fell on him, sent from Foxface's district. Hey, I'm calling her that too! Strange… But, they didn't like the fact that you dreamed that Peeta caused her death. Now, don't ask me how they now what you dreamed, I'm just s human being wasting money on sending you a letter that you will read and probably die because PEETA'S GOT A KNIFE! Lol. Just kidding. I'm actually pretty funny. WOAH, I'm sounding like you now! Gotta go to the store and get some more alcoholic beverage! Now, say beverage with a French accent… bev ur auje! It's a fancy schmancy word that quite enjoy and I hope you aren't reading this right now because PEETA HAS A KNIFE!

In summary: Take this sleeping whatever, give it to the goat (formerly known as Peeta) don't ask me why I called him a goat!), go to the feast and be festive etc., and then beware of Foxface who will fdjklasdj

Sincerely,

Hey Mitch!

Sorry, I just saw my friend Mitch and thought I would write down what I said.

Sincerely,

Haymitch

Wow, that was a strange letter. I turn around to see if Peeta has a knife. I don't know why Haymitch would tell me that Peeta have a knife if he in fact doesn't. I trust Haymitch a lot since he is the person lining up the sponsors for me. I must trust him… but no, Peeta doesn't have a knife… he has a stick!

"PUT DOWN THE STICK PEETA! Remember what happened with the scissors?"

I don't think he can understand what I'm saying because he's still writhing in pain, agony, and despair under the anvil. Well, I have to wonder: is he giving the Capitol a GOOD SHOW CHAP! Or is he actually in pain, agony, and despair? It doesn't matter. I don't care either way. I walk over to Peeta. I need to feed him the sleeping potion… but first I'll get him out from under the anvil. As I'm pulling him out – a quite difficult task – he gives me another wink. Then he decides to have a few winks, and he goes limp in my arms. Well. This couldn't have gone any worse.

But, it could have gone worse. What if Cato and Thresh, in the heat of battle, suddenly came, saw me, teamed up on me, killed each other, leaving Clove to say mean things to me and ruin my self-confidence without Peeta there to reassure me? That would be absolutely unthinkable. So things could have gone worse. And they still could… I hurriedly rush Peeta out from under the anvil and drag him into the cave. I put him in the sleeping bag, and give him a few extra-hard slaps to try and get him to wake up. On the twenty-sixth slap, he yells out a loud howl and jerks approximately forty-nine centimeters into the air. Very fascinating manoeuver, I must say…

"Katniss! Where are the badgers?" Peeta asks me. He must be delirious or something like that. Good, maybe I can hypnotize him and get him to do something funny and/or strange that will make the audience laugh and throw money at their screens because they love me so much.

"You are very sleepy… you have no control over yourself… you are going to follow your hidden desires…" I say, bobbling pendulum in front of his eyes.

"I… I am very sleepy… I have no control over myself… oh, Katniss! I will follow my hidden desires!" Peeta then throws himself at me. "Take me Katnip!" he says. Woah, these are pretty strange inner desires. Well, at least I'm a good hypnotist. Maybe NBC will be desperate enough to make a show about me…

"OK Peeta, I know, I know, it's OK, but now it's time to go to sleep." I snap, and Peeta goes to sleep. The day has passed very rapidly; it is night now, so I decide to set my alarm clock/cool grenade for sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset! I mean, just sunrise.

WOAH! I USED A SEMI-COLON! THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES ME A COOL PERSON!

And then I fall asleep. But how do I narrate myself falling asleep in the present? Think about, think, think about it.

* * *

><p><strong>There was one Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series reference in there... some Peeta *whistle*ing, and a small poke at the fact that NBC had the worst programming on television except for Parks and Recreation and Community, and maybe some other shows I haven't seen. Next chapter will probably already be up by the time that you (and by you I mean NO ONE!) read this, so continue on!<strong>


	22. Chapter 22: Least Yeast Feast

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**I recently read a fanfiction disclaimer that says that they do not own the Hunger Games but that Suzanne Collins does. I felt like laughing almost out loud when I read that (but I didn't because that would be breaking five and three quarters social codes) because it felt to me like an obvious observation. I am not Suzanne Collins, reader, if anyone is indeed reading this. I am a sort of anonymous personnage, if you will, who is going under the false (obviously) name of "labonath151". If you would truly like to know my true identity, look me up on Youtube. After reading this.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 22: Least Yeast Feast<strong>

I wake up at sunrise because my grenade alarm clock has exploded. Thankfully, Peeta's inner desires have kept him asleep through all that. The cave is pretty much caved in from all of the debris from the grenade exploding, but that's OK. I predict that the Hunga Wunga Gamey Wameys will end soony woony. OH! Cool use of rhyme time!

Wait just a minute… Least Yeast Feast? What's the problem with the person who chose that title?

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Schizophrenia. But Johnny tells me that it's multiple personality disorder. Whenever I talk with Johnny, Bob says I'm talking to myself and making weird sounds.

**JOHNNY'S NOTE**

Hehehe, I have hijacked the author's body!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Pardon me Johnny? I didn't understand what you said.

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Excuse us while we take Author to the hospital.

**END AUTHOR'S/JOHNNY'S/EDITOR'S NOTE**

How am I supposed to incorporate least yeast feast into the chapter? Oh well.

I look at the sleeping potion Haymitch gave me. We call it Sleepy Syrup or some ridiculous name like that in District 12. We have the stupidest names for everything. Tacoes? They're called "Mucho Enchilada with some toppings that I don't particularly care for", which is a stupid name in the first places but it leaves dangling participles that I despise. What more do I have to live for? HAHAHAHAHA! I am a very humorous person because I just did something ironic, by claiming I dislike dangling participles and then dangling my own!

Suddenly, I hear a thud outside and go out. It's another parachute! Goodness Haymitch. I open it, and find a note.

Dear Katniss,

This is Bob, your editor. I've read your most recent manuscript for "Johnny Figaro's Adventures", and I must say that I am disappointed. You left too many dangling participles! What was that for? HAHAHAHAHA! Oh well, anyway, here's the revised edition, I want the next copy on my desk by Thursday. And it's Thursday today, so you've got a week.

By the way, that Peeta guy is pretty ironic. I looked up his name the other day, and did you know that his name is the Greek word for cake or pie? And also, his name sounds oddly like the word pita, am I right? Yes, I'm right. You should be careful; he may be in cahoots with Panem, which is the Latin word for bread. Worse, he might even be in cahoots with my arch-nemesis, the one and second-only (not really, I was just trying and failing to be funny) SUZANNE COLLINS! I heard she's stalking you to try and find out your story, but she'll twist your story ever so slightly to make it more interesting than it actually is. But, then again, you could sue her for a lot of money, not that you'll be alive by the end of the Hunger Games or will you? I'll have to ask Madame Lulu.

So, in conclusion, or whatever, get the edited copy to me by next week or the next if you so wish. Lots of rush but none at all. Make sure that you aren't being followed in the arena, although there are cameras almost literally EVERYWHERE! AHH TRACKA JACKA! I'll see if I can murder Suzanne Collins, or perhaps keep her alive to make your sequel more interesting.

Sincerely,

Bob

Postscript: Isn't cool to say Postscript instead of PS?

PPS: I got tired of writing it out in long form

PPPS: Get going, you'll be late for the feast!

PPPPS: The name Bob actually means "fame bright" (it's the short form of Robert, Katniss. Do I sound patronizing? I sure hope so.), and it's the short form of "Robert", although my parents hated me and just name me "Bob" and then they ditched me in the field next to my house. Wait, why am I telling you this? Maybe because I love you Katniss! Maybe because I want to marry you! AHHHH! No, I don't actually love you or want to marry you. I just wanted to make you feel let down after that. And btw (txt ftw!), your name doesn't mean anything special, except the fact that you're named after a plant. How does it feel to be named after a plant? HA! Even Gale's name is better than yours, meaning "wave of God". Wave of God! Gale is pretty much a god compared to you Katty Watty! HA HA HAAAAAA!

PPPPPS: Does this tie make me look fat?

Goodness gracious, Bob is slightly long-winded, but at least I know one more thing than before I read the letter; I should choose Gale. I mean, really, wave of God? WOWSERS! I gotta get with that.

I throw the note in the water, and then head off into the forest. That was a strange and ultimately unnecessary sidebar that was used to fill up the chapter probably, but that's alright. I like filler! Like in doughnuts? OOOOOOHHHHHHHH! Donuts are the best. But wait just a minute you rascally rascal, is it better spelled donuts or doughnuts? I hope you go jump into a pool and/or vat (depending on your preference) of water.

After travelling through the marmalade forest (forest), between the make believe trees—in a cottage cheese cottage. Lives Albi (Albi), Albi (Albi), Albi the Racist Dragon!

After travelling through the forest, I arrive on the border type whatchamaccalit of the clearing in which is situated the Cornucopia. I pause dramatically to look around. I wonder where everyone is… oh, probably hiding like I am. Drat, I should have brought my surplus bag with machine guns and hand grenades! Either that or the bazooka. Nah, too heavy. I don't want to hurt my back.

All of a sudden, a little Fox comes running out of the Cornucopia. I let out a loud and piercing scream. In the distance, I hear a pane of glass shattering. A hovercraft falls out of the sky, not so invisible anymore, and lands somewhere in the middle of the field where Thresh is. Or isn't…

All of a sudden, Foxface comes running out of the Cornucopia. She must have used the fox as an oddly appropriate distraction, as it caused her entrance to appear as an afterthought as if "yeah, Foxface is coming out of the Cornucopia and grabbing her bag, but we don't care because an actual fox just came running out and made Katniss scream which caused a series of amazing disasters". I am just too cool, interesting, and well-rounded. No, not in the stomach.

I decide to take my chance and run after my bag, which is sitting on a table in the middle of the field. As I grab it, a hawk swoops down and grabs the other strap, commencing a fierce tug of war between us. If this was an animated television narrative, I would be able to describe the dance through abstract pictures and symbols, and funky music, but I only have words, so I might as well make the best of it.

Tucky filtrate…

Ninny carbinny I want ploppy

True shopkeeper tickle er morsel!

After that fünke (WAY TO GO ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!) dance, I snatch the bag from the eagle, who mutters a punchline inaudibly, in an utterly non-deadpan manner that makes me pull out one hair on my head and five from my chinny chin chins. Hehe.

I start to run, but a clove of garlic attacks me! AHH! I'm just kidding it's actually a killer child named Clove.

"Hey Katty Watty!" Why does everyone call me that? "Hey! I'm over here! And I've got a stick!" I won't do the parody of a parody reference again, unless there's already been a really meta-parody before… Am I late to it? Goodness Katty Watty, I sure hope not! Oh well…

"Clove! Put down the stick! Remember what happened with the scissors?" I am extremely ashamed, but what must happen has happened. Now I can go get an ice cream pina colada!

"I'm gonna eat you!" Clove Cannibel yells at me, which immediately makes me think of one of the worst movies I have never seen and a quite humorous Monty Python sketch about cannibalism! I mean, it was quite humorous! But before I can complete my train of thought, the train that is Clove hits me like dead freight. I mean, dead weight. I just Broke Bad with that sentence.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Clove says, probably deciding that she doesn't want to be a cannibal anymore. Good for her. GOOD SHOW!

"No, I'm gonna kill you," I say back, rebuttling. I've always loved the word rebuttle, but it is not correct according to Spell Check. Did my Grade 3 (Three. I don't even know why I just put that in there.) teacher lie to me? ABSOLUTELY! NOT! OR MAYBE! I DON'T KNOW!

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I'm gonna kill you!"

My goodness! Was that a real conversation, or was that just to make this chapter appear longer? Do you hate me? NOOO! Don't think poorly of me because I wrote the same thing over and over again and because I used the word 'poorly'!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I just had to put a second author's note in here just to make this chapter excellent. Besides, I'm getting tired of Katty Wat—I mean, Katniss. Oh, and btw (txt ftw!), she's speaking in a really angsty tone, if you couldn't notice. Just didn't want you to misinterpret the text. No, I'm kidding, not about the angst in Katty Wat—I mean, Katniss's voice, but about the fact that I don't want you to misinterpret the text. Misinterpretation? That's my middle name! Actually, it isn't. I was just kidding. Lol (txt ftw!)!

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Anywhoseewatsee, Clove and I are rolling around in the muddy ground and, all of a sudden, she has me pinned to the ground! Ahh! Hehe, that was a funny-sounding sound I made. It was actually really strange.

"I told you Katniss, I always told you that I would kill you after having rolled around in the mud for a while! Remember?"

"Umm… no, not particularly. When was that?" I am really confused, as seen from that quotation.

"In your sleep!" Clove yells at me without using CAPS, thank Johnny, and she is suddenly about to strike me in the throat with a knife! AHH! WHAT ABOUT JOHNNY FIGARO'S ADVENTURES? NOW IT'LL NEVER BE PUBLISHED! Oh, pardon me for using CAPS.

I am about to die. Goodbye, cruel, cruel world! Now, where is that from… am I really allowed using a popular culture reference without knowing its origin etc.? Let me just look it up on POOGLE; Panem's Google. Uhuh… oh, President Snow endorses Rose Spice? Strange. Anyway… There we are. Oh, it's a Pink Floyd song. Or at least so says Plutarchpedia…

GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Well, that was a lovely little bit of suspense there. Tune in next week to see if Katty Watty dies… What's that Bob?

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

We interrupt this Author's Note to bring you a news flash! Katty Watty legally changes her name to Katniss! More on this in the sequel parody.

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

Well, that was an odd Editor's note. I wonder what Bob's purpose was in that and who his audience was. Me? You? ZOBOOMAFOO? I LOVE YOU ZOBOOMAFOO!

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE AS WELL AS CHAPTER, AND THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE ALONG IN A BIT UNLESS THE AUTHOR DECIDES TO REWRITE HISTORY AND HAVE KATNISS KILLED OFF TO RENDER THE NEXT INSTALLMENT MORE NAIL-BITING. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN, ANYONE?**

**JOHNNY'S NOTE**

Forgive me for making this chapter like the last half hour of Peter Jackson's critically-acclaimed, winner of 11 (eleven, anyone?) Oscars (REGISTERED TRADEMARK! Don't wanna be sued or anything) "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King", but I have a sidebar to add. Katniss never mentioned "Least Yeast Feast" in this chapter after her wondering how she should incorporate it into the chapter. If you have figured out what makes the fact that she didn't do so brilliant, review every single chapter of this story and share it with everyone you have ever met.

"Fight it! Fight it!"

Sorry, that's Bob

**SWITCH TO AUTHOR'S NOTE, ENDING JOHNNY'S NOTE AND BEGINNING AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I mean, what? George R.R. Martin, anyone?

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Due to the lackluster ending of the George R.R. Martin, anyone a second time, it is my duty to conclude this chapter properly, with a good joke that will make you laugh, not grimace with disgust. Actually, you know what? I am tired. I am going to _dormer_. French, anyone?

OK, whatever, just stop reading if you would like to remain sane.

**END EDITOR'S NOTE, BEGIN AUTHOR'S AND ALL THAT JAZZ**

I'm sane! At least I was until Chapter 12 or so…

**END CHAPTER! FINALLY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

><p><strong>Well, was that not a delightful little installment? The next one will be out in a day or two depending on how much time I gave in business class. Oh well. All I can say is that déjà vu willl exist, although not as many spelling mistakes like "willl". COME ON! And I think there will be another letter from Haymitch. STAY TUNED Y'ALL!<strong>


	23. Chapter 23: A Sense of Déjà Vu

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Recently I received a kind letter condemning my Authors Notes. As this person has actually read the entire story, through good times and bad, I address them and end Authors Notes until the next chapter in which something shocking occurs to the Author. Also, if you would like Adele to still be alive by the end of this chapter, then don't read it. Actually, do.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 23: A Sense of Déjà Vu<strong>

Suddenly, there is a knife sticking into my throat and everything goes black. NOOO! I HATE YOU AUTHOR! Just kidding. Thresh suddenly comes up and kills Clove by banging her into the Cornucopia. No, not against—into! This keeps going downhill in terms of "How to say things wrong and with mediocre grammar".

I look at Thresh with a look of innocence and HEFFALUMPS AND WOOZLES! ARE VERY! CONFUSILS!

"Hey, yo Katniss! Remember how one of the themes of this is debt and payment? Well, I owe you one. I never thought that I'd be rid of the Ruesance…" he suddenly cuts off abruptly. It looks like he's going to cry… Oh, the big Teddy Bear! BEWARE! OF HEFFALUMPS AND WOOZLES! But it turns out he's no Winnie McPlopperkins, because he bursts out laughing, not thinking about how the dead Rue might feel about him making a pun out of her name and laughing at her.

"You know, she would bother me every day in District 11! It was so annoying how she would whistle to end the day and—wait just a minute. She told you all that backstory, did she not?" I shake my head slowly. If I remember correctly (Which I don't. It's been a while since I last read my manuscript), she did not share any of her backstory. I mean really, Rue is such a bad and not-good-at-plot person! Or, rather, she was.

"Anyway man," Thresh continues, forgetting that I am a woman, "that was some nice rolling in the mud back there. I…"

"OK Missus, stop it right there!" I say to Thresh, poking him in the facial visage. Gosh, I love that word! "First of none, you do NOT under any circumstances, save natural disaster or annihilation, call me man. Got it bozo? I bet you don't even know what bozo means! And second of none, DON'T EVER WATCH ME ROLL IN THE MUD AGAIN!" I start to walk away. I can hear him telling me the definition of bozo softly and he tells me something about how I should be grateful because I saved his life, but I don't wanna hear none of that!

As I walk through the forest, I come across a tree. I walk past it.

I arrive at the cave a little while later. Peeta is dipping his fingers into the Sleepy Syrup and licking his fingers. Now, there is the second bozo.

"Peeta!" I say. "Why are you taking the Sleepy Syrup?"

And with that, he falls unconscious. What a RUEsance. Hey, that's kind of catchy!

A few days later, after a particularly bad attack from a band of hybrid gypsy-monkeys, Peeta wakes up. He begins to yell at me, because he is Peeta.

"Katniss! You should not have given me the Sleepy Syrup! You should not have gone to the feast! You are extremely stupid, and that is only one of at least three and a quarter dozen reasons to support my conclusion! By the way, did you bring back the medicine? My leg is almost literally _killing_ me!"

I get the backpack that I dragged through a variety of different weather conditions (formerly known as Toronto), and open it. Inside is a little box. I open it. It reads:

Dear Katniss,

I thought I would write you this letter because your last chapter with a letter was really popular with the fans! They like how it's a random sidebar in an unfocused narrative, which gives the story a real animated show vibe, like Fox Sundays. So, I thought that this letter would attract more attention toward your story and I hope that this gets you a lot of reviews.

Claudius or Plutarch or whomever the whooseewhatsees it was who asked me what I should put in here said that I could only include one item, so I thought that this letter would take the cheese. I mean, the cake. I just have made too many Peeta jokes. Although I did have some nice Pita bread the other day… alright, I'm just kidding! Sheesh! Put a Hannibal Lecter cage over your mouth! For good!

So, you know Suzanne Collins? I read the first draft of her book. It was about three times longer than your's is right now, and kids are _digging_ that length, so make sure that you make this longer… at least half as long as her's was. Is 50 000 words good? Well, seeing as "good" was your 36000th, we might have to go for 40 000-45 000 words. So I'll write you again, OK? Good. See ya never!

Not sincerely at all,

Hey Mitch!

Sorry, I just saw Mitch again. Funny coincidence.

Haymitch

PS: Apparently, the readers found the postscripts to be quite amusing, so I will add one or two, maybe more. Oh, whoops, I didn't write it as "postscript", but as PS.

Post-Postscript: There we go, that looks nicer. But what if people don't understand the whole idea of Post-postscript because they usually see "PPS"?

PPPS: There, now they'll understand. Oh, and by the way, spoiler alert Katt Katt (Have a break; have a Katt Katt!), I learned from a source that is secretive from you and at least two other people that Cinna's name derives from a Shakespeare character who was a poet, and who was killed for assassinating Julius Caesar, or something like that. So, I know you like Cinna a lot, but he'll probably die.

Well, that is a relief. I wouldn't want him to haunt my sequel. As I am wont to say never, 'good riddance!'

Well, so there's no medicine. Really, when there is a choice between saving Peeta and making the reader happy, I suppose that the reader will always win. Hey—reader. You're special. OK, who am I kidding, I strongly dislike you, unless you happen to be reading this paragraph right now. If you are reading this, then I like you. It's the readers who aren't reading this that I don't like.

I go back into the cave. Peeta is bouncing all over the walls, BOINGADEEBOINGBOINGBOING! I guess that Haymitch didn't send me Sleepy Syrup, but rather SUPER-EXCITEMENT Syrup, which originates in the Gumbo Tree. Do not ask me why that's its name… No… NO! STOP! Oh, never mind, I thought you said something forgive me.

"Katniss, hello." Peeta suddenly says, all serious and so on and so forth, which makes me wonder what is wrong with him. He's like that guy in that movie who reminds me of Peeta! Oh, I so enjoy being very specific. But I don't like specifics, if that makes sense. I enjoy ambiguity and so on and so forth, which makes me wonder why I use the phrase "and so on and so forth" so often. I mean, why? WHY? And why did I use four question marks? That seems a bit extravagant. But, then again/never, I am/am not very extravagant/boring. Hey, slashes, get out of my story!

/

/

/

/

/

/

OK, good, now I can get on with it! Although, I bet that since Bob is printing this on a different page format, it will look very weird. NOOOO! I thought I'd try and be funny by doing a random inside including but not limited to making a slash walk off the page, but it turns out that trying to be funny doesn't pay off, unless you try to be funny and actually are, like Tony Hale or that other guy at whom I laugh.

I skip the night because I don't really want to talk about what happens between me and Peeta; although, in the morning, we have leg medicine.

"YAY!" Peeta says. "Now I can walk again!" The soundtrack to the popular song "I Believe I can Fly" is heard in the background, but the word "fly" is changed to "walk". Just kidding. That would be ridiculous because we are in the Hunger Games—OR ARE WE? But, then again, is it as ridiculous as a grenade alarm clock? Definitely. Probably more so.

Anyhoo, I put some medicine on Peeta's leg and we go out hunting.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I am having a strange sense of déjà vu as I write this next part of the chapter. Forgive me if you do too and you fall off your chair because of it and cock your head on an object that is very hard.

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Katniss, give me a Kattyback ride…" Peeta says. We're going hunting this morning. I slap him and we head out on our way. He is really loud so I put a muzzle on his facial visage, which he so happens to have. Good! Now he won't talk. But he might eat something poisonous, so I had better keep him in my sighty wighty. Whitey. I mean.

After a while, I hear Peeta chewing on something. Goodness, they're nightlock berries! Those could kill him. I slap his stomach very hard, and it jiggles quite a bit before all the vibrations reach his mouth and he regurgitates the berries. He grimaces.

"It's a good thing I didn't eat those poison berries, because they were disgusting. I will conveniently place these mashed up berries and some other not mashed up berries with our food so that maybe someone will try to steal our food, but be stupid and eat the berries.

Believe it or not, that happens after a while, and Foxface is dead. Finally! It was getting unbearable, with her existing.

Wow, that was actually kind of anti-climactic. Really? She just dies from eating berries? I thought Foxface was an intelligent girl who figured out how to not get blown up by bombs. But… Ok, that was pretty unexpected. Anyway, I guess that's one more character gone which means there's more chance I'll live! Yay! Sucks to be you Foxface. Say, I wonder why I didn't record her name when I learned it… DARN IT! The only thing worse than not knowing a minor character's name is getting less ice cream than your brother, which is not even that bad. But still, I really wish I knew Foxface's name! COME ON AUTHOR!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Hey, don't blame it on me! I'm not Katniss!

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Wait a minute, I just lost my train of thought… oh well.

As we walk back to our special cave, a cannon boom sounds. It is raining. OOPS! I guess I should have mentioned that it has been raining for a while. Should I do a random sidebar now? Maybe I can do a random sidebar about how I have done almost no describing my surroundings at all and how I just talk about random things for no particular reason at all. Oh, maybe I should do a sidebar in which I ask myself what type of sidebar I should do. To borrow the not really colloquialism, D'OH!

"I wonder who that was…" Peeta says as he snacks on himself. Pardon, I mean a pita. NOO cannibalism here! All good! Don't want the government to ransack the arena and kill us! Although, that would be better than being chewed and not swallowed at all by muttations…

Goodness gracious me! I am finding autocorrect quite annoying, as I am not allowed to write "muttations" without it automatically changing to "mutations"! I feel like poking the keyboard repetitively on random keys! But wait a minute! I have a keyboard? Where'd I get that? And why did I say "where'd" when I could have simply said "where would"? My, my, my brain is going. But where is it going? By the way, I Katniss Everdeen, would like to give a shout out to no one. No one needs my shout out.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Dear Mr./Mrs. Guest,

Thank you for reviewing my story. You are the first person who has done that since… well, it's been 14 long, cold, and bitter months. I only had horseradish to eat, you see. This note, which you will probably dislike because it exists, is a shout out to you. Katniss is a self-absorbed human being who likes to shout out to no one because she considers herself – to borrow the not-so-frequently-used colloquialism – the "top dog". I don't know how that expression originated, although I have hunch (no, not on my back) that it has something to do with the idea that the head dog in a pack is the 'top dog'. Now, forgive me for rambling, but I just had a fairly scrumptious cappuccino that is keeping me up! OK, alright, I didn't have a cappuccino, but I must have had some brain stimulant. Do you know any good brain stimulants? I could use one.

You know, it's said that women are like spaghetti and that men are like waffles. You know, women go from one strand of conversation to the next to the next and so on and so forth, while men are very single-minded and can only stay on one topic at a time. I am a male. By the way, that colour of the wall is very dull. It's very annoying looking at it while typing on this not very ergonomic keyboard, our subject in business right now. Yes, I am currently in business. Still with me Guest? I was just being ironic, although the delivery was a little stale. But really, I'm in business class right now and we're learning about ergonomics. Forgive me for straying from the story for so long, but I just wanted to write a letter to you explaining my condition. You see, I have this disease that does not exist but that I use on occasion to excuse myself from various boring dinner parties.

Ok, I've held you long enough. Please Guest, stick with me through to the end of this story! Things will change in Catching Fire: A Parody of Catching Fire, if Katniss doesn't die in "The Hunger Games: A Parody of The Hunger Games", because, you know, this is a parody so anything could happen. Although I _would_ love to read "Johnny Figaro's Adventures".

Sincerely,

**AUTHOR (END HIS NOTE)**

We go to sleep. There is nothing waiting in the morning outside because nothing happened last night (yeah, you get it). But, when we go outside to bathe (note the we), there is no water in the river, which makes an already strange situation even more so.

"Well, I guess it's the end," Peeta says. Suddenly, out of the blue, Adele walks in and starts singing.

**This is the end  
>Hold your breath and count to ten<br>Feel the earth move and then  
>Hear my heart burst again<strong>

**For this is the end**  
><strong>I've drowned and dreamt this moment<strong>  
><strong>So overdue I owe them<strong>  
><strong>Swept away, I'm stolen<strong>

**Let the sky fall**  
><strong>When it crumbles<strong>  
><strong>We will stand tall<strong>  
><strong>Face it all together<strong>

**Let the sky fall!**

But, out of the blue, and by the blue I mean the sky, another anvil falls right on top of Adele's head. Well, it's the end for her at least. She shouldn't have asked for the sky to fall. Because you know what happens when you wish for something you don't want. Just look at movies such as It's a Wonderful Life! Hey Jimmy Jimmy!

"You are right," I tell Peeta, ignoring the anvil. "We'd better pack up our supplies and head to the Cornucopia because – hey! – we might as well just fall into the Gamemakers' trap. Why not? I doubt we'll die. Maybe. Who know. OK, we're going to die. Unless Cato dies instead because, according to my calculations, he's the only one left!

"According to my calculations, Cato's the only one left!"

"OK Peeta, thank you very much, we all know how to do simple math."

"Except for my dad. Once he sent two pies to the Mayor instead of one, so the mayor, being a kind soul, only gave him a whipping. That was kind of him! He could have gotten the death sentence!"

I am getting tired of Peeta. Hopefully he'll die. Maybe I should just kill him now but—no, the star-crossed lovers act may come in handy in a little while.

"OK Peeta, let's put on some clothes." Peeta looks down.

"Oh… right. It just feels right this way."

I could say a lot about that, but I refrain. The Capitol wanted a show? Well, they got one. A whole lot of show. No tell. Don't want it to be a mediocre movie, so show not tell. I probably showed too much…

We start to head out, to what just might be our last great fight.

WAY TO GO FORESHADOWING!

* * *

><p><strong>As previously stated, something shocking will happen to the Author (and to Katniss I suppos...) next chapter. STAY IN TUNE! I mean, tuned.<strong>


	24. Chapter 24: Road to the Kind-Of Finale

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

I miss you Cuddles!

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Good day ladies, gentlemen, and you, the reader, whoever you are. What's that? You would like excitement? You would like something terrible to happen to **AUTHOR**? Well then, read no further! I mean, read this chapter. Something exquisite will occur, and that thing will NOT come from Peeta's mouth, or any other part of his body. COME ON, don't think like that. Anyway, this is just a bit of set-up for the dramatic Kind-of Finale, which will be next chapter in a super special extra long chapter! I will make it at least 4000 words, which is longer than any chapter so far, including pre/post amble. I make reference to Arrested Development, No Country for Old Men, Memento, a certain animated cartoon, and the Hunger Games of course. And some politics. And Peeta and Katniss will do something that will be... hot. Oh, wait a minute. I cut out the scene in which they enjoy some quality time in a hot tub. Too risqué. Anyway, may the odds of you reading this be ever in my favour!**

* * *

><p>We head out – fully clothed –to go to the Cornucopia, where the final showdown will likely occur. Where else would it occur? Our cave? Say, that would be a fairly good show. A bunch of people fighting it out in an enclosed space. HMM.<p>

"I don't want to live!" Peeta is yelling at the sky.

"Then just kill yourself Peeta!" I say back. Hey—it's his decision, not mine. If I were him, I'd be running after me… that may sound strange, but I promise you, it makes sense! Well, I suppose I'll have to calm him down for both our good. Mmmm, mostly for mine. Same difference (everybody! It's oxymoron time!).

"Peeta, remember that goat story I told you?" Nothing. "Wasn't it so funny? Remember how the lion and… and the lake… the forest?" WHOOPS! I don't want to put Gale at risk. OH MY GOODNESS I'VE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT GALE! I look up at a camera I see that is not very conspicuously hidden. As there is only myself and Peeta and Cato left, the citizens will probably be tuned in to see us. We're the most interesting part of this whole shebob! Shebob? I don't even know what that is.

"Hey! Gale!" I yell. "YEAH! You, with the hair! I know you can hear me. Actually, I don't _really_ know that you can hear me, but I will make an assumption based on nothing but hope… and a very strong rumbly in my stomach. Hey, Peeta, pass me some goat – hey, I know what you're thinking Prim! Maybe you were snoozing when I received the large feast. I am not going to eat goat. Didn't you hear me? Goat CHEESE! You should go to Gringy MacHoopla to get your ears checked.

"Anyway, back to you Gale! No, not as if I'm a reporter, that would just be idiotic. I am not a reporter, I am a Tribute in the 74th Annual but not for long OH FORESHADOWING Hunger Games! Did that sentence make any sense? I was about to make a pun but decided not to because, like balsamic vinaigrette—oh, nevermind. Oh, I suppose it's supposed to be written as "never mind". That being said—never mind.

"Gale, I know it is taking me a long time to get to my point, but the point is that… um… I forget the point. So just enjoy the show! Because you are most definitely perhaps possibly watching this right now!" I gasp in for breath and start to hyperventilate because I said that all in one breath. I should take yoga or other such classes to help me in those aspects.

"Um… are you alright Katniss?" Peeta is looking at me strangely, so I slap him in the face. For two reasons. First, because his face is plump at the moment. Second, because he annoyed me. And some of those sentences were fragments and not completed altogether and.

"Katniss, you really need some sleep. Here. Sleep in my arms." Peeta opens up his arms to welcome me into his embrace. I really need to sleep.

I slap him again in the face. This time because he still hasn't given me any bread. After that, we continue on our way.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Now, notice Mr. Guest, I am putting this here at a natural pause in the narrative. It isn't interrupting the story, it is supplementing it with useful information, such as…

**END AUTHOR'S LIFE BEGIN EDITOR'S NOTE**

Due to circumstances completely within my control, **AUTHOR** will no longer be writing this story. Actually… boy, this is a hole. UMM I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, Katniss is the author. **AUTHOR**, who had a strangely misleading name, just died. I will not say how he died, other than that he was stabbed by an unnamed personnage who goes by the name of "editor". I mean, Greg I. Tor...y. He's a Conservative fellow, you see, and wears his blue with pride and dignity. He also happens to write a variety of "Letter to the Editor" guest spots. But, anyway, since **AUTHOR** is dead, he will no longer be able to write any **AUTHOR'S NOTES** anymore, although I have a strange feeling that he'll resurrect himself like Phil Coulson... UM YES. SO, if any plot or character point in the narrative needs any clarification, addition, or edification (YIKES on Katty Watty's grammar!) then I will be of assistance. Until next time,

**EDITOR (END NOTE AND SO ON AND SO FORTH)**

It's been three days trekking through the forest... BEAM ME UP! Pardon me for interrupting the previously-set tone with a Star Trek reference, but I just felt that it would be necessary to lighten the mood a bit. I don't want any black comedy, like that found in... WHO CARES WHAT MOVIE! Oh, right, Six Feet Under, that's what I was thinking about.

JUST KIDDING! Lol (txt ftw!), I think you just jumped at least three centimetres in the air after having heard that. Oh, what's that, you don't speak English? Would you like me to translate that into French for you? AHA! You nodded your head, declaring your actual knowledge of the English language. I think that I have finally beaten you, yes, once and for all! I was bound to at some point, but I suppose that... OK, I just lost my train of thought. It was a Memento moment, you know, in which I am travelling... OK, I just lost my train of thought again. Either that or I just didn't know how to put into words my... OK, that's it, I'm done with this paragraph. If I was a comedian, which I am, I would make up a little comedy routine on the spot but, as you know, I am heading to the final showdown of the Hunger Games.

"Katniss... I heard a sound..." Peeta says. He then shrieks very loudly, which causes me to jump at least three centimetres in the air and hold onto my seat, also known as air. But, one does not simply hold onto air, so I tumble to the ground in a heap of bone marrow. Just kidding. I just jump up a little bit, perky, and look around. Peeta is giggling at me, but not for long. Because, suddenly, out of the purple, comes a muttation.

I'm just kidding. I'm just foreshadowing. Besides, this chapter is nothing but a little bit of calm filler before the meaty finaleish chapter, so we know that nothing too interesting will happen before the end. And, as you can see, there are a few paragraphs left at least.

On the meta subject of this chapter, I just thought I'd make it called the "Road to" something or other to mark the Finale of a television show. It's called "John Marrow: QRY". No, it's not animated. What gives you that idea? Anyway, a baby character and its talking dog go on cool adventures once in a while, and sometimes those episodes are called "Road to...", spoofing some other movie series I think. Plus, they... To borrow the colloquialsim, D'oh! A deer, a female deer! Etc...

"Peeta, that was not very kind," I say to Peeta. "Next time, think before you act.

"Oh, but I did!" He insists. "I thought about doing that for approximately 4 milliseconds!"

"Let's round that down to approximately zero seconds..." I mutter under my breath.

"Excuse me Katniss? Did you just say something? Um, RUDE!" Peeta points his finger straight up in the air like a lion. I mean, what?

"No, I was talking to myself. Have SOME RESPECT PEETA." I begin to make a harrumph sound, but Peeta looks at me strangely.

"Um... did you hit the Caps by accident?"

"Oh! Darn it. Sorry, that happens sometimes, you know?"

"Yes..." Peeta says, going for the kiss. "Yes, I know just what you want, Katniss..."

Before Peeta can go any further, I press a pressure point on the side of his neck. He collapses, clutching at his neck.

"What the-hey, Katniss! I was just about to... come on, that's not fair. The Hunger Games are Unrated! Lots of Tributes have... you know." Peeta just doesn't understand.

"Peeta, I see what you're saying. You'll just have to wait until I stop with this narrative." He still looks confused.

"I don't get it Katniss... all those signals!" I shake my head.

"Peeta. This is rated T! I can't put something like that in a T rated story!"

Peeta has a whimpering type face. "Then make it M rated!"

But, before I can do any such thing, I hear movement in the bushes. Going into my super-cool (Come on, say it with a French accent!) Ninja warrior stance, I notice something that is shocking. Out of the black, and into my line of vision comes running Cato, the person I haven't talked much about.

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Pardon me for interrupting at a very climactic slash anti-climactic part, depending on your POV (Point of View, in case you didn't know), but I must correct Katniss's grammar. Don't end your sentence with a preposition. Let's redo the latter part of that sentence: "Cato, the person about whom I haven't discussed very much. Thank you.

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

BE QUIET BOB, THIS IS CLIMACTIC SLASH ANTI-CLIMACT DEPENDING ON YOUR POV! Point of view rather. And sorry about the Caps. Man, I have got to get this fixed!

So, yes, here comes Cato Clause here comes Cato Clause right down Cato Clause Lane! No, but really, he's running out of the forest.

Peeta jumps in front of me. "Don't kill her! We've only gotten to Second Base!" Insert Arrested Development "Second Base" image/sound that was quite humorous when I watched Arrested Development AND THE FOURTH SEASON IS COMING OUT ON NETFLIX SOON OH MY GOODNESS YAY I HOPE I DON'T DIE!

But, Cato keeps on running past Peeta and myself, even after hearing that disgusting baseball/other things reference. I have to cringe a bit myself! But, I cringe even more as I see what was chasing Cato...

OK, you ready for this? Not suspenseful enough? Would you like me to jack up the suspense? No? Faster? FASTER?! CLIMAX TIME! AAAHHHHHH!

Chasing Cato, and now myself and Peeta, is a pack of bald, ugly Obama muttations.

I'm just kidding. Just wanted to do a No Country For Old Men good old anti-climax.

I start to run, and so does Peeta, as I begin to realize what is chasing us.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, now we know why I cut out that hot tub scene. Some people are just looking for something like that to occupy their time... anyway what did you think of the chapter? Better or worse than the chapter that was really nothing at all... Was it like 11 or 12? Or maybe all of the chapters? I forget. But, we did get a nice Obama joke, and a bit of a poke at Conservatives, although not a very big one. I prefer small pokes. Anyhoo, share this with all your friends, because the next chapter will be the biggest, funniest, most risqué (or not if you review saying no, hmmmm...), most exciting, most suspenseful, most anti-climactic chapter yet! It will - and I guarantee you - be at least 4000, maybe 5000 words. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THOUGH, REVIEW, SO THAT I CAN MAKE THIS CHAPTER BETTER! Oops, Caps. No, but really, review please! I'm getting a bit discouraged. So, if you like, READ MUCH, REVIEW OFTEN! And yes, the next chapter will push bounders not previously pushed since 2001: A Space Odyssey! Just kidding. And, as always:<strong>

**JELLO!**

**URGH CAPS!**

**JELLO!**

**Never mind...**


	25. Chapter 25: A Climactic Anti-Climax

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Good evening, ladies and germs! Wow, that was a pretty mediocre introduction, and I once slipped on a banana peel while introducing myself to the president! In any case, after the long wait of at least 90 days, the infamous Chapter 25 hath arrived! Okay, it isn't really infamous at all, but it's here, so read it. Do it. NOW!**

**This chapter will deal with one of my biggest D'OH! moments from The Hunger Games: the anticlimactic climax. Or the climactic anticlimax. Yes. That is right. This chapter will finally end the Hunger Games! ... Or will it?**

**It is REALLY rambly, but that is not a bad thing. It's a really terrible thing. In any case, I hope that people who started reading this a long time ago when I started are still with me (internally, I am thinking YEAH RIGHT!)**

**So just read it already! Golly! (Somebody get me some donuts...)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 25: A Climactic Anti-Climax<strong>

I am very excited to recount this story because it is very exciting and will not be interrupted by—

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Due to the violent and poorly-written nature of this chapter, young girls, young boys, small puppies, large giraffes, and people over the age of "old" are discouraged from reading this chapter. It is very graphic and violent. Or is it? I haven't read it yet. I was just excited to interrupt Katniss as she was—

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

—those stupid Author's and Editor's Notes.

I notice that these mutations (URGH SPELLCHECK! Correction, _mutations._ I mean… oh, never mind. I'm gonna have to do this manually.), rather muttations are all very large, fat, obese, whichever you term you prefer. Do you, as reader, have preferences? Or should I count you as a non-identifiable non-person? I think I will, because that gives me the right to do so much more than I had the right to before! Did that last little bit make sense? No? You know what, I forget what I was even talking about.

Not only are they fat, obese, large, et cetera, but they are all wearing baseball caps and hockey jerseys. Oh no! I should have feared this. They're wearing Maple Leafs jerseys and caps! Although it's kind of strange that they're wearing a hockey team's baseball hat… wouldn't it be more appropriate to be wearing a baseball team's baseball cap? In any case, they are chasing after me. It sounds like a mob, as they are chanting and yelling something at me.

"RUN! RUN! AS FAST AS YOU CAN! YOU CAN'T CATCH ME I'M THE CATO AWESOME GUY WHO WILL WIN THE HUNGER GAMES MAN!" No, that's not the mutts; that's Cato, cocked and cocky as ever. Well, maybe I should give him a bit of my own medicine.

"RUN! RUN! AS SLOWLY AS YOU CAN! I AM NOT A VERY FAST RUNNER, WHICH IMPLIES THAT YOU HAVE A LARGER PERCENTAGE OF CHANCE OF CATCHING ME (ON FIRE), THE KATTY WATT MAN! I MEAN, WOMAN!" This just makes Cato more cocked and cockier, and he runs faster. Oh, did I forget to mention that we are running for our lives because, somehow, our uniforms turned into Boston Bruins uniforms? Oh, I did, how silly of me. I also forgot to mention the chant that they were chanting/singing depending on the reader/author's preference. Do you have a preference, even? Or am I just saying empty words? Are you even reading this? IS ANYBODY?! Anyway, they were chanting/singing:

"KILL KATNISS KILL PEETA KILL CATO KILL BRUINS KILL SALIVA KILL TREES KILL OXYGEN KILL CARBON DIOXIDE DILL PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS KILL AUTHOR OH WAIT HE'S ALREADY DEAD KILL THE EDITOR BOB KILL KATNISS TOO BECAUSE WE DISLIKE HER KILL RUE KILL JOHN WAYNE KILL DANIEL-DAY LEWIS WAIT DON'T DO THAT ACTUALLY KILL PAUL DANO!"

And it continued for another hour or so. Actually, it didn't. Or did it? And why in the lanterns that are green and Ryan Reynolds am I using the past tense? Gutentag Katniss, you are losing your edge! You gotta getta the gym more often! That blubber… oh wait, I've just been starving for a long time so I am actually abnormally skinny. Than why must I go to the gym? I might not even survive the Games!

WHY IN THE BALONEY DO THEY CALL THESE GAMES AND WHY IN OREOS DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH KIDS KILL EACH OTHER HAVE PEOPLE REALLY LOST THEIR DECENCY OR THIS THIS JUST REALLY FAKE?

Sorry, I sneezed. Back to the narrative.

Cato and I are neck and neck at the head of the pack. If you consider us and Peeta a pack… but he is seriously pretty far behind us. In fact, I think he just got eaten by the mutts… oh, wait, nvm (txt ftw!), that was a blade of grass. Wow, that mutty muttation just ate that blade of grass whole! I am immense. IMMENSELY SCARED, that is. As I have previously mentioned, I am thin from not eating very much in the games.

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Please disregard the chapter in which Katniss does the Irish jig and takes a lot of foodstuffs et cetera from the Cornucopia. Whether it is or is or is or is or is not true, I do not know which is witch is which, but that directly sort of in a roundabout not really well sort of contradicts Katniss's statement about being skinny. I don't whether or not she is skinny or fat or high or low on the BMI at this moment, as I was not there. Notice how I changed the tense of the verb to confuse you when I am supposed to be trying to clarify contradictory information? I am Bob, and I approve of this

**(END) EDITOR'S NOTE.**

We are still running, Cato and I, neck and neck. You know, that is a bit of an odd expression. "Neck and neck"? How are two necks related to our distance from each other? Oh, I get it, it's like our two necks are right beside each other, so we're really close to each other! Really close to each other? Ew, I don't want to be really close to Cato. So I decide to speed up to a jog to make sure that our necks are not very close together. Excellent! Now, Peeta…

Peeta, the little bugga (Not Peter, Peeta. Not bugger, bugga.), is really close to us now. He's just a bit behind Cato now, which is basically neck and neck. Oh, wait, now they're neck and neck. Wow, I SUDDENLY YOU'RE HERE! SUDDENLY IT STARTS! (suddenly) realize that we have been running for several paragraphs of filler, without stopping stride. Yup, and the mutts are still chasing us. But I was talking about Peeta. Suddenly (let's not sing this time), he realizes that he is neck and neck with Cato, and probably does not want to be neck and neck with Cato, because that is abhorrent. No, it's just disgusting I'd say. Well… it's a little of each, you know? I mean… There we go, idiot Katniss forgetting her train of thought again. Katniss seems to do this very often, it seems, as Katniss is not the most intelligent person on the earth.

Katniss, in addition, just began narrating in the third person. What about the first person au pluriel? (For those not well-versed en Français, _au pluriel_ means plural. So the first person, plural. We. Chubby.) We are running very rapidly. We are wondering how our legs have not yet given out. We are REALLY CREEPY! We should start going back to the cliché, yet somehow effective because it allows the protagonist to share their thoughts, opinions, and emotions without making the narrator seem creepy. I mean, Victor Hugo? How did he know so much about Jean Valjean's thoughts and emotions? Yeah, that's right, chew on that, Violet Beauregard! I really hope you know who Violet Beauregard is, non-existent reader…

Hmm, as I am still running quite rapidly without breaking stride, I realize that I'm almost at 1,200 words for this chapter! Not bad, if I doon't say so myself! Well, actually, I do. In any case, that means that I am about a quarter of the way to my goal of making this the longest, funniest, ground-breakingest tootin' chapter of this whole excruciatingly idiotic narrative! An edge of applause, please? (Get it? It's not a _round_ of applause, it's an _EDGE_ of applause! Oh, I am too much.)

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Sorry for the interruption, but I agree:

KATNISS IS TOO MUCH.

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

Say, now I'm at 1,273, so that means that I am almost at 1,300 words for this chapter! Wow, that is impressive. Say, let's just make the rest of this chapter ME COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS THERE ARE! And I think that numbers count as words too, for some strange reason…

1,320

1,321

1,322

1,323

1,324

1,325

1,326

1,327

Oh darn, I lost count. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to go…

BACK TO THE NARRATIVE! Say, that would make a great chapter title!

Peeta pulls ahead of Cato, and finally, after endless nothingness contained in many paragraphs, we arrive at the clearing whence (NOT TEXT LANGUAGE FOR THE WIN! I don't know why I just did that…) the Games began. In the middle, silent and still, golden and horny, I mean, cornucopiay, is the Golden Cornucopia, an artifact almost as stupid as the Golden Fleece. Although, the FX (txt ftw!) in Jason and the Argonauts were pretty ground breaking at the time. No, no, they didn't actually break the ground! Honestly… I just mean that they were quite advanced for the times.

Quite strangely, and very helpfully, there is a ladder leading to the top of the Conrucopia. Oh, good, I was wondering why we were running toward it. At the beginning of the Games, there wasn't a ladder leading to the top of the Cornucopia, so this is actually quite useful. We'll be able to climb to the top and stay safe from the mutts until Cato tries to kill us! Because there is still that rule about two Victors, from the same District, remember? No, you don't? That's right, you zoned out about 20 chapters ago.

1,549!

The mutts are neck and neck with Cato who, realizing he does not want to be food for mutations URGH STOP SPELLCHECKING IT TO MUTATIONS! HONESTLY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MICRODOFT WORD! I AM GOING TO RANT FOR THE LAST FEW THOUSAND WORDS ABOUT—

Oh, I'll just add "muttation" to the dictionary. Muttation, muttation, muttations. Well, another word's nothing more I guess, when you've added one made up word to the dictionary.

Realizing that I wrote the word "realizing" about a month ago, I have forgotten what I was going to say, so now I must reread the past few paragraphs to see where the plot is. It'll take a while, seeing as I have to wade through all these throwaway paragraphs. I mean really, take away about 90% of all this, and you've got a story. The most of this is throwaway.

See, you can even throw that paragraph about 90% of the story and you've got an even better story! See, all this blah-blah (what does that mean?) is just to make it longer and more entertaining. Like in various movies such as… such as… hmm, I'm having trouble coming up with a mediocre movie that is all filler. OK, fine, pretty much every movie in existence.

Throw away that paragraph, and the story still remains; less entertaining, but leaner and better.

And that one too.

And that one too.

I could go at this for hours and make a fun little rap song out of it, I really could… but I don't.

And that one.

Where were we?

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the running of the mutts, plus three Tributes who will likely die SO now people will actually enjoy this ritual because people are dying. Mutts running, meh; but kill people, and you've got heads turned.

They're running neck and neck except for Peeta, who has once again fallen quite far behind. No, I know what you're thinking, not behind the mutts, behind me (that's right, I'm announcing my own race) and Cato, who doesn't care. Maybe it's because he eats too much Peeta bread… I mean pita, not Peeta bread. That would be cannibalism and no one wants to see that. Or read it. Maybe read it…

And then, all of a sudden, I narrate using the suspenseful term "and then, all of a sudden." You know, I really like that last sentence. And I really like the fact that I used the sentence "You know, I really like that last sentence.

Okay, really this story is going no where. I mean, nowhere. Pardon my grammar.

See? I keep going off on inexplicably idiotic topics nobody cares about. All this because I promised my (the word my was word 2000) readers a longer chapter. I mean come on, really, why? Peter Jackson promised – or at least did without promising – to made the Hobbit movies into a trilogy. It was the trilogy that everybody asked for, nobody deserved, and Peter Jackson couldn't make. I bet Christopher Nolan could do a better job than Jackson Wackson diddly do!

I'm sorry Peter Jackson. I recant of that last comment and will refrain from dissing you. I mean, you _did_ make the Lord of the Rings, and King Kong which was pretty good if not stretched out like this chapter, but what else have you done? Heavenly Creatures? NOBODY'S EVEN SEEN THAT!

"I have!" says Peeta, huffing and puffing all the while. Ew, yet another reason I shouldn't have cleaned his wound in the first place.

Anyhoo, I should get back to stuff.

Finally, if I haven't mentioned it already, the Cornucopia pops up in my field of view. Luckily there's a ladder leading to the top that says "_Climb me"._ Boy, if that wasn't there then I'd be mutt food…

…

…

It always takes so much time to think of something truly witty to say…

Okay, never mind, lost it.

So I'm climbing up the Cornucopia now. Peeta actually advances past Cato and jumps on the ladder as well. Insert descriptive action words to describe this BOOM DUM DOOM. AND ALL THAT JAZZ! Well… that only works really if you've heard that song. What? You _haven't?_ Sheesh, I live in a futuristic dystopian society where children die all the time, and _I've_ heard it. Honestly, get a life!

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Katniss did not just insult. But, if she ever does, she will be boiled in a hot steaming kettle of beezlenut oil. Yes, I just plagiarized Seussical the Musical. Take that, Theodore Geisel!

Because, you know, Doctor Seuss's real name was actually Theodore Seuss Geisel. It's an interesting tidbit of fact that I just shared with you.

**END EDITOR'S NOTE**

**REAL AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I am really just grasping at straws here. Congratualtions to you if you are still reading, because this is probably really boring. Oh, and whoops, I misspelled congratulations. I'm too lazy to fix it.

**END REAL AUTHOR'S NOTE**

HONESTLY EDITOR AND AUTHOR, WHY DO YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME IN SUSPENSEFUL SITUATIONS!

In any case, Peeta is ahead of Cato. Must be because of all the Peeta bread he eats… I mean, uh, pita bread. Don't want to show Peeta's true nature—I mean, his hobby.

I AM JUST KIDDING, Peeta does not eat humans for fun. Oh boy, I'm just digging myself a deeper hole. Holes. By Louis Sachar. Good book. Never read it. Because I dug a hole and THREW it in it. The book that is. In the hole. Look sentence fragments. Cool beans. Beans are not cool.

Peeta rushes up the ladder, poking me in the back.

"Here comes the tickle train, tickle tickley too!" Petta begins to tickle me viciously, halting. I can see Cato approaching very nearby.

"Shut your pie hole, Peeta. Or cake hole. Or maybe even Pita hole. Do Peeta's have holes?" I must sound really confused.

"Oh yes Katty Watty, one or two…" Suddenly Peeta fells Cato clutching at his feet. He screams like a little girl and climbs over me, like those zombies in World War Z. Innocent whistling, I've never seen that movie! No, I actually haven't. Seriously. And don't want to. Ever. But, I might die in the Hunger Games, so it doesn't even matter.

Cato is scratching my calf and… ooh, that feels _very_ nice. Like when a cat scratches you on the leg… OW! THAT HURTS! I bash his skull in and climb to the top of the Cornucopia.

Just kidding. I start to whimper and cry and cower in the corner, even though there is no corner.

Cato grabs Peeta from behind in a headlock. "Ow," Peeta says like a small, infantile girl. "Would you please let go of me so that Katniss and I can win the Hunger Games? Thank you, have a good day, come again, wait don't, I don't like you, please do not come again because it you were to come again you would—"

Peeta is – thankfully – cut off abruptly by something that I just forgot. That's right. Do you get it?

Oh! I just thought up a poem I thought was pretty cool:

**Qui suis-je?**

**Je ne sais pas.**

**Qui suis-je?**

**Je veux du chocolat.**

**Qui suis-je ?**

**J'aimerais en conna****itre.**

**Qui suis-je ?**

**Je suis un maitre.**

It is in French, so… well, never mind. I just thought that since I put in, you know, so much effort, that I would share it with the world. But the world has rejected me. He will be an outcast, they will kill him!

He'll be a god to them!

WOAHAHAHAHAHAHHFDFHJKLEHUKFHUKJHFNKJFHN I JUST SMASHED MY KEYBOARD BECAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT FINALLY, UM…

And there goes my train of thought. Oh wow, it looks like Peeta's eyes are bulging. Oh my, he's strangling Peeta! What do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I… hey, this is just to increases the word count, don't judge me.

Oh, nope, Cato isn't strangling Peeta, Peeta is doing a Mr. Bean impression and licking Cato's arm. Ewww, I'm glad I'm not Cato. Or Peeta, seeing as Cato is about to throw Peeta to the mutts. OH MY!

"Say goodbye to your little friend…" says Cato menacingly.

"Oh, you've seen Scarface? I was going to once, but I didn't because I only wanted to watch something that was, like, an hour and a half or something, so I watched Rushmore, which I really liked, although not as much as The Royal Tenenbaums. But, I did once try to watch Heat, the same director as Scarface, if I'm right, but I was kind of bored and doing something else at the same time, and I mixed up De Niro and Pacino, so I couldn't tell which was which. Oh, I just thought of something, De Niro and De Palma! Isn't that so cool?" I say in one breath. Just kidding, I don't have that large a lung capacity.

During the previous monologue, I also strung my bow and pointed it at Cato, and his eyes kind of glazed over while I was talking because I am probably the most boring person ever.

Cato rises from his stupor all of a sudden.

"I don't understand the question and I won't respond to—oh." He notices that I am pointing a strung arrow at his head. Isn't that a sight, hey? Is it? Isn't it? Is it? Isn't it? Is it? Isn't it? Is it? Isn't it? Is it? Isn't it? Okay, fine, going for the word count here.

Cato's face shows despair. It looks like he's about to break into dramatic monologue. Peeta wakes up all of a sudden, as he fell asleep while I was rambling.

"All I wanted to do was win the Hunger—"

"Say, do you want me to go over here while you deliver your climactic monologue?" Peeta asks, in perhaps his first and most sincere act of kindness. Cato nods through tears. Peeta nods, brushes his shoulder, and moves over beside me. Cato starts wailing. In the background I can hear birds freaking out, flying away, flying into a large dome that covers the arena, and frying up, landing on a plate… Baby, we've got a stew!

"It's OKATO! OH OH! Get it? I mean, ahem: it's okay Cato, take your time, let those tears out." I am just so witty.

Cato takes a moment, and cries. And cries. Wow, he's still crying. I glance at my watch anxiously. "When I said take your time, I didn't say take _ages_. I know, it's nice that you're adding some word count for me – and I am thankful – but really, I thought you were a man. Or rather a teenager. You're acting like a little girl!"

Cato nods, holds up a finger to let me know he's almost done, and proceeds to cry for another ten minutes straight. Finally, Peeta steps forward, gives Cato a swift smack, and goes back beside me. I hit him over the head with a frying pan just for fun as Cato stops crying.

"All I wanted to do was win the Hunger Games. I volunteered even!" he begins, but I shake my head conspicuously, as his name was pulled from the bowl. No one volunteered for him because his District hates him and they wanted him dead. But, he's going to die, so what does it matter what he remembers anyway? Anyway, sorry for interrupting his monologue. I mean, it might be a pretty good monologue, but… Okay, I'll stop.

Cato waits patiently for me to finish and continues:

"I just wanted to make my District proud, show my love for Panem, and win a lot of money and stuff so that I would be well off for the rest of my life, unlike you suckers in District 12 who suck like suckety suck suck suck! But now, I am going to die."

An awkward beat.

"That's all I got. Now get back in here Peeta."

"Oh, I will get in there immediately!" Peeta says. He must have taken wording-classes with analrapist Tobias Funke. Peeta does so, and the standoff continues.

I won't bore you with the details, because really, how long do I ever spend on plot? So here's what happens next in summary form:

I want to shoot Cato but doing so would kill Peeta. A good option, but not practical. Peeta motions to Cato's hand. I shoot the arrow, but miss and hit Peeta's leg, and then I shoot again and Cato falls off into the mutts and Peeta is still alive. I eventually shoot Cato because the mutts are ripping him apart disgustingly and it's only humane. Peeta and I survive and the Games are over! The mutts go back underground.

Now here's the kicker! Peeta and I are supposed to win, right?

"Tributes. There has been a slight change of rules. Oh come on, who am I kidding, this is like a complete bait and switch. SO um basically, there will only be one winner. So much for that climax, huh?"

* * *

><p><strong>So there it is. Wasn't that a pretty anticlimactic event? You got that right!<strong>

**I have no idea when the next installment will arrive, but hopefully soon. Last school year I got some of this done during my business class, and now I have an opportunity to do some work on this during my civics/careers class. I mean really, this is honestly the most boring class you will ever take in your life, other than business. They're pretty close competitors.**

**Remember: READ MUCH REVIEW OFTEN SO THAT YOU CAN REVIEW OFTEN READ MUCH JELLO!**

**(And hey - 4221 words!)**


	26. Chapter 26: We Do Something Stupid?

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**So I just wrote this quickly I basically have one minute left until my Period 4 class of science, so here it is. A little break from my ridiculous ramblings.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 26: We Do Something Stupid to Make a Point?<strong>

Well, there we go. You expected a grand climax with the victors triumphant?

You've been snaked.

Peeta jumps around, clapping and clucking like a female chicken.

"We won the Hunga Wunga Katty Watty, we won the Hun—"

I cut Peeta off by slapping him very hard in the face. He giggles and hops around like a bunny, and accidentally (or purposefully?!) falls off the cornucopia. I don't know why, but I go to check on him, peering over the edge of the cornucopia. I shake my head. What a wingnut.

"TRIBUTES! YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE!" The voice comes over the loudspeaker, and I suddenly understand why they call it a loudspeaker.

"SHUT UP YOU!" I yell back. "WE AREN'T GOING TO DIE, ONLY ONE OF US WILL AND THE OTHER WILL DIE AND WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ALL IN A RAMBO-STYLE RAMPAGE AND I WILL GO ALL WALTER WHITE ON YOU SAY DID YOU LIKE THE FINALE OF BREAKING BAD."

"YES, I DID, ALTHOUGH I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED IT IF SKYLAR HAD DIED THAT ANNOYING LITTLE THINGYMABOB."

The person on the other side of the loudspeaker may think that I'm carrying on a nice conversation with him, but little does he know that I am actually in the process of locating the speaker for the loudspeaker so that I can't hear his voice anymore because it is a pretty annoying voice.

"PLEASE DO NOT BE MEAN KATTY WATTY, AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE LOUDSPEAKER IT IS NOT TO BE FOUND IT IS PART OF YOU."

I look at the mockingjay pin I'm still wearing and I see a grill-type thing that has been vibrating a little. Ooooooh, so that's the loudspeaker.

"HEY DON'T YOU HAD BETTER NO—"

There, that's better. I throw the miniature microphone off the cornucopia right into Peeta's open mouth. I hear this choking, coughing type noise coming from the ground definitely NOT Peeta. Oh, wait it is Peeta. He is choking and coughing and… ew, he's licking his hand too. That is most yucky.

I hop off the cornucopia and give him the Heimlich maneuver. The speaker pops out of his mouth. Uh oh, I just put Peeta into a situation he will enjoy.

"Ooh la la," Peeta says, and pulls me closer. "Time for some—"

I slap Peeta in the face. "You shut up Peeta McWheata."

"Okay, fine. I guess we have to move the narrative forward some now." The truest words he has ever said.

"Right, so… should I just do some narration, or…"

"Well."

"I know Peeta, you haven't gotten to do any narration but that's because you are a stupid secondary character. So just shut up before the fat lady sings. Oh wait, Adele already sang."

Peeta shrugs. "OK then, but it's your job to move the narrative forward, then. This whole tangent is a waste of ti—"

"BUT IT'S FUNNY. THE STUPID READERS I MEAN VIEWERS HAHA JUST KIDDING WILL ENJOY IT!"

Peeta shrugs again. Stupid Peeta.

"Okay, so I've got to do something dramatic, because this really deserves a sequel. What can I do to create a situation that is sequel-worthy? Come on Peeta, suggestion time!"

Peeta shrugs. I am going to rip out his shoulders one day. "You told me to shut it."

"Actually Peeta, I told you to shut up. There's a difference."

Peeta smiles. "You're cute when—"

"Peeta… two more words and you're an idiotic cliché. Rather, you're just more of an idiotic cliché."

"I was going to say when you're wearing a mockingjay pin…"

I roll my eyes. "Let's just get on with this. So, Peeta, I love you so much that I can't stand the thought of one of us dying, yadayadayada, so we're both going to eat nightlock berries."

"That's a really stupid idea Katniss. Where are we going to get the nightlock berries?"

A mechanical tray rises from the ground. On it sits two shimmery bunches of nightlock berries.

"Isn't nature wonderful?" Peeta says a petty pit. Nevermind, I was just trying to do assonance.

"OK, let's eat them. And it's all rebellion and they can't have no winner or something, this was a really boring part so I kind of skimmed it," I say.

Peeta is confused. "What book?"

"JUST EAT THE BLEEPING BERRIES!"

We put the berries in our mouth. Ew. Our mouths. This is just getting worse. Peeta puts his into his mouth, and I put mine into my mouth. That's better.

Over the loudspeaker, in the grass in the distance: "YUCK! Peeta's spit is pretty disgusting. Oh, and look, I'm not in caps anymoRE. DARN IT. OKAY SO WE DON'T WANT YOU TO EAT THE BERRIES OR SOMETHING, SO YOU'RE BOTH THE WINNERS, YADAYADAYADA, YAY THE VICTORS OF THE 74TH HUNGER GAMES OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. WE WILL NOT SPY ON YOU FOR A LONG TIME TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU TWO ARE ACTUALLY IN LOVE HAHA JUST KIDDING WE WILL CAUSE WE'RE THE CREEPY CAPITOL PREPARE TO BE AIRLIFTED.

We are airlifted by these airships or something this is really boring me and I'm just going to end this chapter because it is really stupid or something, and I'm really sick of this part of the book. I mean, the story. My life. Hey, Peeta's gonna lose his leg!

* * *

><p><strong>Be ready for the next installment!<strong>


	27. Chapter 27: Is It Over Yet?

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Some more good old fashioned fun. I pull a Steven Moffat and resurrect a character and change all the rules of my story. Haha, I bet I just enraged half of my readers and made another half of my readers very chuckly. Not that anyone is reading this... In any case, this is another chapter. And things happen. Not very much. I just have trouble keeping the narrative going. I don't. Just stop asking me so many questions!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 27: Is It Over Yet?<strong>

I wake up in a room. By myself. In a bed in a nest on a twig on a branch on a tree on the ground in a whole on the bottom of the sea. Haha just kidding I am not in a hole I am in a room.

Oh, say, all of the hearing is back in my left ear. I had forgotten about that earlier for some reason COUGH COUGH COUGH.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

So what if I died, there exists no continuity at all in this story.

So, um, as an author, I am wont to forget facts and details about fictional stories that I make up. And also fictional stories that I didn't make up.

You know what? Let's scratch that from the record. Let's just… I really need to go now…

**END AUTHOR'S NOTE**

A fat dwarf walks into my room with a covered tray. He starts to mumble a bunch of gibberish which makes me wonder if he is actually a dwarf or a gypsy. I don't know why I am wondering that but I am.

"What the Effin' Trinket are you doing in here?" I ask the gypsy dwarf, which is what his now legible name tag reads.

In a more so legible voice – although still very ugly – the dwarf says: "Would you like some tea, coffee, or an Arrowroot cookie?

I jump out of bed in a Tarantino-esque karate stance. (QUICK SHAKY ZOOM IN ON MY FACE WESTERN YO WHY DID I JUST SAY YO) The gypsy dward looks unimpressed so I kick him in the face.

"Ow."

Realizing that I am not clothed, I jump back in bed and cover myself. "AH!"

"Kantkiss Neverclean, I am just here to bring you a warm beverages and cookies fit for very small infants primarily but also grown people. Yes, that is right, I am a big fan of the domesticated Arrowroot."

I honestly have no idea what in the woohaha he is talking about, so I pick him up and throw him out the door. The gypsy dwarf lands in a pool of acid and dies. You expected a happy ending? Not for him you didn't.

Next an Avon girl comes in and motions to me.

"I'm sorry, I can't understand what you are saying because YOU DON'T HAVE A TONGUE AND YOU HAVE A TONGUE AND YOU CANT TALK HAHA NOTICE HOW I SAID CANT AND NOT CAN'T SO YOU SEE I HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN READING SOME OF CORMAC MCCARTHY'S WORKS!"

The stupid Avon girl motions forward a bag and a catalogue. Oh dear, she's trying to sell me some Avon products. "For goodness sake I am a victor of the HUNGA WUNGA GAMES, you do NOT sell stupid AVON PRODUCTS TO ME!" I slap the mute Avon girl in the mouth. Ew, there's no tongue. I then kick her out the door into the same pool of acid and she dies screaming silently. Well this is a pretty dark chapter so far... I really hope that Peeta comes in next.

I go back to bed and sleep for a bunch. I mean really, I shouldn't write a lot of paragraphs about that so I'll just paraphrase that boring part. Do you really want me to go into depth about REM and so on and so forth? No. Don't.

So the Avon girl actually told me that Peeta made it somehow. Maybe I should read those Chapter summaries first… Well, now I know that so I have a reason to live and not sleep I think?

I sleep for ten weeks straight.

When I wake up all of my scars are gone (apparently I had scars…) and I am feeling better (actually I am not but let's just pretend). I get dressed. Because clothing is not overrated.

I turn around and right behind me (in front of me now) are Effie Trinket, Haymitch Abernathy, and Cinna the creep. Ew, what's he doing here?

"Heeyyyyyy Katty Watty," says Cinna in his creepy, ugly voice. "What is good in the hood?" I look and realize that I am wearing a hoodie, so I take that off because hoodies are overrated. Then I realize that I am not wearing a shirt anymore and decide to put one on, but before I can, Cinna is already putting his hand on my shoulder.

I slap him in the face and he falls unconscious.

"My, my! That is not a how a lady behaves!" Effie exclaims as I reput-on my sweater.

"Oh shut up you toad," I say to Effie and punch her in the face, rendering her unconscious. Haymitch slow claps.

"Wow, that was some real tough stuff darling." I punch Haymitch in the face but he actually stops my fist and throws it at a plate of potatoes sitting nearby. He then begins to sing:

"I'M PUNCHING KAAAAAATNISS IN THE RAIN, PUNCHING KAAAAATNISS IN THE RAIN!"

I get up and punch him in the face. I hit, but he is not knocked unconscious.

"Alright sweetheart, that was some nice rough tumble type stuff, but we've got some real problems. Primarily cancer."

I gasp. "Cancer?"

"No you idiotic idiot, no one has cancer, cancer is not even mentioned in the book so it is altogether plausible that a cure for cancer has already been found so yeah."

I sigh a sigh of relief and then fall asleep. Just kidding, I just stand there (Flight of the Conchords reference anyone?).

"Is Peeta alive?" I ask Haymitch and then realize that I already know that he is in fact alive so I do a Mr. Bean impression to distract him.

"Nice try sweetheart, but that distraction won't work. I know Peeta's alive and I know that you know that Peeta's alive. But you can't see him because there's going to be a televised reunion blah blah blah exposition that nobody other than the author cares about." Hey, I'm the author! And I love my exposition!

"OK, thanks for the update Haymitch, keep me posted." I wait awkwardly for him to leave, but he doesn't take the hint. He just stands there (_stands there!_).

"Oh come on Haymitch, get the Effin' Trinket out of here."

"I heard that!" I kick Effie in the head before she can utter another word.

"Well," Haymitch says, ignoring my History of Violence (directed by David Cronenberg), "you obviously forgot that it's time to get dressed for your live reunion with Peeta bread. That's his new nickname."

Ooh, Peeta has a nickname?! "I WANT A NICKNAME HEY THERE MITCH OH WAIT IT'S HAYMITCH!" I yell in Haymitch's face.

"Yes, you already have a nickname…" a dramatic pause and then "…Katty Watty."

I scream very loudly and start throwing a temper tantrum. "I don't LIKE the name KATTY WATTY! I want to be known as THE CAT IN THE HAT NISS EVER AWESOME OH YEAH!"

Haymitch shrugs. "Tell that to the judge." But there is no judge, so never mind that snide, disgusting remark.

"Okay, so what am I getting dressed as? Fire? A flamethrower? A lump of coal?"

Cinna, who apparently got up during my temper tantrum, comes over to me.

"I am gonna give you a dressing you won't forget…" Cinna licks his lips enticingly, but then discovers something delicious and starts licking in vigorously. Haymitch just stands there shaking his head.

"Fine, I will go with you Cinna, if you don't say bad things about me." Cinna perks up.

"OK Katty Wat—I mean, Katniss…" Cinna replies with a glint in his eye.

I follow Cinna out of my room and into wherever, still wearing that sweater. I just hope that this chapter won't turn into a filler episode…

I shouldn't have said that.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, that was a chapter. You can probably guess what the next chapter is going to be...<strong>

**If you guessed 'Conclusion', you are wrong.**

**The right answer is filler.**

**In any case, I'll do that chapter at some point. But seriously, I doubt anyone is even reading this at all anymore. Is this like The Walking Dead where I am the last survivor with a bunch of zombie chapters and I'm looking for survivors so I shoot a gun and suddenly out of that gunshot come a bunch of living dead zombie chapters. Okay, bad analogy, but you get the point. You don't. You do? Now, I don't want to treat you like an idiot, but just answer me. Oh right, no one is reading this. I'll just go find some food for survival while you contemplate that...**

**Oh yeah and review by the way.**


	28. Chapter 28: It's Gotta Be Over By Now

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**I think this masterpiece of a chapter speaks for itself.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 28: Come On, It's Gotta Be Over By Now<strong>

**Or: This is Filler or Something**

We basically go into a room and Cinna does his creepy stuff and all of the stylists are being like ooh you won the Hunger Games sign my body and I'm like ew this is disgusting enough so no and Cinna is like you can sign yourself all over my body and I'm like slapping him and he's like ok so here's a dress you can wear and the stylists are like yeah that is a dress and I'm like ok whatever I just want to get out of here and Cinna's like let's visit my freaky cabin first and I'm like ok no so bye and I'm like walking away and I like meet Cinna or something.

* * *

><p><strong>Don't worry, the next chapter will be better I just got lazy and decided to write this for fun. Didn't want to get too specific with Cinna's creepiness... this is T-rated after all... <strong>


	29. Chapter 29: Another Chapter, Kill Me Now

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**Yeah, like the guy in the $3000 suit is going to read another chapter... COME ON!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 29: Another Chapter – Kill Me Now<strong>

I stand behind a curtain. Out there is a stage, and whatever his name is oh right Caesar "Hail or I Will Kill You" Flickerman. Ha ha ha, I just made that inserted nickname up on my own because I am that awesome and cool and I have once stuffed eighteen marshmallows into my mouth. Maybe I shouldn't have let that one slip…

Haymitch stands beside me reassuringly. I think that maybe he thinks that I'm nervous or something because it sounds like maybe he is trying to reassure me? I don't know, he's saying the most messed up garbage can trash nuggets that I have ever heard.

"Alright Katniss, if the badger eats the cheese than it's game over. YOU DO NOT WANT THE BADGER TO EAT THE CHEESE. And when the fat woman sings, it's over, whether you've eaten the slice of pie or not. The goal is to eat the pie, and not only that, but to have it too. Or something like that, it's okay, you're nervous sweetheart."

That's right. He is murmuring this garbage trash yuck yucks that I do not like eww, a moldy sandwich.

And then it hits me: I am about to meet Peeta for the first time in a long time something something oh never mind I was just starting to recite a somewhat popular country song but then stopped because I forgot the lyrics… And now it's gone.

The crowd suddenly erupts into nervous laughter. Whoops. I guess that President Snow hit himself in the face with a snowball again in his attempts at doing a comedic act that is obviously not funny. I have a small peek at the stage and—

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOODNESS THAT IS PERHAPS THE MOST HUMOROUS VISUAL GAG I HAVE EVER SEEN EHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHEHJHjkdgs.

I try to contain my laughter, but it is no use. As I settle down after about five whole minutes of clapping, I realize that the crowd is deathly silent. Deathly because it look like somebody shot themselves, silent because no one is talking.

The worst part is the silence.

"Why is everyone silent?" I ask Haymitch. He palms his face, and I realize that my mic is on. I clasp my hands over my face, but all that occurs is a muffled thump. The low hum of technical equipment hums.

"Wow, that was a really redundant sentence!" I say out loud. Whoops I shouldn't have done that… "Is this thing on?" Feedback.

"Well, ahem, anyway, thank you stupid people of Panem." The voice is Prezzy Snow's, and he walks offstage. I pretend to be a tree as he walks past me, and he looks at me with a funny look, so he was probably not giving me a death threat but definitely wondering why there is a tree backstage.

"Now, the moment no one except for everyone has waited for," says Flick that Channel Man (Flickerman btw I just make so many rad nicknames), "the Victors of blah blah blah nobody cares I want what that guy that shot himself is having, Katty Watty the stupidest person that ever existed yes even more stupid than Caesar Flickerman hey that was mean haha I actually wrote this spiel myself Neverclean, and Peeta Bread Mellark!"

"Remember what I told you," Haymitch says. But he didn't tell me anything, and if he did, it was probs in my sleep so whatevers. I walk on stage and smile and wave at the crowd. A tomato lands on the stage and slides, hitting my feet. Ew.

A gunshot is heard as the person that threw the tomato at me is swiftly executed. Utopia my rear end!

And then I see Peeta. No comment on him.

I smile, laugh, and sit down. Caesar "yes that's right he was named after a character from _Rise of the Planet of the Apes_" Flickerman smiles and laughs along. I stand up and twirl again, and my dress catches fire. NOO THE BURNING! OW!

Peeta pulls out a fire extinguisher from behind his bach (back actually, that was just a little music joke), and then douses me (now don't take that in a double entendre manner please). This must have been planned all along! I HAYMITCH YOU HATE!

Caesar "OK I'm running out of nicknames" Flickerman is still laughing as I sit.

"So Katty Watty, what is it like to be co-Victor of the Hunger Games?" Flickerman asks in a fantastically superb voice. I'm just kidding, I was trying to insult a super cool insult but that didn't work at all. Oh well, I guess that I will never be a ninja.

"Hey what about me? I won the Hunger Games too, and I didn't even do anything stupid!" Peeta complains. The crowd starts throwing tomatoes at him, and instead of being shot, they are rewarded with bubblegum, which they in turn begin throwing at him.

"OK Peeta, I think we've had enough of your stupidity. And now, a rewatch of the Games!"

Oh no. Not another rewatch of the Games. Basically, we sit and watch the Games all over again. Once we only had one Hunger Games over two years, because it took one year to do the Hunger Games and another to rewatch them.

"And, joining us in particularly embarrassing moments… Katniss's family and her 'just friends' friend Gale Hawthorne, who does not at all go hunting illegally in the woods!" Up on the screen my family and Gale appear. I know we can't really communicate right now, but he appears on the screen and he looks pissed. Like really mad. Oh well, that's what you get for not volunteering for me Gale McBale. Actually McBane, or just Bane, like from The Dark knight Rises, which I really loved in theatres but found lacking later on because of shameless exposition and such.

I am getting really bored of this story, so I will just paraphrase the rest of this section.

We watch the thing and it takes a few days and it is really embarrassing because there is no censorship in this country, so my shocking pics and clips are bound to be online in… right now about.

And we watch the thing, stuff happens, President Snow looks at me strangely and warns me and I sneeze into his hair and blow off his toupee because he smells like candy cane roses…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Hey, I am writing this December 19…

**END AUTHOR'S NORE**

…and et cetera, blah blah blah.

Haymitch warns me about the Capitol, and really, this story is dragging so I'll conclude the story next chapter on the train. That's it. I'm pooped.

* * *

><p><strong>Go on! Read the next chapter now! It's out already! Will the conclusion be epic? Definitely not. But it'll give you some closure... or will it? Doesn't matter no one's even reading this anyway so JUST GO AHEAD AND READ THE NEXT CHAPTER! ALRIGHT!<strong>


	30. Chapter 30: FINALLY THIS NARRATIVE DIES

THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES

By: Myself

Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen

And Peeta

And Gale

And all those who died

And to you, my readers

And especially to my dead bunny

_I miss you Cuddles!_

This will only contain random things that will be weird

And it will not make sense

ENJOY!

**WOW! It's been a very long - well, not that long, but still, a while since I published the last chapter of THE HUNGER GAMES PARODY THAT I STARTED WRITING LIKE THREE YEARS AGO! That's right, it's coming to a close today. What cultural references will be included within? I honestly can't remember because I wrote most of this chapter a while ago! So, anyway, enjoy, and I hope that you've stuck around this far. Who am I kidding? Pretty much no one read this ever. Maybe I should update the whole thing... HMM! Give it some fresh breath etc. STOP TALKING YOU STUPID AUTHOR Ok, here we go. This is the end. Close your eyes and count to 30.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 30: FINALLY THIS NARRATIVE DIES<strong>

We're back on the choo choo train, choo chooing home to District 12. I really wish that I could be back in the Capitol right now, because just before we left, I had this really good clam chowder, and I forgot to ask for the recipe. It's probably on so I guess I'll just check that when I get home.

Oh yeah, what's great now is that I'll have a bunch of food and supplies and all that jazz, so I'll be living the high life while my fellow idiots suffer a lot. Sucks to be the-em! That was me singing. I should probably stop singing in my writing, because it's hard to tell if a character is singing unless they say so.

I sang that whole last paragraph.

"URRRRRRRRCCCHHHHHHHHHH!"

I just made the sound of the train stopping as the train stopped. Talk about resourcefulness.

Oh, wait, why is the train stopped? Has it been attacked by rebels a la Children of Men? I sure hope so, because that would be most excellent because then we would all die and explode and burn and garbage cans like that.

The conductor, bespectacled and respactabled (jk he's ugly) comes into my train.

"HEY!" I yell. "FOOD! Oh, sorry, I was just thinking of… I mean, GET THE EFFIN' TRINKET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE SHENANIGANS!" The conductor is obviously scared and glares at me stupidly.

"Katniss," he says with an extremely stupid Irish accent, "if you don't stop talking to me like that, I will have no choice but to slap you in the noggin' with a three-by-four lined with lead and metal spikes."

I stick my tongue out at him.

Suddenly, he's holding this piece of wood lined with spikes and lead and—OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOW! That really hurt!

I start whimpering and spluttering and crying and eating a moldy sandwich previously located in my pocket.

"Serves ya right, ya wimp." What a horrible conductor! I would never do such a thing! "In any case, we're stopping for fuel so SHUT YER MOUTH AND GIT OFF THE TRAIN!"

I stumble off the train whimpering and sneezing.

Outside, Peeta is waiting for me, smoking a fake cigarette. The end lights up a light blue, and a humming sound comes from it.

"I was thinking we could go out to the woods for a bit of HON HON time." He winks stupidly.

I slap him in the face with a chainsaw that I found beside me somehow.

"I never loved you!" I yell in his face. Several miniscule pieces of lunch fly into his face. I just love it when that happens. To other people.

Peeta looks at me inquisitively. I almost feel sorry for him.

Nah, I don't.

"But—but Katniss, I thought I was going to marry you! I thought we would have mini tribute babies. I thought—"

"YOU THOUGHT WRONG!" I yell, and even more spittle flies into his face.

"What happened in that sleeping bag though…"

"What happened in that sleeping bag was… wait a minute, what did happen in the sleeping bag?" I do remember, and I shudder at the thought, but I can't let him know.

Suddenly there's Haymitch, leaning out the door of the traincar cartrain I'M A FAIRY JUST KIDDING

**AUTHOR'S NOTE/I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHETHER THE AUTHOR IS ALIVE AT THIS POINT**

As you can perhaps tell, I'm returning to this after a while without having written it for a while due to the random "traincar cartrain I'M A FAIRY JUST KIDDING" passage. Believe me, life is best when you are a newborn and it quickly gets worse from there.

In anyhonk, just pause a moment while I reread what I've written… uhuh… oh, my! This is extremely garbage-like! Well, as they say in writing, my heart must go on.

**END KIND OF MAYBE WHO KNOWS IF ALIVE AUTHOR'S NOTE**

"I'm sorry Peeta. Actually, I'm not at all. I REGRET NOTHING! But that's beside the point." Haymitch must be really confused, jumping into this conversation and all.

"Um… I don't know what I'm interrupting, but we gotta get home. I got a 5 o'clock appointment with Matthew McConaughey, and I don't want to be late. Time is a flat circle after all." Haymitch slaps himself in the face. "STOP SAYING RUSTIN COHLE STUFF YOU GUY!" And with that he heads back into the train.

Suddenly, I feel like writing/narrating/thinking an entire paragraph that's actually a run on sentence because, due to the nature of economics, Christopher Nolan enjoys tacos so much that, one day, a cultural reference bit him in the nosehole which caused me a lot of distress because I enjoy tacos as well, an art or more of a taste that I have acquired over the years that were long and arduous because once upon a turtle in the land of Middle Earth I am the unofficial narrator making a reference to a project I did in Grade 8 which, come to think of it, was a marvelous year of school because one day we ate chocolate chip cookies, and they were so good that I pooped a little bit into my pants and had to be taken to hospital the next day because I ate a chez.

HOODEEDOO!

So, Peeta's sad and I feel empowered, so we both get on the train, Peeta crying buckets of banana peels and I jumping for joy and magical lima beans.

Haymitch tells me again that the Capitol hates me BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH NOBODY LIKES MAYMITCH EXCEPT WHEN HE'S ACTING ON HBO TV SHOWS THAT WERE SUBMITTED TO THE EMMYS AS DRAMA AS OPPOSED TO MINISERIES AND OOH FARGO WAS PRETTY COOL AND DID ANYONE GUESS ALL THOSE SHERLOCK WINS?

And Pita poopoo's sad and lonely and he tries to commit suicide so I stuff bread down his pie hole and he finds a reason to live again which in my reasoning is very excellent.

So we arrive at District 12 and nobody cares because there's going to be a sequel.

WATCH INTERSTELLAR!

* * *

><p><strong>That's it. That's all. Seriously though, Interstellar is going to be the best movie of 2014, unless Inherent Vice of Gone Girl or Fury or Birdman is better than it. As it stands right now, best movie of 2014 is Boyhood. WATCH IT!<strong>

**If you're interested in me adapting the next book, LEAVE A REVIEW! ANYTHING! LET ME KNOW YOU EXIST!**

**It's been a labour of something, anyway, writing this, and it's been a significant bit of fun. I'm 30 chapters better as a writer now... well, not really. I probably regressed in my writing skills since doing this, because I went UBER lazy in the writing of this.**

**Thank you for reading, and Peter Jackson would like to Orthank the academy.**

**Sincerely,**

**Nathan Labonte**


End file.
